(((leah))) I'm sorry. It hurts on so many levels--the lies, betrayal, more lies, and it can feel like someone is playing with your mind. But you are one strong lady and I know you will come out stronger than before. I have no doubt.
Sadly, at this point, I am more surprised when I find out the spouse ISN'T having an A! I tend to think even in that case, the LBS just never knew. ... Anyhow, I am not sure how much this info changes things for you. Yes, it hurts so terribly and deeply. It can even have us questioning what our M ever meant, where we went wrong, and who we are as a person (people). Here is what I truly believe now though, years further, and that is that it is really not about us. It is about them and their inability to cope with life's hardships or complex R's.
There is a way to handle hardships with respect and dignity and sadly your H has shown you his weakness. Please know that this is not a reflection of you or the woman that you are. It was up to him to talk to you and be an honest partner in how he dealt with the M and the issues (that all Ms have). I cannot say this enough times to you (and to every poster here).
So what does this change? I don't tend to think it changes that much. Often the A runs it's course, and there is some data that shows that to be 6 mos - 2 years or something. Sometimes the S has an awakening and sometimes then they come back. Sometimes they don't. Rarely do I think these As work out that well, as it is often a pipe dream or some fantasy. Either way, you don't have to wait to find out. It is perfectly fine to start taking action and file for D now and I think that even empowers some people. Maybe it will scare him to come running back? I don't know, but please don't let that be your reason.
In terms of what it changes emotionally, I don't know that it will help much. He is still gone--A or no A--and he has been checked out for some time now. You knew that--I could tell from your writings. Flowers or not, he has been gone. It still hurts all the same. As others say, just feel that pain. Allow it and process it. If you start to detach more or less well, that is okay too. Everything will unfold in time as it should. You will come out stronger because I can tell that you want that.
If there is something I want to say to you it is something that got me through. I held on to this belief that things never stay the same and things can always get better. Remember a time in your life when things felt terrible, devastating, or scary. Then recall how you felt a year later, then 5, and then 10. ... Well this will be like that too. That I can promise.
Take care, sweetie. You don't have to DO anything now. It is okay just to be present and allow some sadness and healing. There is always more time to do the rest.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
