I think assertive action is much more attractive than passivity.. Nothing is attractive about a passive man. Passivity is a picture of a close-mouthed, mousey, hutch-down, "Yes Dear" man. Open you mouth and express your opinion, and say, "We are going to the restaurant I have chosen". Do not walk around on egg shells on your own home.
Assertive actions are attractive, plus it is a must when a man is has W who demonstrates an act of disrespect.
As for controlling......not at all. Listen, two cards the WW use most are the "control card" where she sees you being more assertive and starts accusing you of trying to control her. Pay it no attention. It is her trying to get her power away from you. The other card is the "guilt card" where she tries to manipulate you through guilting you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the explaination. My W has always been controlling, so I have stepped to the side and allowed her to control certain aspects of the MR. Has a lot to do with her upbringing. Her mother was abusive and wasn't a very good example. So my W pretty much was a mother figure to her two younger siblings. Who to this very day still treat her like a mother figure.
Clearly the respect my W had for me is gone. My W still chooses to be friends with OM against my wishes. She could careless how this makes me feel, which prior to the A she wouldn't have done. Still feel that there is an EA still happening at least. I just know that unless I can get back that respect, then I don't have a chnace of getting W back.
Also I just need to get back the respect for myself first and foremost. Somewhere down the line I became passive to my W, which is odd. Because in all other aspects in my life, I am far from passive. And DB'ing probably made me even more passive. I'm doing great with the 180's and GAL, but how do I deal with her disrespect without arguing? Unless arguments when dealing with a WW is inevitable when demanding respect.
Sandi....how can you get the respect back if you are currently separated?
By not letting her switch the child schedule around every couple of weeks, showing up late at kid swap, and basically just not letting her take advantage of you where your time with the kids is concerned.
When she talks to you on the phone, the conversation has to be civilized. She cannot yell, scream, curse, be demanding, give threats, or any behavior along this lines. You can tell her that you will not stay on the phone and listen to her rage (or whatever it is) and you are hanging up. Then do it. Just hang up and when she calls back to chew you out, you don't answer. Her number probably shows up, so don't answer.
If she is the one moved out, don't go inside her new place. Wait in the drive way if you are there to get the kids. However, if you are living in the family home......let her come in, when sh is picking up the kids. She should not be allowed to come & go as she wants.If she ever speaks or does something disrespect to you while inside your house, ask her to leave, and wait to be invited before she enters again. If she has not pack up all her personal things, tell her she has xx days to get them, or you will take care of them. (Pack in boxes and sit in the garage, attic, or somewhere out of sight).
The stories we hear on the board have some doozie WW's. It's like they try to give the H a hard time every way they can. He does not have to take it. When she sees he won't be manipulated, she may be angry for a while......but she will see it as strength, and respect him for it. This can be a numerous things, but usually she uses the kids. Like, wanting them to stay non-scheduled nights with you b/c she can't get them to school the next day. The more you rescue her, the longer it will take before coming out of her waywardness.......if ever.
Is this a physical separation? If so, you can't let her manipulate you with the kids. Don't let her use you to shuffle them around, just b/c she is doing something else. Do not let her use for to help with something at her place. Don't rescue her. This is what she wanted, so allow life and its realities to hit her.
If in-house separation........it may be more difficult. You would do the examples I posted to Tread, but when you are S, she thinks you have no right to tell her anything.....b/c you are S. But she's wrong. As a man she is disrespecting...,,.you have every right. It is the same right you would have if a total stranger who started showing disrespect. But it's more important to stop this in its tracks with your WW, b/c you will have some amount of contact with her, even if you are S.
If I were to ask you guys how would you handle some of the stuff she dishes at you........if she was another guy? Is it b/c she is a woman that makes you crawl up in a ball?
I am curious to hear honest answers about this question.......what would you do if it were a man?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If W was a man, she would have been punched in the mouth if my words had no effect. Or at least shown to the door. But since she is a woman and married to me. She has every right legally to stay on the property and violence is definitely not an option.
Clearly the respect my W had for me is gone. My W still chooses to be friends with OM against my wishes. She could careless how this makes me feel, which prior to the A she wouldn't have done. Still feel that there is an EA still happening at least. I just know that unless I can get back that respect, then I don't have a chnace of getting W back
So, are you saying that prior to the A she showed a measurable level of respect toward you?
