...show that there is a smooth path back if she chooses to take it. The more I disengage the less smooth I make that path.
Tobias,
My original intent was just to reinforce the fact that your wife apparently has an inappropriate relationship with another man. But, you mentioned a "path back" to the relationship; your wife hasn't suffered any loss so she doesn't need a smooth path back, she's already where she wants to be.
If you had this conversation with your wife, "You need to choose me or the other man; I'm unwilling to stay in the marriage as long as you have a boyfriend. I would be very happy if you would chose me and I'm willing to do what needs to be done to save our marriage, but you have to be committed to the marriage as well." That establishes a boundary, the consequences of not heeding the boundary, as well as a smooth path back.
In my opinion, it's just as simple as that, but our emotions get the best of us so we get caught-up in a silly game of pursuit and distancing.
