Seriously you guys are the best, thank you so much to each and every one of you for taking the time out of your lives to reach out to me. Each post warms my heart, even if it's not what I WANT to hear, it still does because I know you all care about me.
25- So my last round of DB, I think I had ACCEPTED it was over and that there was no hope and that he was with someone else and HAPPY. I think I always had hope he would regret his decision but that he had taken things so far that it wouldn't be in the near future of maybe that he would never even admit to me. I think the key word is I accepted what would be but I never stopped caring. I know I didn't truly detach completely because I was so happy when he tried to come back into my life and I was willing to take him back, with my stipulations.
I told myself before I wouldn't do this again. I also NEVER in a million years EVER thought this would happen again. Even my dad said - I would never wish for my daughter to go through that again, but H it made you a better husband... he said it to me the other day, although he told H when he first came back he would do it again, as time progressed he saw the changes in H and really never thought it would happen again.
My old self would say - are you kidding me? Doing this a second time, after a baby and after you begged to come back? What kind of MAN, FATHER, HUSBAND does it once, twice, while your wife is pregnant in school and working, and then when the baby is born?? The mighty side of me says F him! F him for doing this to the boys and I a SECOND time after he trampled me for almost 6 months last time. That's what my brain says, that's the way I want to feel.
But my heart, the weak part of me, says look at this man - I love him. i love the life we built together, our 3 beautiful boys, this property we purchased to build our dream home less than a year ago. He is lost, he wouldn't leave me for someone else, he must just being going through something. I must have really pushed him away like he said. Why did I do this? What is so wrong with me that he felt he had no choice but to give up? Am I so terrible that he can't stand to even attempt to make this M work because he hates me that much? How can he look at me holding our newborn son and look me in the eyes like he did the other night and say "I feel nothing for you, I don't have those feelings for you" I only feel that way about you as the mom of the boys but nothing more, not that way as my wife. Like God, what is so F-ing terrible about me that I deserve to hear that? Anyway, those are the feelings I struggle with every day... maybe if I would have done X instead of Y he would have never moved out. Maybe I did this and he;s not wayward or MLC and he just truly is done because of me and will be happier without me in his life.
Also I think... is he really wayward or is this just what he wants because last time he wouldn't come around when I was home, he wouldn't see me. He was terrible to me, stopped giving me money. Wouldn't even answer when I called. This time he offers me dinner, stays the night every night, etc. If he really thinking clearly and this is just what he wants???
SOrry that was long, but those are my raw feelings that I struggle with daily. Each day it gets less and less but they are still in the background.
Maybell - seriously thank you! I read your post so many times last night as I was laying in bed while all 3 of my precious boys were sleeping with me (by the way as if getting up with a baby multiple times a night isn't enough, my older two have to be all up next to me kicking and rolling!). I appreciate you and your words and so happy to see that either way there truly is light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I don't know you all IRL, it means a lot to know you think of me so highly. It saddens me as well that H cannot see me that way. Everyone in my life says they see all that I do and run the household on top of everything else and say they don't know how. My response is you do what you have to do. My physician (friend) I was with today knows a bit about what's going on without the details - she said how are you so fine? How are you so normal and happy and functioning? I said trust me you don't want to see me at night lol... Being busy keeps me sane.
And you're right, even if there wasn't an A which who knows if there is, THIS treatment is not okay. That's what my mom says to me, she doesn't know why I want to hold on to a man that is capable of treating me like this. My dad said god forbid you ever got sick could you ever count on him to be there during tough times? He told you he was unhappy when you were 8 months pregnant. He said I have known a lot of men in my life and I have never met anyone that would have the balls to tell their wife he was unhappy during her pregnancy.
Sky- thank you for your words as well. I am not counting on him for a THING. I am planning things I need without him. I have made arrangements for all childcare without him. I no longer ask him to watch the baby or do anything for me so I can complete my schoolwork. I make arrangemnts for soccer practice. For example, I got stuck at the office until 6p last night seeing a patient that I had to send to the hospital - I called and had a friend take the boys to practice and made arrangements for them to be picked up on the chance i didn't get home in time to pick them up. I did tell him I needed money for the house insurance and taxes but those are normal expenses.
