Hi Focus, Sorry I haven't stopped by in a while. It is fantastic to hear the progress you've made. I'm jealous!You've been through some tough times but you are stronger than ever. Your story is inspiring so keep posting!
Thank you so much Scrant.
I still have days when I feel a bit down. They're not specifically about STBXH - he feels like a stranger to me now, and my life with him feels like it belonged someone else entirely.
But the days when I feel down are more to do with my own feelings about parts of me. Like the dreams and ideas that I had about what being married to someone meant, and also more specifically ideas that I had about trust...those kinds of things, they feel they have taken a battering.
A little bit of self awareness is never a bad thing tho, eh?
Overall though, day to day, I'd say I feel very happy. I feel very grateful. And I have come to understand in the past couple of weeks that the practising a sense of gratitude that I have been (at many times) inadvertently doing over the past year (maybe longer), has let the door open for lots and lots of other positive feelings, opportunities and experiences.
I'd say, looking back, for myself, this has been the key to everything: learning to practise a sense of gratitude. I think I probably started with trying to feel grateful for very, very small things. I remember shortly afterwards, painting my front door. It took a huge effort, and when I started, I thought I would only be able to manage a small corner. But I gradually managed to paint more and more of it, in that one session, and I felt immensely grateful that I could focus totally on something so simple and pass some time, and not be completely overwhelmed by the utter pain I was feeling the rest of the time.
I now wake up in the mornings and make a point of telling myself what I'm looking forward to that particular day. And now go to bed at night thinking of the things that have happened, things I have felt I feel grateful for that day.
Feelings now, almost two years on: a profound sadness (but not as deep as sorrow), a feeling of absolute peace (I don't know if this is acceptance or not), gratitude for the things I have learnt and way I am at this point in time, a feeling of gentleness and kindness towards myself that I didn't have before, a deep sense of contentment in some of the small things that happen during the day.
