Here again part 10

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Maybell,

I guess I am a lot weaker than all of you. I just am given this [censored] sandwich that I'm supposed to eat and just not care about how he treats me, what he does, that he doesn't care about me, etc.

This^^ is not true. I cared so much about how my h saw me and bought into his insanely high expectations that it left me reeling to see his indifference when I got so sick last fall. A light bulb went off but it was not "the spotlight". I had moments where I got confused again and backslid, and thought "this cannot be what h wants"...

but at some point you get too tired of the pain and T3, where the head goes, the heart will follow.

In the face of so many actions that mostly speak of h's desire to be done and finished and moving on, I accept that and I accept that only a fool would do this.

I do not have to understand the fool, thought I thought I did. Spent FAR too much time trying to do that. OMG so much wasted time! And self inflicted pain...

Nope, just need to understand ME and what I want. Plus, fact is, I cannot understand h. He's not operating with the same moral compass or narrative that I am. Neither is your h. Period. Don't put a rational spin on irrational behavior.






I don't know how all of you guys just let it go and not snoop or not want to just scream at the top of your lungs.

I've not snooped b/c it would be too painful. besides, enough others do it for me.
"just let it go"??

I've awakened sick to my stomach from nightmares, many times. Oh and I "stopped" being in menopause (sorry if that is TMI) so my body is telling me something earth shattering has happened to my life. Don't assume we don't all feel a deep blow to the heart and a gut punch...I know I do. I do meditate on that free app (Insight timer) on my iPhone and I do pray a lot.

I try to turn it all over to God b/c honestly, it's too much turmoil for me to handle alone. I think out the "turning it over" and I say it and I hear it. Seems like it sinks in more.

But there are 2 things I found out about ^^this pain.

First, the pain can be so great that you numb yourself (even without booze, I mean).

How? Not positive but it seems like you just shut down and turn off pain sources for self defense . Zero snooping...and I mean, zero. If there's no financial/legal point to it, then endless wondering is endless suffering.


And Somehow it begins to hurt less. Noticeably less, and I have to assume it's a self protection mode, and or God, saying "enough". At least for now.

Second, I can step back sometimes and look objectively at the actions of my h.

They're just lousy selfish really ODD choices. Cliched too. Dishonesty, selfishness, and some lunacy thrown in. No thanks. Really, no thanks. Takes a lot of self forgiveness to be able to look at our warts/flaws and say "even so, I deserve better" and know that it is true.

When I step back to look, NOT at what he said/says once upon a time or what we once we had, or what I thought we were going to have/do, or believed we planned together. I mean, look at what is real now.

SEE the lousy crap for what it is, and say "THIS is Not okay. In fact, it's crazy bad".
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In my ditch,
YES T3, it feels like being replaced. It IS being replaced positionally (at least right now) And really fast...it's painful and embarrassing - though I think he's the one to be embarrassed, frankly,

And it's nutty as he11 behavior.

To the point where I find myself thinking, "Wow, Good riddance to lunacy. I won't stoop. I will do NO "scorned ex -still married -wife" yelling or posting. I will stay dignified and let him go down in flames.

In your case, who cheats (or has "wildly inappropriate" r's with OWs) on a pregnant wife or leaves her with a newborn baby and 2 other sons? Who does this a second time?

Not a guy you can be with now, That's who. Step back and think about whether you want to play the "Pick ME!" game for the rest of your life.

Because I have a feeling that unless he has an earthquake within, you won't feel safe with him again.

No sign of earthquake in sight. I'm so sorry.



--Here we go... just like last time. Now he will call my dad so that he doesn't have to speak to me. What a re run of the same crappy movie all over again.

Sorry

I don't think I'm meant to DB... I am not as good of a person as you all are to just let it go. I want to know what is so wrong with me that we have to go through this again.


whatever your warts and all, he's been acting like a jerk to you. And at a terribly vulnerable time for you & your little ones. You did not force him to leave the home with a newborn, you did not force him to buy pricey items for himself, you did not force him to lie to you.
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we cannot all save our m's but we can save ourselves. That is DBing, and you are doing a great job at it.
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In this moment, I feel like I have to file for D. My old self wouldn't ever put up with this a second time. My brain is screaming at me to stand up for myself and kick him to the curb.

well you are in a doorway trying to choose which way to go.


My heart is screaming at me to save my M and hurting that I have been replaced. Just like a piece of trash I have been thrown aside.

Ugh tomorrow will be a better day.

yes it will be a better day. Remember this pain is not eternal or fatal. You will get past this & raise 3 great sons. And you will be happy again.

KARMA-- either your h will feel deep remorse and be haunted at some level, b/c he hurt the 4 people he should have loved the most, which would be karma #1


OR he's not able to put others ahead of himself or to be honest when it's "hard"...and

that means you won't be with that type of guy. You won't lose your soul a little at a time with that sick "wonder what he's doing now??" Feeling or modeling that for your sons.

you may even find a good solid man to help you raise your sons.

That's Karma #2.

karma #3 is all of the above.