Own- as far as the legal front, I've paid to consult with a few L. FL does not recognize legal separation so its just file for D or do nothing. I can file for temporary support should he stop paying but again that is 90-120 days prior to getting in front of a judge for a hearing. Those are emergency cases and would happen if he stopped paying then I would have to file for D and file for emergency support. Since I am not ready in this moment to file for D nor have the money for a 5000 retainer there's not much I can do in this moment in time until I'm ready to file or he serves me.
MM- Thank you for stopping by. It is very hard to let go of everything we once knew and the people we thought they were. My dad asks me all the time- what would you tell your friend if she told you this story. You would tell her that her H was an a-hole and to run as fast as she could. If she told you her H was leavnig for the reasons your H gives you - you would tell her hes full of sh!t. Easy to say until you're in the shoes though.
Sandi - as always, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to come back and explain the same thing to me 10 different ways. Yes the OW thing is an obsession for me. I am getting better at being LESS bothered by it but it eats me away to feel so REPLACED. The other thing is I am so pushed to get this AHA moment of I caught you because last time he hid it for months and then TRIEd to act like it just happened, I know it doesn't matter but my thought is you aren't going to lie and say it just happened again and that it wasn't WHY you left. BUT YES all of this is a mute point - CHECK.
Ya my dad said something similar, he said you can't see what I see but I know there is someone else. Men don't just up and decide to leave their families unless they're chasing something that they THINK is better. He wouldn't be leaving unless he had something he thought was a better option on the other end of the table. he said he can deny it all he wants, but we all know how this story went last time.
Ugh, makes me sick to think of him remarried or having another child, but what will be will be I suppose.
As far as the other night I was sitting on the couch because *I* wanted to. Yes I have a TV in my room but I didn't want to retreat to my room. I wanted to sit there with the baby and watch what was on. When I was done eating I went to my room because I wanted to. I said a few things to him because I wanted to not with expectations and when he was short I stopped talking sat there watched TV talked to the baby and got up when I was ready, not because I was agitated he was being a d!ck (what's new anyway).
Last night I got home and gave him the baby. I sat in my bathroom listening to music and let the baby cry with him for 30-45 minutes. I got my hair cut and colored also. I came out when I was ready. Bbay was still crying, I didn't offer to take him I went to the boys room and hung out with them. I went to my room when I was ready and he brought me the baby. I shut my door after he walked out even though it was only 9pm and we didn't exchange any words. Yes Im civil in front of the kids, but I am not your friend. I'm either your wife or just the mother of your children. I am not your buddy. I can be right in front of the kids but I don't need to talk to you or chat unless I want to which last night I didn't feel like it so I didn't. If that makes me cold and a bitch and someone thats unattractive to him then I guess that's what it will be. I don't know how to strike that balance just yet of detaching and still being that attractive person because I need to be free of him and away from him to help ME. Being around him brings me down and reminds of me why is this happening to my life so by me not interacting or participating in his life it helps to try and forget.
I struggle with if I do this then maybe he will see. But like my dad said, he didn't have the conversation wtih H to snap him out of it. He had it for him not for H. He needed toget the last 4 months of feelings off his chest. He said he didn't expect H to slap his forehead and say you know what HES RIGHT, what am I doing?? He said that will come, but not right now and not for awhile. He needs to hit rock bottom again.
DTR feels so hard, so hard to let go. I am getting there. I am better than yesterday, better than last week. Yes I;ll have some hang ups but I am putting a lot of effort to do so. I'm putting effort forth to essentially do nothing!
Whew - that was long, hope you guys are still with me! It was my first time responding on the computer so it's easier for me to try and address everyone, if I missed somebody I apologize, I do appreciate each and every one of you and your input, good or bad, 2x4 or hugs haha
