So my W mentioned something about how she still doesn't feel in love and I told her we have to take it a day at a time especially if she is still scared.
The more I think about it the more I think she is just completely done with living in this State where she has virtually no room for advancement and because I wasn't behaving in the best way possible she saw me as part of the problem especially since I was complaining about the money needs for her to pursue that dream. I wanted to focus on those things and she heard me telling her no, she cannot do that. add that our sex lives became mundane and routine and the fact that I didn't really seem to give her attention the way she needed. This led to loss of respect for me because while I was at work I didn't seem to advance.
Since I discovered PA she has I think gotten some new respect for me but now she is in turmoil because a) she was convinced she wanted out, b) she tried and tried and tried to get me to go to MC or for me to recognize there was something wrong (in reality, I told her I was happy but I was always worried and afraid and desperate to find out what was wrong... a simple 'yes, let's go to MC would have done wonders') and c) her meeting someone else complicated everything.
She wants to keep OM around because the fear is still there and he is the only one here without a connection to me. She understands that I am worried that she does that and wants to be honest with me but also needs time and space to figure things out. Time and space I keep telling her she has but I keep having moments where I let my emotions get the best of me.
She says I need to stop doing nice things for her but she does appreciate them and enjoys them. She clearly cares for me and wants to feel differently but also needs to focus on herself. So today, when she woke up sick I was there to help her and she appreciates it but also feels guilty I am doing these things for her and apologizes she doesn't feel in love.
I truly think IC will help her clarify her own thought process and it could lead to either the start of a better R or perhaps the start of us breaking it all off.
She needs me to not always push her to do things and I have begun to be more patient.
She needs much more sexual intimacy and while we have this sitch going on we have been much freer and open in expressing our sexual desires and (she says so at least) it has been different and almost more passionate. I have been trying to let her initiate any intimacy like hugs and kisses and sex but a few times I initiated because I think one of her things was that she wants me to be more dominant and take what I want. I make sure she wants to and usually right after I initiate she gets excited and tells me what she wants. I recognize this may be risky but I also think that intimacy is the lifeblood of a relationship and if she sees me as a friend the more positive our intimacy is the more perhaps she can get out of the fog. (especially also because she calls herself fat and ugly...hence the working out desire she has) --> the fat and ugly probably didn't help that she thought I didn't want to have sex with her and there have been moments where she was seducing me and I was just not interested (I want to punch that version of me....!)
Related: she always says I walk fast. This is true...it's part of being Dutch, we walk fast. But there have been moments where I think she is right there and I am already half a mile ahead. Even worse..there have been a few times where I went through a door, held it open for a bit but DIDN'T check if she was there and the door fell shut right before her. Again I want to punch that person and lately I make an effort to not do that. I don't overdo opening doors but I make sure she is there. I check my pace often and adjust it to hers.
She always needed me to allow her some time alone and with some ups and downs I have been better at letting her do this.
She needed someone to listen to her rather than interrupt and fix things. In recent months I have done much better.
She always liked it when I touch her to ease her anxiety. She calls it familiar. She calls it feeling great. She wonders now if she can live without that. Or if that alone is reason enough to stay.
Of course her turmoil now is greater because she never thought I would be able to provide this and now she doesn't know that when she says ILY if I go back to the old person. But she VALIDATES that I made these changes.
My dilemma is: do I encourage her to stay here so she can see that even with our lives intertwined so much I can keep doing these things OR does she need to be out on her own. She wants a week in a hotel and that may be good because it is short term but expensive. She said what if she signs a multi month lease and after a week realizes she was being dumb. (the fact that she thinks that a few days is enough tells me that she doesn't really want to be done)
In the meantime her writing down four things she would feel more empowered with are important things to pursue. Perhaps THOSE four things alone would greatly make her feel less afraid and more likely to recognize we have a lot going for us.
To her credit she recognizes more and more how she took me for granted. This morning she said she appreciates that even though I am sick (I am fairly certain it is a consequence of my own stress) I still drove her to work. I told her that those words are so powerful because I always felt she didn't recognize it and even though I am happy to do these things during fights I would throw it in her face. Or perhaps I would use it to punish her in some other way. She nodded and said she did and still does at times take me for granted.
While I was taking care of her today she said I don't have to do it I said you do the same for me and she said no I was mean to you. I suggested that perhaps her not being able to drive scared her so that when I am sick she would feel helpless.
I know...I know a lot of analysis...I am curious to see how MC goes tomorrow.
