Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[sandi2]

Just as I was about to leave for work, she came home from working out. I asked her if she wanted to talk about things, and she agreed. She could tell I was a little agitated and said she didn't want this to be a fight. I said this wouldn't be a fight.

She starts out saying we've both been unhappy for a long time and we need to work on a new way to get along. I ask what she means and she really just pauses forever and stares at the floor. I then asked her if she wanted to get a D, and she said yes. I said "okay, what have you been waiting for?" She said she wanted to talk to me about it to see how I feel. I told her "This isn't what I want, but I've realized I'm going to be fine. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." She said she still cares about me and wants to know I'll be okay. I said "You don't care about me. When we're divorced, we're not going to be friends or buddies. You're just going to be the mother of my children." She said she realized that, but we need to figure out how to get along for the kids. I agreed and said we'd figure that out.

Excellent.

So I decided I wasn't going to torture myself with these secrets about OM any more. I knew I would eventually confront with this info, and it felt like the time to do it.

So I walk over and ask "Who is (OM's name)?" She said he's an old friend. I asked when she met him and she said when she was 15. (OM lives in our hometown, where W and I lived until about 11 years ago).

I asked if she ever talked to him, and she said sometimes.

I asked what they talked about, and she said just stuff.

I asked if he was moving to our city (she had emailed him house listings in our school district), and she said no.

I asked if he was going on her Europe trip, and she said no.

Then I told her I had gone onto her work phone and seen stuff. When I asked her why she emailed him her trip details, she said she was excited and wanted to send it to him. I asked why she hadn't sent it to me and she replied that I wasn't talking to her. She reiterated that he's just a friend. I said I didn't believe her.

I told her I'd seen that she sent him house listings in our area, houses with 3 and 4 bedrooms that would be too big for just her and the 2 kids. I asked what was up with that. She said she wasn't going to buy a house and didn't have any plans. I told her I didn't believe her.

I told her I knew she was face-timing with him. I said I knew she had done it on the night that she "couldn't sleep" and went into the guest bedroom, with the TV on, for 2 hours. I said I don't deserve that kind of disrespect from someone who's pretending to be my wife. She said she was sorry.

You now know she is a liar. I use to pride myself on never lying. I hate lying with a passion. When I arrived on the board, I was told that all cheaters lie. It was tough to take, but that statement is true. She is a wayward wife, and you will not be able to trust her again, unless she ends the A, reconciles the MR......and proves she is done with OM. She will have to earn back your trust. However, that may not happen very soon.

Part of me wonders if, since I confronted W about the OM, she will hit rock bottom. That it will make her really realize what she's gotten herself into, and that I know about it. But that is such a LOOOONG shot at this point. And I'm not sure I want to go back.

From what I have learned about WW's, it is seldom the words of the H that cause her to hit rock bottom. (However, his actions can certainly help it along). Actually, she doesn't "have" to hit rock bottom, but it is common. The school of hard knocks, better know as reality, causes her fantasy world to colaspe. That is what works. If the H will drop the rope, won't try to rescue her, won't pursue her, and won't be her BFF......life has a way of bringing things into the light and opening the eyes of a WW.

I am very excited you told her you would not be friends. The little chat she wanted in the bedroom, and the direction she wanted to take the conversation at the end of your confrontation, was down the "let's remain good friends". No, you don't stay friends with someone who betrays you. You can be civil, but not pals. For some reason (and I have a theory of why) the WW typically wants the H to be her BFF. Big mistake, if he does!!

At some point during the conversation, I told her that I didn't think D was the solution to our problems, but I respect her opinion. She asked what the solution was. I said I didn't know, but I don't think it's divorce.

Okay, you've expressed your opinion about D not being a solution. I suggest you don't make the mistake I see in many other H's. Do not repeat that statement, or tell her how you don't want a D. I see H's doing that every chance they get, and it makes them look pathetic. She knows you don't want it. Don't remind her every time she turns around. If anything, it would be more effective if she thought she was losing you b/c of her infidelity. That's why she want to remain buddies, so she doesn't completely lose you.

The one thing I have seen all WW's respect, is strength. You may not feel very strong before all of this is over, but you need to act as if you are. Act as if you deserve a woman who will love you and be faithful to you. Don't chase after someone who wants to discard you like the trash.

This is going to crush my youngest son. Just 2 days ago he was asking when we were going to Disney World again. I don't think my W has prepared herself for how he's going to react. My god, he was so emotional on his last day of elementary school.

Let me give a piece of advice, from when I was wayward. Your WW will want to cover her a$$ with the kids. She will want to make it sound as if this is an agreement that both, she and daddy, have made. When I was first posting.......as a WW, I felt that the H should "protect" the kids.......but really it was the WW I thought he should cover. When I was told by one of the LBH's that he refused to lie to his children to cover his W's affair.....it really hit my heart hard. B/c I was guilty. As a mother, that's usually the last thing you want your children to know about you. If they (especially the teenager) finds out you have lied (and they always do), they will feel they cannot trust either of you. That deceit will do a lot of damage. So, I urge you and every other man to never let the WW decide what will be told to the children! You are the offended one, you say what you want them to know. We had a LBH not too long ago, who had been distant with his own father ever since his parents divorced. As he was encouraged by the board, he went to see his father, and to tell him about his marriage problems. That's when he learned the truth behind the D of his parents. His mother was the one who wanted the D. She had been in an A, and his father agreed to not say anything about it. As a result, the father forfeited a relationship with his son. Every parent should learn from that man's heartbreaking experience, and don't do what the cheater wants........which is for you to go down in the flames for them. They want to come through D looking like a peach!

Yes, use age appropriate language, and be discrete by not giving the dirty details. But do not deceive your children, and do not take the fall for your W. It is not the honorable thing to do. The honorable thing is to tell the truth to your kids. If you don't want the family to split, then why on earth would you tell your children it was what you both want?

Let them know they had nothing to do with the M not working. They are loved and will be continue being loved, having a home, and seeing both parents. Usually, school aged kids want to know if they have to change schools, move away from their friends, etc. they want to know how this D is going to affect their lives.

You are going to get through this ordeal.