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Also I just need to get back the respect for myself first and foremost. Somewhere down the line I became passive to my W, which is odd. Because in all other aspects in my life, I am far from passive. And DB'ing probably made me even more passive. I'm doing great with the 180's and GAL, but how do I deal with her disrespect without arguing? Unless arguments when dealing with a WW is inevitable when demanding respect.
Interesting. What was there about DBing that caused you to be even more passive? Maybe your explanation will help alert others who struggle with the same issue.
I will say this much, when a man is passive to point of not making decisions that the head of the home would normally make.......and/or if you would not at least speak up with an opinion when you and your W were faced with decisions........then she felt it was left to her. There's a difference in making a joint decision, from one spouse (who is suppose to lead) lays back and goes mute.......forcing the other spouse to step up and take the role of leader. And when a wife has to do that......she doesn't feel much attraction for a H who chose not to participate. And she probably did not feel supported, if you remained passive. I can't stress enough how unattractive it is for a male to take a passive role. It puts him in a submissive role in his home.
Are you and your W still living together?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
There was a measurable level of respect. But now looking back on it, I can how that respect was probably declining over time. A 180 for me would be to be more calm and happy. Instead of checking what I believe yo be seriously disrespectful. I chose to let things slide. Especially after reading the DR book about waiting out spouses who had OM/OW.
Also my W wanted to be more responsible for certain things in the household in regards to finances. And thought me looking over her shoulder wasn't trusting her to make decisions, so I stood back. Looking back on it, I should have stayed more involved. But she said she could handle things. Now I am finding out that she really couldn't. So now I have been stepping back in and she hates it. But I don't care.
If W was a man, she would have been punched in the mouth if my words had no effect. Or at least shown to the door. But since she is a woman and married to me. She has every right legally to stay on the property and violence is definitely not an option.
You gave the exact answer I was expecting. So, how do you deal with a female that would get a punch in the mouth if she was a man? Do you think she knows you would treat her a lot differently is she wasn't a woman?
I never suggest violence. I believe it can be handled without physical violence. I don't know all the ways, and thank God, I have not lived it. I have observed IRL waywards who were so bad, their nice-guy H could do nothing with her........and he either lost his dignity and lived as a submissive, or he left her.
I believe men don't give themselves enough credit. Their statue and bodily presence can be presented in a way that it almost towers over the female. Not all, but most men are a bit taller and overall bigger than his W. When he presence himself in a confident way, it can be quite powerful to a woman. Standing tall, back straight, shoulders back, with legs slightly spread, and hands on his hips.......that gives a message. His voice is lower than the female, and when he raises his voice..........it has an affect on females that she can't possible compete. That's one of the quirks God gave man as the leader. He is harder, tougher, bigger, and has a voice more powerful than the female. If he knows how to sound authoritive, it can serve him well. It how you present yourself with confidence and show a face that says you are putting up with no more crap.
My dad was a WWII vet. He held his body the way I told you, and he had that voice with authority, and people immediately noticed. Strangely enough, I don't recall him raising his voice like shouting, b/c he didn't have to. People heard the authority, and that was enough. Let me tell you, he was a great man, and never laid a hand on anyone, as far as I know..........but people didn't give him a hard time........and they respected him.
As I previously stated, I think you need to have an idea what to do if she does not stop her bullying. If you tell her you won't put up with her cr@p anymore. What will you do when it continues?
Some guys have practiced in front of a mirror what and how to say something to the W when she disrespects him. I see nothing wrong with it. What ever helps your confidence.
I'm sure you could look on the Internet and get some free information about how to deal with a bully wife. You could google what to do when she won't end an affair. Of course you may get bubble gum advice, but it doesn't hurt to check.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The problem I have dealt with and probably the same for other men here. The WW just doesn't give a damn. My W initially after the A tested me to see if I would hit her. When she couldn't get me to hit her so she would liok like a victim, whichever would take the attention off the A. She just kept with the disrespect knowing the worse that could happen would be telling on my part. Most of the things she is doing is what she has seen her own mother do to men for years. Other than than exposing her A , I feel like I'm lacking in options. Whichever is why I need to get that respect back, so she could start giving a damn again.
