"From this day forward." I honestly cannot recall if that was in my M vows. I looked for them a few years back--just prior to BD--and couldn't find them. Maybe that would have stopped him from being a chit head and leaving? Nah, doubt it. I do recall in our M vows were something to the effect of "choosing each day to stay with this family for what it is and what it is becoming." Yikes! I mean did H think he could just choose to no longer participate and bail? Maybe we thought back then that if we took the pressure off that we would more than likely choose to stay. No idea. Ha!
I think your point is that I need to start looking forward and stop looking back. Yup. I completely agree. I am sorry but I am just not there yet. I have still not full forgiven him for what he did and it does hold me back. I also know myself enough to know that I need to forgive him in order to move forward, and that if I want to, I will. So it will happen. In time I believe. I am accepting that this is going to take a much longer time than I had thought.
I am sorry your H didn't forgive you. That is more telling about him than your mistakes tho, isn't it? You can't stay only halfheartedly if you are in it for the long haul. I know that too. I can't stay where I am indefinitely. My clock is ticking. I also know that H feels that he is waiting for me and it is his choice (right) to leave at any time. I am okay with that too. I have all I need with or without him. That my friends, is what I call detachment. I savor it. It feels better than anything I have felt in years and there is no risk involved.
Harboring resentment vs real issues in present day M:
I guess it is hard for me to understand how "real" the present day issues are. I mean look, he is not anything like the current waywards, walkaways, MLC, or exhibiting any dirt-bag (for lack of a better term at the moment" behaviors. However, I also realize that while we are compatible in most ways, there has been this tiny piece missing. That tiny piece I have always accepted because my love for him was so strong and quite frankly his good qualities far outweighed it. Note I am not sharing this tiny piece because well, it feels slightly shallow. I know this is a great community and I don't think you will scoff at it (well some might), but because I don't think it's right to place too much value on this sort of thing. There are things about H I don't like and they have always been there.
The thing is, I think it is a cultural problem (and why US has high D rates) to assume that your S should fulfill all these roles (best friend, intellectual, financial, emotional, etc). So what I am saying is it is not so much "real issues" is that there are things lacking in him that I just need to appreciate in others. As I age (and my children leave the nest) perhaps this piece will be of more significance, I don't know.
I guess the "real issues" stem from the hard feelings dangling form the separation and the chitty communication that has consequently developed from those hard feelings in the last 3 years. ... Just the other night we were bickering, and there stood our littlest little watching us and sobbing (way over tired from a long day at camp) and this added stress, and then caused more bickering, and round and round we went .... it was like a bad afterschool special. Sigh.
So all in all, I think I get it. Time to move forward. We need to get back into Retrouvaille and learn to express/understand one anothers' feelings, improve on basic communication, and both work towards forgiveness and then intimacy. I think I can do that. It's the detachment and not really wanting to do it that holds me back.
Did I even answer the questions? Sorry, that was a long tangent I went off on ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
