Regaing Respect of the WS?

[sandi2]

Tread, do you believe all lot of your W's controlling ways stem from her FOO? If she saw her parent incapable of running the home sufficiently, and she had to take on that role at an early age........it makes sense that those behavior patterns were set and carried over into the M.

Let me say this about controlling. I think most everyone has a just a little touchcontour desire to control some situation. Some are not as obvious as others. I know some good people who want to control their grown children's lives, or other members of their family, friends, co-workers, etc. They can appear to be sweet, caring individuals. We see it almost everywhere, if we know the signs. While some may have good intentions, there are others who are driven by anything but good. They want the sense of power over a situation. They either believe they know what is best in the situation, or they have a selfish motive. Some can be extremely selfish and out to get what they want, and too bad for anyone else. They go too far when they begin to manipulate people.

I don't know your W's personality type, and I need to refresh myself with your stitch. In the beginning of the M, did you sit down as a couple to make financial decisions, or discuss options, choices, etc. about jobs and other things that would affect the family? Was there one person in charge of balancing the check book......or was this team work? Do you have a situation where you work and bring home the money, and the W is in charge of everything else?

If you could look at the picture without the A in it, would you see a lack of respect she shows for you? Is it all connected to this a? Do you have any idea of what you did, before the A, that would cause her to lose respect for you? I can't remember how long you've been together, but during a MR small resentments can begin to mount in her heart. So many unresolved issues are pushed down inside, and many times.......the H has no idea about it, b/c she did not present it to him in a language he could understand. So, she stops trying and then she has frustration added to the unresolved issues and resentment.......and it eats away at the admiration & respect she felt for him. She thinks it will never change, b/c he won't change, and bitterness seeps into her soul. That is a combination of bad stuff to carry around for any length of time. It continues to grow and eventually, she rebels.

Have you done some deep soul searching and self evaluation in how you measure up as a man, husband, and father? Before you can expect to do much with the relationship with her, you need to be painfully honest with yourself and improve yourself to the best of your ability. I'm not suggesting you put on the Super H Cape and get rediculous about doing all of her chores, etc. I mean, just work on your manhood, build your confidence, become more like the man you envision in your mind. Did/do you have a role model, that you could ask yourself, "What would he do in a stitch such as mine"? Our roles models do not have to be parents, or even people IRL. It can be a character you've studied, or a hero in a movie........I think we all need a role model.

Don't be a doormat. It bothers me to read posts where people think DBing means becoming a doormat. I'm not upset at them personally, but I think it is a misconception many folks have. IMHO, MWD gives the reader what he wants to hear. She offers hope, and that's what he wants. She is saying, "A divorce is not the answer to your marital problems". Instead of running out and getting a quick D, give it some time, and while you are giving things time......you can do x, y, & z. But I don't recall getting the impression it meant you had to lay down and be used for a doormat. No person should ever feel like a doormat. If you feel like one, then there's a good chance you are being treated as one. Nobody can change it, but you.

I think you need to view your banking activity on line, FYI. B/c waywards cannot be trusted, and you need to see what is going out of the accounts. You can do it, without her knowledge, and without causing a scene. Many WW's have drained the account and left the family in high debt. If you have not sought legal advice in how to protect your finances, retirement, property, etc., please do it. Does she have income? And, is she depositing her income into the joint account? Do not take her at her word. This is another route some WW's use. They will have a secret account to deposit their payroll checks, b/c as they say, "That's my money! I don't want to use it to pay household expenses". Be smart, and know what is in your bank accounts, and anything else she would have power to change.

I think the smart thing is to get intell on everything that pertains to you, the M, the house, etc. Is there anything she tries to hold over your head, to push her weight around, or threatened.......that causes you to retreat to the dog house?

My suggestion is not to storm in one day and tell her you are taking over, yada, yada. Just begin working on your confidence and practicing what I said in that long post about how you present yourself as a man. If she gets out of line in front of the kids, how would you address it the first time? And when it happens the second time, what will you do differently? When you have a WW, she doesn't give much credit to what you say, but she watches what you do. We all can put our heads together and work on some problem solving solutions. (And what I've given you is a start).

Do you have any intell on the affair and OM? There are mixed opinions about gathering intell. Have you made any threats about the A? We can come back to this, once I get your response.

Does she discuss OM to you? Does she tell you she's going out to meet him?

Do you confront her and talk about him, or her behavior?

As far as you can tell, has the A gained speed or tapering down?

What are you doing to GAL, and how often each week are you going out?