I wanted to chime in to say that I completely understand your statement "I know the snooping is bad but it's almost like it hurts me more to not know. I have to know to remind myself of where he is at mentally emotionally etc." I feel the exact same way. I snooped horribly when my H first left and unfortunately read some things I now wish I had never read. I can't un-see or un-know them and sometimes I think that holds me back.
Just based on the actions you take and the things you describe doing on a daily basis I would never say that you are not as strong as others. Just making it through the day with 3 young boys is a feat and you actually make it fun for them.
The advice you are getting here is so great. I am reading and taking everything in for myself as well. I hope you will continue to read and take things in as you can. Its such a long process.
I can completely empathize with how you feel and have definitely been there and had many of the exact thoughts. One thing my IC suggested to me was a "God" or "Universe" box. She knows how much I like to fix things, so she suggested this. I really have found it helpful since I am the kind of person who needs to physically do things. She suggested that when I have an issue/problem that I cannot fix (mostly in regards to H...) I write it down on a piece of paper and put it in my God box. This reminds me that I cannot control what others are doing, but it lets me do something by putting it in this box and giving control over to a higher power to deal with.
M: Early 40s H: late 30s 2 kids under 10 M: 15 yrs BD: 7/14 S: 10/14
