Boston Dad in need of Help

[Teppo]

Thanks Tread,

I'm so thankful for your support and that of everyone else's on this board. I truly am. I have a very strong support network of family/friends, but the insight and DB methods discussed here have been the keystone to my behavior during this crisis. Had I not discovered this website, I think I would be a complete emotional wreck and would be pursuing the heck out of my W.

Thanks again,

[TBSakaJ9]

It's not 100% your fault it takes two people. Sounds like my wife as well...she has basically cast of our family friends and only interacts with her friends outside of the family. When i look at her and see her act so cold it is so hard to imagine that this is still my wife and this is someone I loved unconditionally. She is like a shadow of her former self.

I agree 150% with Accuracy on the children....I have no idea what the future holds for me and my wife however I will make the most out of this situation for my daughters (8 and 6) so they only see positive interactions between me and my wife.

[AnotherStander]

The best thing I think exW and I did for them is to have a very amicable divorce, which allowed us to keep goodwill with each other. I really think that paid off in spades where the kids were concerned.

When it comes to dividing things up and working out your parenting arrangements, if you can do it together at home and then just get lawyers to formalize it, that's the way to go by far.

I agree, this is what XW and I did as well. There was a wrinkle when in the 11th hour XW decided she wanted to go for more money after we had already agreed to everything and had papers drawn up. She presented some reasoning that made absolutely no sense at all, it was like an Alzheimer's patient had thrown it together. I asked her to sit down with me and explain it and she just got angry and said "we'll just let the lawyers work it out in court." The idea of court had me going through anxiety attacks all over again, plus I had a business deal that was being held up pending our D, so I ended up just agreeing to it so the D could move forward. I can't remember how much the extra was that she wanted, like 15k I think? But whatever it was, it was the best $$ I ever spent because I think a prolonged court battle would have sent me back into depression, affected my work and probably would have had a negative impact on my kids too. Settling the divorce amicably was the smartest move for all involved.

The one thing I would have fought for is if XW had tried to cut down my time with the kids, but very early on we agreed to 50-50 and that never changed. Throughout BD, S and D we both talked about how we respected each other's parenting abilities so that made things go smoother.

Anyway I totally agree with Acc that an amicable D really pays off when it comes to the kids. My parents had a messy D and I cannot begin to explain the hell it put me through as a young teen. Up until my own D it was the one thing I always said was the most difficult experience I had ever gone through. It was far worse than going through the death of loved ones, which is no picnic either.

[LH19]

Teppo,

I also agree with Accuray and AS.

My wife thought she was getting the marital home that she put all her blood, sweat and tears into. Turns out she can't afford it.

She also thought she would get maintenance and child support. Turns out because she took on more hours trying to prepare for the split she will not get anything from me because I carry the health insurance for the kids and it is expensive.

The next thing I believe she is going to realize is that being single in your mid 40s with two young kids is not going to be all what is is cracked up to be.

Karma can be a tough pill to swallow sometimes.

[Accuray]

The next thing I believe she is going to realize is that being single in your mid 40s with two young kids is not going to be all what is is cracked up to be.

True! exW has definitely found that seeking a relationship with someone who is single is totally different from having an affair with a married person you work with. It's much more work and far less fun. It's reality versus fantasy.

I'm really having a tough time accepting what's happening and how the woman I fell in love with, who bore my child, resents me so much.

Yes, its awful. Conflict avoidance does this to relationships, it just builds up and builds up until one person blows like a volcano and the other person has to play catch-up. Better to raise issues as they arise. I read a book called "Rock the Boat" I believe about this -- your best bet for a long relationship is to speak up and say "the way things are going isn't working for me" and your partner either needs to work with you on a compromise or leave, but you can't sweep it under the rug.

I know this sounds like a cliche, but I don't recognize her anymore. I live with a stranger! She's alienated my family, no surprise, but also our friends who haven't bought into "her side of the story". In short, she's placed everyone who disagrees with her on her sh!t list. I'm talking about people we've known for years. I just shake my head at the insanity.

