Here again part 10

[sandi2]

Ugh! Lost my post so will have to start over. I really do believe DTR is the best choice for you. I say, "choice" b/c it is a free decision you are making to walk forward, rather than remaining stuck in this mirey clay pit. It is extremely important that you work on your mental attitude and see this as a healthy step forward. You are going to make the biggest 180 ever! I'm going to be here, along with these other good folks, to help guide and support you.

T, your success will mostly depend upon your mindset. I realize your are at an all time low and all you can focus on is the status of your M. That's normal. It takes real effort to turn your face and stop watching your wayward H to see what he's doing, where he's going, and who is with him. I strongly encourage you to stop checking up on him. It only hurts you.

Also on the OW topic. I'm not convinced it's physical. That's my wavering on the boundary

Are you trying to get confirmation that it has gone physical? Now don't get mad at me for saying this........why do you need the evidence right now? At first, you wavered on whether or now there was a OW in the picture. Now, it's whether or now they have been physical. Would this make a difference in child custody, or divorce? IDK, and I would refer you to legal advice. I'm here just to help with the rest.

I don't see how it's healthy for you to be checking on him. How can a woman's ego not feel battered and bring anger, when she is looking at this stuff? For now, my suggestion is to lay that aside. I can't remember your boundary, but I think you pulling the plug hinged on there being an OW. Now, it hinges on the physical act of sex. Unless you need to get things moving to protect yourself financially & legally, then don't put that extra pressure on yourself. Again, please get legal advice.

My dad said there is someone else no doubt in his mind. He said there are chemical changes in the brain (as people have done research on) and that no man leaves his family with a newborn unless he thinks he has a better option.

Men can read other males, just like we women can read females. The women in my family "knew" when my ex DIL had an OM in her life. Her H didn't have a clue, but we knew.

I know THIS M is over but is he a lost cause? Is my hoping he will snap out of this a lost cause?

Yes, for now. You know how we put sentimental, but precious, items in a box to keep? We know it's there in that box, but we don't pull it out every day to exam. Until you get stronger, I'm asking you to try real hard to apply this to your stitch. It may sound ludicrous to you, but just try. Letting go of that rope, means that you don't give it power over your life. That much, you can control.

I hesitate in using the phrase, "snap out of it", b/c it gives the impression of a quick action. If he comes to his senses, I don't think it will be fast. It will be more like something that slowly seeps into his brain. I think your dad nailed it pretty close. By the time your H realizes what he's done, who knows where his stitch will stand. He could have another child by then, or be remarried. Those are barriers that get thrown in the road back home. In the meantime, let him go, b/c he is gone. No amount of loving is going to pull him out of the place he currently occupies.

I got home ate dinner on the couch watching TV where he was then retired to my room. My interaction wasn't someone that dropped the rope - I know.

You handled it well. It's about attitude. Were you sitting there "with him" and watching tv "with him"? Were you doing this b/c you wanted to be near him? Do you have tv in your bedroom?

Sandi I am in agreeement to do this if it's the only thing that will help me to stop crying and feeling the way I do when I'm alone... I will if it's the only thing you think can give me the possibility of this not being my life forever. If this can help him realize what he's doing or what he's losing.

I take this very seriously, T. Yes, I really believe it is the lifesaver you need to grab. In order for DTR to be successful, you have to come to terms with something...........that it is what's best for you at this time in your life. Do it for you. Don't do it to get his eyes opened. The reason I say this is b/c you must break away from that mindset of doing some action to snap him out of it. You must stop worrying about what he thinks of your actions. Why? B/c it makes you a slave to that mindset, and it prevents you from attaining peace and happiness. DTR on the mindset you currently have, may feel like physical therapy.......but you will get better!

I'll start another post.