I guess I struggle with the fantasy I have in my head about W.
That's okay. As long as you're working with your IC and on your own time to replace the fantasy with the reality.
You don't need a female to redeem you, Thornton. You are worthy all on your own.
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I think back to all the times she was there for me. All the times she made me feel loved. Was all of that a facade? Fake?
Clearly W has issues. Does that mean what we had wasn't genuine?
Since we have similarities, I wanted you to know I went through this same thought process.
It wasn't a facade. It wasn't fake. It was genuine.
However, you are two different people with two different experiences. You both have your own issues, and it appears that W has significant issues with closeness, trust, and being vulnerable to someone. The same things that you want to achieve to bring you comfort are things that scare her due to her issues. You want more closeness and more security, and she reaches a point where those things are developing and suddenly she needs to get away from it.
Does that make sense?
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I'm trying to view W from a more honest lens. But it hurts to see her this way because it makes me feel like maybe the last 7 years were all fake.
They weren't fake. It's just that W has work to do before she can be a partner to anyone.
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Maybe I'm just an optimist and I try to see the good in people. More likely, I'm codependant and I tried to help fix W into becoming someone she's not?
It could be both, but definitely the latter. You chose a very flawed person to pour your effort into. You were hoping to fix her and her life so that she'd appreciate you, and you could find value in yourself through her eyes. And that's the unhealthy part.
I want you to know that you are whole and worthy and deserving of love no matter your relationship status. And I want you to choose someone you don't have to fix, who is whole and worthy all on her own. Maybe W will get there someday, or maybe you'll meet someone new.
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all of this time apart really has given me the opportunity to think about things and see them from different perspectives.
You're processing and trying to draw conclusions on something that is ultimately unknowable, because you're not her.
But I think spending all this time thinking about her and what it all meant is taking away from your GAL focus: you.
Everytime you find yourself wondering, stop and remind yourself: I deserve better. W has her issues and they are hers to fix (or to choose not to fix). I can't help her and I don't want to help her, because I deserve to be treated better than how she's treated me.
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But the truth is something is broken and there's nothing I can do to fix it except work on myself and leave her to work on her stuff.
And becoming open to the idea that once you're healed, you may not want W again. I'd like to see you looking forward to that day when you can imagine a future without her. It doesn't mean she can't be a part of it if she's been working hard on herself, but that you're open to finding something that is worth your love and effort.
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It just seems like so many of these issues could be easily resolved.
I don't agree with that at all. Many of the surface issues could be resolved, but the drivers for them run very deep. W would have to want to confront some very dark places in herself, and she may not want to do that. You can't control her choices. All you can do is allow her to experience the negative consequences of her choices, knowing that you are doing it out of love. You want her to get better, but she's got to hit a rock bottom to want to get better. You're going to be actively fighting off your rescuing impulses, which will be a challenge for you.
