ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next 2

[Coconut]

Wow, the waywardness mind never ceases to amaze me. Do your fair share of finances, but no more. Validate his feelings, but set your boundary regarding not talking about OW, next time he mentions her just say that you will not discuss OW, and end the conversation.

Also, don't generally have long conversations with him, cut conversations short, listen to what he has to say, but when he expects you to provide input or responses, try and end the conversation.

[SJW]

I didn't speak to him in the end as he bumped into one of our best friends this morning and she rang me in tears. She said that she didn't recognise him, couldn't believe what he was saying although it was nothing that I didn't already know and basically he is delusional, she was very upset. I was taking the kids to see family and although he had been invited and the kids were asking him to come he told them he had to work so we came on our own. The kids missed him, I felt awkward and upset so made my excuses and left to go to my Mum's house on my own until everyone came back, my brother took my S home with him and Mum and Dad brought my DO back here later. DO had been sick on the way back and I text H to let him know, no reply, guess he wasn't at work then. On the plus side she's sleeping soundly now right next to me.

Another friend sent me a quote by text tonight out of the blue that read

'To be a good mother whilst my heart was breaking was one of the hardest roles I've ever had to play' she signed off with 'You're doing a grand job' really put it into perspective :-)

[SJW]

Having a tough time today. I said to my friends last night it's like my H has died but physically he is still here. He isn't the person I married or spent so many years with. He isn't even the same Daddy to our kids as he was, it's like he doesn't want to be around them. He is stressed and short tempered not the laid back fantastic Daddy he was it's so sad.

He is back tomorrow night for my S's end of school play which will be tough on it's own but sitting there as a couple knowing he is going to go back to his new life after is an awful feeling.

Thursday we are going to a funeral together quite a distance away and I am driving us and he wants to talk about money and what he is going to say the kids this weekend. I am dreading it as all his family will be drinking and telling him how wrong he is and that will just fuel his fire.

I know this is a marathon not a sprint but he is sprinting ahead and whilst I'm really trying to be upbeat in his company I'm finding it incredibly difficult. The fear of this weekend and how my kids are going to react is all consuming.

I was tired last night as DO had been sick the night before and I hadn't really slept and H was really grumpy I just couldn't be upbeat. The kids went to bed and he was going to stay for a bit I asked him what for and he said OK I'll go then as if this is all my fault. Then he text me to let me know he was back, why?

Just opened a drawer to get my S's medical card out and on top was my Valentines card from him telling me how much he loved me. 4 months before BD, how can things change so quickly.

[SJW]

Thanks Coconut. The problem is that everything for him is about OW so taking the advice I would better not talking to him at all.

[Coconut]

Thanks Coconut. The problem is that everything for him is about OW so taking the advice I would better not talking to him at all.

Ok, if he won't stop talking about her, why would you want to talk to him anyway?

As for the funeral, why drive with him? He's an adult, he can find his own way there... You don't need to act like a M couple, your not Mrs. WH, your a independent, strong woman, SJW. If you want to sit next to him at sons function for son, then fine, you can step away if needed... But it's a really bad idea to get stuck in a car with him for hours.

[Coconut]

And please don't tell me you need to drive with him because HE wants to talk, you can talk on your terms, you don't need to do it on his terms.

[SJW]

I suggested I drive us so I he could talk for me just as much as him. My intention was to ask him what his plans were, to say I don't want to hear about OW, what are your plans once you have told the kids? I am trying to protect my children and want him to think beyond telling them what life is going to be like, his and theirs. I feel that he sees it as another tick in the box that he has moved on not the actual impact this will have on their little lives. Does that make sense?

On the other hand I get what you're saying about driving together like a M couple and that suits him when it suits. The problem is we don't get any opportunity to talk as the kids are always around or in bed and I don't believe this and their future is a hushed time limited conversation?

[SJW]

DO asked me this afternoon, what are we doing in the summer holidays, are you and Daddy off and where are we going on holiday this year. I hate this. Told her Daddy has 3 weeks off and so will Mummy this year. We will see friends and Grandma but we haven't decided where we are going on holiday. S then says next year or the year after when Daddy gets out of the army we're going to Disney World (to my DO).

I know I can do that with them but it just shatters me when they talk about us as a family and he thinks that they'll be fine with this.

[SJW]

I'm now considering letting him come home just until S settles at high school and that way the kids get the summer holidays as a family and I won't be working and he can then see the changes I am making. He's not here every night because of work and weekends he also sometimes works. I know everyone thought kicking him out was the right thing to do but I'm thinking about what's best for the kids as I was before I kicked him out. The mistake I made was allowing him to talk about OW, yes I will know he is still seeing her but I won't allow him to rub my nose in it, the subject will be banned. I know there will never be a good time for the kids but S has this massive change going to high school, he is going to a school where not one of his friends is going and although I know he'll be fine I just don't want him dealing with this at the same time.

On the other hand if he tells them this weekend, he has to deal with the consequences of that and S gets the whole of the summer to get used to it with Mummy at home.

Am I thinking for them or for me? If there is even a shred of turning this around I really don't want them knowing yet. However he is not the man I married he is an alien so answering my own question there almost definitely isn't even a shred of hope.

[Coconut]

It's your decision, but I would just like to point out a few things:

1. is it better for kids to know, and know why dad isn't around, or is it better for them not to know and wonder why dad isn't around? (just because he lives there doesn't mean his going to be involved with you and family, his focus is on OW)

2. You said it yourself, he looks aweful, is stressed all the time, and is feeling the consequences of his actions. Do you think that allowing him to go back home and remove some of the stress is going to get you closer to your goal?

3. Do you think you are going to be able to GAL, Detach and become your own person better with him around? If not, then you are setting yourself backwards on this path by asking him to move back.

4. I just think it's an all around better idea for you to tell the kids and keep him away. Like you said, the kids will have time to get used to the idea, they will have time to see that life is still great living with mom, and will be able to adjust to the new "seeing dad" schedule before school starts.