She's suffering for this, believe me, she's just not showing you, but she knows and she's suffering. People making a move like this will desperately seek out people who will validate them, and reject anyone who questions or challenges them.

My exW was talking to my friend's W and telling her about her "work friend" and how great their relationship was. My friend's W said "that doesn't sound right to me, I think you're stepping over the line". With that one sentence, exW cut her off and wouldn't talk to her anymore.

I know I'm responsible for our failures, but I refuse to accept 100% of the blame.

Nor should you! Most people on this board take on too much responsibility, not too little. It's often the way we rationalize what happened -- "if I'm being treated this badly, I must have done something to deserve it..."

Relationships are two-sided by definition.

The "gift" that you're getting, if you can see it that way, is the opportunity and motivation to look at how you behave within a relationship, decide what you like and what you don't, and make some changes FOR YOU. When you go into your next relationship, you'll feel much more confident and certainly better educated.

People that stick in unhappy marriages forever never get the benefit of this opportunity to learn. You can come out much happier in the long run based on dealing with your own issues.

Don't buy into "it's all your fault", but stop well short of "its all her fault" too.

Feel free to get angry, feel free to be sad, come on here and vent, vent, vent. Get all the ire and the anger out, it feels good.

Write her scathing emails and don't send them.

You will have a lot of anger and frustration to work through, and that is not a source of shame and should not be a source of embarrassment. Process it, feel all of it, and you will push through it and come out healed.

Acc

[Teppo]

Thanks Acc,

Here are my GAL activities thus far:

Run 2 miles every morning after taking son to camp.

Workout everyday.

Took up Swing dance lessons (I've always wanted to learn).

Go to Big Band dances on Saturday nights.

Took up cooking classes through my church.

Play hockey once a month.

Spend any free time with my awesome son.

[Accuray]

That's a great list, nicely done! Check out meetups as well -- a great way to meet people and do things you enjoy with a group.

Acc

[Teppo]

Thanks Acc,

One thing I'm struggling with is striking a balance between spending time with my son and GALing. There are somethings associated with GAL that I prefer my son not be a part of, i.e. going to some events where I want to meet new people.

Also, I wonder how different my situation would be if my W wasn't involved in an EA. I really think she would be more amiable to working things out, but of course I'm mind reading now.

[doodler]

One thing I'm struggling with is striking a balance between spending time with my son and GALing. There are somethings associated with GAL that I prefer my son not be a part of, i.e. going to some events where I want to meet new people.

I remember holding my sons when they were babies. They'd fall asleep with their head on my shoulder. I could feel their warm breath on my neck. It was the most wonderful thing I'd ever experienced.

Now, my oldest son is about to start high school in just over a month. It's hard to believe that much time has passed. I only have about four more years until he's off to college and a couple of years after that, my youngest son will be college bound.

Time goes by incredibly fast, so I'm trying to spend as much time with my sons as I can, while I can. I do some activities without them, but I'm happiest when they're around.

Also, I wonder how different my situation would be if my W wasn't involved in an EA. I really think she would be more amiable to working things out, but of course I'm mind reading now.

If your wife wasn't having an EA, then you wouldn't be here to ask that question.

[Accuray]

Just take care of yourself. If you're spending time with your son when you would rather be doing something else you're not as present as you would be otherwise, so take care of yourself and then be present for him.

Your wife's EA is a symptom, not a cause. You'd be in the same situation regardless.

In my case exW had a long EA that ended, then she had another EA that ended, and then another EA which I finally found out about just as it was ending. I thought "great, now he's gone, that's over, and we can work on repairing this relationship!" Which we did for three years, then she had another EA/PA.

It's a symptom. If the guy was gone but she's still feeling the way she is, she'd just seek out another guy, and believe me they are not hard to find.

Acc