Without taking ANY OTHER FACTOR whatsoever into account. Without dissecting all the ifs, what ifs, and maybes,
Is what you KNOW FIRSTHAND of how he is treating you ACCEPTABLE to you?
If it is not, then nothing else matters, Nothing about how he feels or why he feels or anything he says matters. If you don't like how you are being treated, for yourself, then what else is there to talk about?
Put it another way. If you knew for certain that he was living like a monk in a back room somewhere, but everything else was the same -- how he talks to you, how little he respects you, how unhelpful he is, his willingness to blame you for his feelings without considering his responsibility for yours, etc. -- would that be tolerable to you?
Can you respect someone who you believe will leave you and your very young children financially destitute for petty reasons that you can't even articulate? Do you want to trust your family to someone who could be that selfish and cruel?
If the answer is no, then dissecting other women is just a procrastination tactic for doing what you know you need to do to protect yourself and your children.
I'm sorry for the 2x4, T, But the single most helpful thing I heard when I was where you are now is: KNOW YOUR WORTH.
Every person who has read your story, and ESPECIALLY those of us who've been with you from the beginning, is VERY clear on your worth. I rate it super high. You are an amazing woman who has taken on incredible challenges and you make it sound easy. You've done stuff that would be demanding in a happy, supportive marriage and made it look like a sideshow while you're dealing with Mr. Snowflake. I bow to that. Never once have you whined about that at all. You are an amazing mom, too. You've done everything you can to keep your children in a loving, safe environment, you don't slack off on their care even when other obligations get in the way, you've kept their activities up and everything else even when you're this overwhelmed. You're amazing. Don't you deserve at least to be amazing without your "partner" throwing obstacles in your path? Imagine how you'd shine then!!
I know it hurts like a mother, and it's hard not to give his complaints credibility because you've worked so hard to save the marriage. You're in the dark of the tunnel right now. Keep moving forward. Have faith that there's not only light at the end, but a beautiful rainbow waiting for you too. Knowing your worth is fuel for your tank. Once you've got that clear in your head the rest of it will come a lot easier. Instead of wondering what the status is of all his other flirtations (and don't assume he's limiting himself to just one) invest some time getting acquainted with your own Worth. It will be time much, much better spent.
(((((T384))))) I'm so proud of you. You will get there.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
