I had to read your post a couple times and I am confused on how to answer, thus my procrastination in responding. If I were to write a long list of concrete objectives and goals, I would say that we have met almost all of them. We started Retrouvaille and that we need to complete, otherwise we have "done the things to do." So I don't struggle with feeling that we are not making progress. We have made a tremendous amount of progress!
What I am struggling with is the concept of forgiveness, what it means to me personally, and how to achieve it. This evolves over time as I research it, think about it, and as my healing from the sitch (PTSD) naturally happens over time. What I am learning is that "forgivenss" holds different meaning and more so has a different value for each one of us. I am at a place where I am trying to accept that my process is a veerryyy slllooowwww one. This is not just about the degree of the assault that this had on me, but my ability to cope, accept, and let go of the emotions surrounding it.
Good communication to me can be broken down in two parts. The first part being that one side is free to express themselves safely, openly, and honestly, and that it is done in a respectful, clear, and concise way. The second part is that the other side can listen, hear, and understand, and then that they are able to take in and process that information. Basically, we svck at all of it!
I think this is mostly because, as I said above, we have been practicing bad communication for 3 years. The poor communication has been fueled by the hard feelings. The more we practice, the more we have cemented these habits. Like any bad habit, when you practice it, you reinforce it further.
What I like about the Retrouvaille program is that it forces you to break the habit. The program teaches you how to communicate openly about your feelings and how to listen and take in your partner's feelings. I think the more you can practice these techniques, the more you gain understanding and empathy towards your partner. If we can develop these new and better habits, then the harder issues become less triggering and more manageable. If done well, ultimately this creates intimacy needed to have a loving and close M.
That is my hope anyhow :-)
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
