Same Sitch. New Approach... Feeling Good (part 2)

[Chris73]

I just caught up...

Are you getting the help and support you need from friends and family and professionally if needed?

Have you told the kids? How did that go?

How are the new living arrangements?

Did you finalize the separation agreement?

What are your next steps from here?

Hi Gordie (and everyone else on the board). It's been a little over 2 months since I posted here. A lot has changed in those two months, but unfortunately not for the better.

Physical separation started on 6/12. We are taking turns sleeping in the house. Initially we proposed renting an apartment for the times when either of us are not in the house, but this proved to be cost prohibitive (and frankly I didn't like the idea of us sharing TWO different places). So instead I'm staying at my mom's and my W claims to be staying with a female friend. The frequency is generally fair. We have the same amount of time at home with the kids over a two week period. But what isn't really fair to me is the added hassle of living out of duffle bag with personal items in two places. I'm sucking it up for sake of a less traumatic transition with the kids, but I can't see this arrangement lasting more than a few months.

We sat down exclusively with S8 (per the recommendation of the M&F therapist) to explain the situation. W was very aloof about the entire process and fully expected that we would just "wing it" when we talked to him. I, on the other hand, insisted on hashing out the details with the therapist (when do we tell him? where/how do we sit? how to we begin the conversation? who talks first? how do we answer his questions?) which took two sessions. He took the news as well as could have been expected. He's very mature and level-headed, so there was no rage or anger. Just some sadness in his eyes.

To date, we haven't talked to D5 about it. She seems to understand that mom and dad aren't always home every day. But the therapist advised that we let her adapt to the new arrangement and watch her behavior before preemptively giving her bad news to deal with. Can't say I totally agree with this decision, but that's probably because I'm angry and I want my W to take some responsibility for her decision.

Finances have been separated and we're working together to pay off our shared debts. A few months ago, after a lot of spewing, my W insisted that she would only agree to this swapping arrangement if we were "actively working on the divorce mediation." To date, nothing has been discussed. I don't think my W realized how busy summer with two kids can be.

Last week, the M&F therapist met with S8 to talk to him one on one. The result was exactly what I expected. S8 wants more time with me and wants more family time (all 4 of us). I can tell that he's upset about the situation. But so far I have not seen any major change in his behavior.

W and I have had a few dramatic moments since the separation but for the most part, things have been cordial. She's been surprisingly accommodating in some situations where she's volunteered extra nights for me to be home with the kids. I suspect that this may be partly because she really doesn't want to live in our house anymore. But whatever the reason I am more than happy to accept.

My side of the family has been very supportive. Offering emotional and financial help when I need it. I even heard from a couple people on her side of the family who called to see if I was ok and say how sorry they are. I don't press them for information, but the general feeling is that my W isn't saying much to anyone on her side. She basically just tells them that she doesn't want to be married anymore. Perhaps the rest of the details are reserved for her girlfriends and OM, but who knows.

Personally I have good and bad days. The stress of the living arrangement gets to me sometimes, but I'm enjoying my free time and the freedom to do what I want when I'm home. I've taken a pro-active approach to fixing up the house (organizing, repairs, landscape) and I recently turned my office into a meditation space and a vinyl listening room. Setting up the turntable with new speakers was something on my wish-list for a few years now, so I'm psyched that it finally came together.

In moving forward with the assumption that the marriage will not reconcile I've set my ambition on keeping the house. My W would prefer to sell it. She has told me many times how much she hates living there and that she never wanted to buy our house (history rewriting, of course). But my initial research into our situation gives me hope that I will be able to buy her out of her share. I'm not looking to screw her out of money but I think it would be good for the kids to continue to have some stability if/when the divorce progresses. I would live there full time and the kids would live there 50% of the time. Seems like the next logical step anyway. We'll lose money on the house if we sell it, and considering the amount of time and money needed to get the house market ready, selling it isn't realistic right now.

So I really don't know where things are headed next. I spent the last year of my life trying to reconcile my marriage single-handedly. And now that I'm not trying anymore the anger and resentment have taken center stage. I look at my W these days and I don't see anything that I like anymore. She's always been physically beautiful, but she's not attractive to me anymore. Emotionally we're completely disconnected. There have been numerous times in the past two months when I wanted to tell her about things going on in my life (apart from the marriage). Major things like some of the mini-breakthroughs I'm having in therapy, and minor things like my crappy day at work. But I don't share any of that with her now.

So it's all very confusing. As of today I don't really know if I want to reconcile with her. And if I did want to, would it be for the right reasons? Could we ever reconnect and build a relationship better and stronger than the one that failed? Could I ever trust her again? When I try to answer these questions I get stuck because saying "yes" seems a bit delusional, but saying "no" makes me feel like I'm giving up, giving in, and telling her without words that she was right all along.

I want to be able to support my W as she continues down her path. She has a lot of mirror work to do and it's going to be really hard for her when she finally stops distracting herself from the real issues in her life. I've been reading about agape love and often return to the lighthouse story on this board for inspiration. A few months ago I started writing an apology letter, but my anger got the better of me and I never finished it. I should probably do that.

Been listening to a lot of Grateful Dead lately. It's surprising how easily their music can lift me out of my funk. The lyrics to the song Comes a Time are particularly apropos for me right now. So I'll finish my post with them:

Comes a time when the blind man takes your hand, says
"Don't you see? Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
Only love can fill.

Been walking all morning went walking all night
I can`t see much difference between the dark and light
And I feel the wind And I taste the rain
Never in my mind to cause so much pain.

From day to day just letting it ride.
You get so far away from how it feels inside.
You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall,
But the day may come when you can't feel at all.

The words come out like an angry stream.
You hear yourself say things you could never mean.
When you cool down you find your mind.
You got a lot of words you've got to stand behind.