So I finished another wonderfully helpful book. This book has a similar title to the last book I read. In it there are some seemingly helpful exercises that I am going to try. As I read the exercises, I did some of them in my mind and could see right away how they could be really helpful in my healing.
One of the reasons these two books have helped me so much is their exploration of the psychology behind the dynamics in my marriage. Armed with this knowledge, I can more easily pinpoint my issues and know what I can do about them. This knowledge has boosted my confidence and self esteem. Along with that, I am able to see more clearly the emotional turmoil my H must be facing. In turn, this allows me to unload some of the responsibility for what has happened. I have too easily and too readily accepted responsibility for the whole of the relationship. I have too readily believed his perception of me and my contribution.
One unfortunate downside is I have a firm grasp on how much work is involved in untangling the emotions lurking in our psyches. I am willing to embrace this work and already feel I have accomplished a lot. On the other hand, what I have suspected all along, is that H can't do it right now. Whether he ever will remains to be seen. I am not hopeful and have not been for some time. As I have struggled to unpack my issues and face them, I have become increasingly aware of the strength needed to do this. When I look at H, all I see is him running away.
I have been reading others threads a lot lately. What I have found so helpful is understanding what happens in the relationship as the LBS turns their back on the MLC'er. It seems the MLC'er starts to notice and reacts negatively trying to draw the LBS back. This has been helpful because I think I see H bucking, resisting, and trying to provoke me.
Could some of you chime and let me know what you think of this . . .
So H works in a dangerous profession. Early in our marriage (approx. 10 years ago) we had a scare and I received a call in the middle of the night that something happened to H at work (not life threatening). I was taken to the hospital and H underwent surgery. Ever since then, I have stressed to H the importance of calling me to let me know if he will be late so I don't worry. Prior to the incident it was a source of tension because oftentimes, H would not bother. Afterwards, he got better and 95% of the time he would call or text me.
Fast forward to last night. He was 1 1/2 hours late. No call, no text, nothing. H knows this bothers me.
I didn't say a word about it. I did not ask him any questions. When he came home, I cheerfully greeted him like I normally would. This morning, I said nothing.
I refuse to be goaded into a fight so he can justify his bad behavior. I won't do it. Nope.
If he wants to be irresponsible and mean, then that is on him. That behavior has nothing to do with me. I may be indirectly affected by it, but he is not doing this because of me. He is doing this for some other reason. Admittedly, it does bother me. It hurts my feelings that he could treat me with such disrespect. I feel like my needs aren't important and don't mean anything to him. This is exactly how my parents treated me. What I wanted or needed didn't seem to matter. They just couldn't be bothered.
So I suspect that this acting out behavior is consistent with what happens. The MLC'er pokes, prods, and tries to provoke to see what happens. Do I understand this correctly?
If so, what happens next? What should I expect from him next? More of this type of behavior?
When it doesn't work the way they expect it to, what do they do next?
