Your posts hurt my heart to read! I feel like ranting about what a special POS your H is, but that does no one any good, so I won't. ... I appreciate your willingness to share your emotions and rawness and your motivation to really work through this. You are a very special lady. I am drawn to your posts because of this.
When I read all of your fears, self doubt, and wondering "what is wrong with me?" "What does he think when he looks at me?" "Is there any hope he will come back?" It gets me because I said those exact words just 3 years ago. I felt, said, and thought all of them daily for a long, long time. I can see now, years later, that it was me that held me back and not H! It is your FEAR and not your REALITY that is hurting you. You WILL have a great life with or without him.
It was especially challenging because even when I tried to hide it and play the part of accepting it, I just couldn't. He saw through it. He saw through it because I was doing it to win him back and not for me. You have to get to a point where you shift your mind and start making choices for you and not for the M. That is gone and over. I think for you this starts with laying firm boundaries, including a clear schedule for the kids. Minimize all interactions. If you are forced to have them, then you practice your acting skills for your own dignity (not for him and what he thinks) and then you exit situation!
I blamed myself, I felt that I wasn't good enough, and I couldn't even accept it was really happening. I was just like you. ... Now, in your thread, I keep reading the same questions and the same answers--thread after thread--and I see you just can't quite get there. It's okay. Please don't beat yourself up for that too. Go easy on yourself--lower expectations of him AND YOU. You will get there in time. It took me 8-9 mos of torturing myself to finally drop the rope, and even then, I don't know if it ever hit the ground.
Here is the thing tho, it is the best relief you can offer yourself. None of us--as much as we want to--can do that for you. It's the hardest thing you will ever do. But you can do it! Let him go, pretend he is never coming back, and somehow, some way, you WILL start your healing process.
I'm sorry--this was rushed--I just want to help you! XOXO
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
