Maybell 41: The Saga Continues

[Maybell]

Little update because I've had an interesting week or so.

First: My Guy and I went away for a week of vacation (kids were with their dad visiting his family) and had a WONDERFUL time. It was lovely. Kind of like a mini-marriage in some ways. I keep watching for red flags and although he's not perfect, I feel like he really is who he looks like. I'm not ready to move in or get married at this time, but I am very happy with him and I hope we stay that way. I haven't had a relationship like this before and I like it.

Second: Today is the 4th anniversary of D-Day (#1) and... I didn't notice it till the end of the day, when I saw an old Facebook post I wrote that day about running my fastest training run ever, and how proud I was of it. Three hours after that post I learned of Mr. Fantastic's six month affair and I never ran that fast again -- my collapsing marriage was a literal weight on my heart that sometimes made it hard to breathe or walk, let alone run. And yet that year I ran my first ever half-marathon. And now, here I am -- in love with someone who treats me how I've always wanted to be treated, who loves me back, who is becoming a partner in my parenting, who supports me in my (really tough) career, who shares his needs with me -- and I feel so blessed. So often I have looked back at the first half of 2013 and reflected on how the hammer was about to fall on me, remembering the gloss I put on our life in all its chaos during those years, I felt sad for myself and my kids. Today I feel light. Like it was the first day of my real life.

I worry that My Guy and I will break up at some point, that long-term relationships are mostly doomed, that I met him too easily and too promptly and that something will interfere with our permanence. But even if that happens, I still know what a good relationship feels like, and I won't be willing to put up with another Mr Fantastic again.

Third: D14 is on extended vacation and won't be back till the end of the month, so I took her slot with her therapist to talk about how she's doing, how I can support her as she keeps growing out of the chaos and violence that marked her early years, and what our plans are for future treatment. She's doing really well. Our relationship may never look quite like what i envisioned for us but it is becoming something enjoyable and for this I am enormously grateful. (BTW, this is another thing I can credit to My Guy, since he witnessed a lot of her behavior, made some suggestions on what might underlay it, validated my feelings and found the right therapist who is finally actually doing some good after my seeking help for 8 years). It's looking like we're going to keep the therapy going on current plan for the time being, get her a couple of months into high school, and then evaluate if she's ready to drop down to every other week. I don't believe this improvement would have been possible if her dad and I had stayed married. I was seriously concerned about her taking up drugs or alcohol or other self-destructive behaviors before he left. Even when she was little her rages were scary enough to make me fear for her future. I'm starting to feel a lot more confident in her now. I feel like I can finally see her a little more clearly.

I should say a word about my boys, since they seem to get so little press around here. I think the most i can say is that they've both (now 11 and 9) sprouted up in both size and maturity, and it makes me a little sad. They've both got their challenges, but they're pretty much normal growing kid challenges, not as scary (at the moment) as D14's have been. I'm very proud of both of them. They're totally different from each other, and growing more different as they get older but still very close. It's interesting to see how they alternate leadership between themselves, depending on whose strengths are more effective in a given situation. They were always my babies, but they're DEFINITELY not my babies any more. S11 did two consecutive weeks of sleep away camp and then spent a week wth his dad on vacation. Self-sufficiency has been a big struggle for him, so I was glad he had all that time where he had to be a little more responsible for himself. It's a work in progress, for sure, but I can see progress and that's pretty cool. "The Boys" have always been grouped as a pair, and partly because of their close ages, and partly because they are just close friends, aside from school their time has rarely been spent apart. This year they're quite separated, and especially while S11 was away, S9 had to figure out how to keep track of himself and not rely on his big brother to help him out. He's risen to the challenge beautifully, and with a lot of pride. It's fun to see, and I'm looking forward to keeping that up as much as possible so he can blossom into himself. He's a lot of fun to be around and it's been nice to get more one-on-one time with him these last few weeks.

Is there anything else? I still am struggling with my career, and there are lots of days I wish I could just win the lottery and retire, but since I haven't actually bought a ticket yet there must be something I think I can accomplish here that I'm not willing to give up on yet. I will say that in this career you have to have some seriously strong mental health, and perhaps the reason I stick around is that I appreciate how much I've grown in that area in the last year. (Another area where My Guy has been an enormous blessing...)

I think I've rambled on enough. It is tough to see so many people struggling and I wish everyone could get into the light as fully as I feel like I have. Life isn't easy but it is so worth it.