I finally dug deep last night with my IC on my abandonment issues and my awful feelings of guilt and like I am getting what I deserve. We also dug into my need to see how much emotional pain I can handle. I expose myself to things that hurt, like ex's and their new partners to see if it hurts. It's a test to see how strong I am. It was pretty emotional yesterday.
Then I headed out to volleyball. It was 4 on 6 and we were getting killed but having the best time. I go up for my shot of the game, nailed the ball, made the point, and came down and my knee did this godawful pop thing. The one good body part I haven't injured in my knee. Well, to make a long story short, I eventually ended up in the ER and I am now on crutches, I can't bear weight and I probably tore something.
Aside from the pain, my mobility issues, not even knowing how I am going to get stuff done like grocery shopping, I just finally cried this morning. I love playing volleyball, I love exercise. It's what keeps me sane. With it taken away from me, I am so sad. I have tears as I type this.
The good news? My teammates are freakin' awesome. There are 2 guys who are roommates who I hung out with last week and this week. They practically carried me over to the bar and we really got to know eachother. The guy who runs the leagues bought me 2 drinks and we were talking. He's the nicest, very good looking guy. And married! Boy if he wasn't married..... and if the one of my teammates wasn't 26, well.... There is definitely a flirtation between us, but all innocent.
I decide to take myself to the hospital and the doctor was totally flirting with me. he was the same age as me. He even held my hand to take me to the bathroom. It is nice to be flirted with.
Which brings me to..... OLD. There was this guy who simply liked me so I went to his profile. It was the worst profile if it was true. I couldn't tell if it was sarcastic, but it was a whole bunch of "don'ts" so I decided to give him my unsolicited advice. He actually emailed me back telling me he was impressed with what I said and that I was the only woman to see through his profile. No one paid attention to his real nice guy personality profile and he had some bad dates from the ones who did. When he became and dick, the same women who did not respond to his emails, were flooding his inbox. Long story short, we have been emailing back and forth. D'd for 7 years, one stepdaughter, one daughter, same view on more kids.... I hope he finally asks me out.
And, I don't know how to work instagram. I just realized this weekend that FF unfollowed me. I am following him, but he unfollowed me somewhere along the line. He really wants to forget me, and I respect that, although it hurts. After listening to my cousin recounting her affair with a much older married man who claims to love both her and his wife, (she is married too, but does not love her H) and seeing her desperation in trying to keep him when she knows this is going to end for sure, I remind myself how strong I am by letting this one go and not prolonging pain.
And that's that. I'm hoping things go up from here.
