Maybe you are right but it doesn't feel that way. She is afraid, that much is true. Now her keeping OM around even as a friend isn't something I really CAN or WANT to support.
I don't know why she would go out of her way to clarify what she meant the night before. I have shown the messages to a few friends who know about the PA and as such I am not disclosing anything new and they were initially thinking she was playing me. They see an attempt to try after reading these messages. They agree that OM needs to be out of the picture.
For the most part she has respected my boundary by saying he would never come to our home. She herself introduced another rule a few weeks ago that she wouldn't hang out unless we were in a good place or if we had a bad experience. Now she could be lying and when I leave next weekend have him over but that would require a level of heinousness which if she really wanted that she could just go out for drinks and go to a hotel OR just move out. Sure it would cost her money but it would be an escape. She wouldn't go to MC and now setting up IC. The counselor also said after we left on Saturday she was worried and almost called us to see if we were okay.
My W for the most part has followed through on the "what am I contributing to this R" to the point where I wonder if SHE maybe started looking online for ways (she really does try to only exchange positive and happy emotions except when I pushed too hard because of OM...but even after that it is HER who tries to get the balance back to peace). Or maybe she really just trust this counselor. She continues to check herself when anger or resentment pops up. She has been honest for the most part about wanting to be in love but simply being too scared. If it was all about wanting to continue a PA with OM she would have found ways to do so. If she is trying to have two relationships she is making it very hard to add another R to do that equation because she suggested we cook some meals together. (Remember: she said at some point that she told OM that I probably wouldn't even care that she was with him. I know.. WW lie and deceive...but she truly DID feel I thought she was ugly and unattractive.)
Not that there isn't a small voice of doubt in my head BUT if I listen to that voice I wouldn't be honoring DR and this board because it's about doing 180s and validating her concerns and detaching and GAL. If I keep being too focused on OM and what W does or wants to do I am not doing that. Sure, I shouldn't be validating the R either but she knows I rather have her not do that.
This morning she brought up something that happened yesterday. Normally she would have yelled at me. She would have confronted me last night but instead she said she assumed I was just excited to be with friends and she shouldn't resent me for something (it was something small... I was playing music, she had mentioned earlier how her migraine was acting up...I turned it off but when a friend came by I got too excited to show him an artist that I use in the classroom and he has a similar teaching approach...we had a few drinks so I didn't recognize immediately W migraines were being brought up...about 20 minutes in I realized what I was doing and turned the TV off and actually also apologized this morning. )
Does this mean W is madly in love with me? No. Does this mean I can lower my guard? Hell no! Does this mean W is giving it a genuine effort to NOT add further pain and hurt into the R? Absolutely. Does this mean W is recognizing how she resented me more and more over the years and now wants to stop destructive patterns? I absolutely think so.
One of two things will happen. The more these positive changes continue W will recognize that her fears may not come to fruition and want to spend more time with me. She will stop texting all the time (not just OM, but her friends...who she felt needed to become her support mode because I kept saying I wasn't her therapist rather than recognizing she just needed someone to listen to). She will likely let go of OM. I am fairly certain the MC in her IC session with wife will bring that up. Either way with both of us wanting to leave the State there won't be a reality of a PA. OM won't leave (I would be shocked unless everything I read and everything I know about him is a lie and he suddenly changes his personality and approach). Even in the meantime the ONLY times W could hang out with OM if she wanted to would be really late in the evenings.
Does this seem fast? Absolutely and this will take a LOT OF TIME. But I do think a few things worked in our favor here:
- I made changes before discovering the PA - I validated her concerns (I think a few folks on here early on said that was different from other cases). In turn SHE has validated a lot of my concerns and not just nodded but actually CHANGED her behavior. - For the most part I have been consistent for over two months in major changes. The BIG one is impulse and emotional control (read through all these pages and you will see that one pop up) - The PA happened and continues at least as an EA (or actual friendship I am not dismissing that) BUT if OM worked regular hours she would have been sleeping with him daily. She would have gone on dates etc. So when I discovered it I may have been at a much bigger disadvantage if they had done a lot more. - W. DID deal with emotional distress of having the PA and recognized before I discovered it that something wasn't right. (this is my gut telling me that but also based on seeing her be VERY emotional and express suicidal ideation and "not feeling anything") - W. after I discovered the PA almost instantly wanted to make sure it had nothing to do with me. She has been almost consistently positive about my value and worth as a man and person. In other sitch I see a lot of anger and resentment and ridicule of the LBS.
Again. Maybe I am delusional. Maybe I am trying to be too optimistic. Maybe all of these positives only show she just doesn't want an explosive fight. But even that is a positive take away. Maybe, she is afraid of her image being tarnished and people judging her. That is certainly a thought that popped up in my head. But that risk won't disappear. If we split up and even if it is amicably people will ask questions. So maybe she is making these positive moves reluctantly but you know maybe she will slowly come to realize that our R wasn't that bad or at least can be a whole lot better. She has already seen what a different H I can be. She may be sad and upset it took me so long...but she is curious enough to stick it out so far.
