Fair point...the advantage of seeing someone SO clearly the exact opposite (once you get past the complete bewilderment) is that as much as you miss the person you knew, this is a very different person! Being objective, it looks as if the 5% dark bits of of my STBXH's character are now running the show.
Been a hard road to get here but I guess I've had to reluctantly accept that my M is dead, my H is unavailable and no longer loves or cares about me at all. Might hate me actually. Nothing I can do about it but refuse to believe his version of our pretty happy M or of me. I probably was trying to Stand, but I see no positive signs at all of him breaking through after almost 2 years of chaos, so I need to let it/him go to have a non-WTF life. No idea what will happen to him and to be honest, assume I'll never see or speak to him again so I won't know.
All I can do is detach from the chaos, accept I'm being divorced and GAL for myself. I miss him, and I miss having hope for him but I don't anymore. I suppose I think he'll just keep running for years and won't be quite brave enough to stop and deal with the damage in a healthy way. Sad. I know he's not happy really and I know it's been painful for him, but I also know only he can fight his way out. Thank goodness my natural self-esteem, even battered as I have been, stopped me beating myself up about it or thinking I could 'fix' him! But it is sad, because as a natural optimist, in the early days (when I didn't know it might be MLC), I hoped that something strong and beautiful would come out of something dark and ugly.
Loving detachment and throwing it over the wall to God while focusing on what next for me without my beloved is the only thing that makes sense...and enjoying being 4st lighter courtesy of the LBS diet, of course! It's ironic that I look better than I have for years and he looked dreadful when I saw him briefly a few months ago..
So, hopeless and helpless against MLC, but not for myself of my life
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
