Lim, I agree with you. There are two things that need to happen: 1. the turning focus inwards and growing as a person--180, GAL, introspection, and then those choices/efforts lead to detachment. 2. Is dropping the rope and letting go of the expectation that the consequences of your actions will bring them back. This leads to a deeper level of detachment.
I think if these things are done harmoniously, we not only improve our personal outcomes and growth, but we simultaneously increase the chance they will want to come back. I think while we must do these things in order for them to come back and in order for piecing to be productive, there is also a third element of which we have zero influence. Some would come back despite this work not being, while others won't regardless. That unknown is somewhat overlooked, but hard to identify because it may have more to do with who they are and their process. We often talk about our S's as if they are all aliens, MLC, and in a fog, however I am not sure that is always the case. Some may just be choosing to leave the M and are resolved in that choice.
I think my H would have come back even had I not DB. I didn't actually DB well at all. I keep this in mind when I give advice. I am still learning, slowly but surely. I think that has made some of my struggles in piecing harder--I have focused more on H's mistakes and betrayals, and less on my own process. So now I am trying to balance both, but not for him, more for me. That is what changes when they do come back--a different and more natural detachment (protective) process.
Tx, how are things going with you and W?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
