I think trying to lame blame at who's at fault for the D to your kids are a bad idea. I don't think they will have as much of a reaction as you think they will, it seems like in most cases they just listen to what is said and then move on... But I wouldn't try and add more for them to think about than necessary, the M is between you and W, not the kids.
However, if she decides to try and throw you under the bus, then I think it would be prudent to clarify any errors she may lay out to them. but it doesn't seem like WW try and hurt the R between the Father and child.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
In the end, from a practical perspective, it really does not matter who is to blame, especially for the kids. I understand the compulsion to make sure the kids know that you are not the one choosing to put them through this, but not only will that information not help your kids, it will hurt them in the end. I was the child of divorce and after a couple of years, all I cared about was that my parents were happy and that they loved me. Someday, when they are adults, and if they ask you, tell them the truth, but for now my in my experience, nothing good will come from such a conversation.
I spoke to a family therapist about what to say to the kids and she *strongly* recommended against placing blame. She said the best thing you can do for your kids is present it as a course of action you've both agreed to, that it's not their fault and more importantly there's nothing they can do about it.
She said the conversation you have with them when they're 27 is much different than the one you have at 7, when it needs to be all about them.
I asked about the honesty argument and her response was if you want to go that way start by explaining there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy and see how that honesty feels.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Per our child psychologist - the goal of every parent is to reassure the kids that they are loved by both parents
and stress what parts of their lives will Not differ, while admitting some parts will be different.
In other words, are they going to live in the same area, stay in the house for the next year or so, attend the same school or see their same friends/extended family?
Stress ^^that.
As for what will change, tell them how it'll be dealt with. "Mom will be here but I'll have my own place you will visit and I will be here every Wednesday night and ..."
per my psychologist the details the kids want, need explaining. (Age dependent). Don't be vague about things if the kids ask,
and of course, keep your word.
((( )))
PS
and that none of this is the kids' fault!!
Last edited by Cadet; 07/19/1706:23 PM. Reason: Combine posts
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I appreciate everyone's feedback on how my W and I should tell our son about the divorce. Sometimes I feel like she's getting off too easy considering that she initiated the divorce and is having an EA. I'll say this until I'm blue in the face, I know I've messed up and contributed to our failed marriage. I've said this to my W on a few occasions during our counseling sessions, but she has yet to acknowledge her shortcomings and the EA.
I have to vent, but this is so damn hard! I'm detaching, GALing, and spending my free time with my boy. Yet, it's so sad to deal with the pain and the inevitable pain that my son is going to experience when his Daddy isn't there to wake him up in the morning for school or to tuck him into bed. I know I'll get at least 50% custody, but it won't be the same. I already miss my family and it kills me to think about it. I can barley work and the sadness is almost too much to bear sometimes. I keep a positive and optimistic appearance around my W and son, but the play acting is wearing on me. Thanks for reading.
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
We told our children 3 weeks ago both D's 8 and 6. We sat them down on the couch and my W initiated the conversation. Even though this has been all of her idea I had to act as though it was a mutual decision. You just have re-assure them how much you love them, will always be there for them and do everything possible to keep their routines the same. The 6 yr old took it harder than the 8 year old however so far they seem to be doing ok. Unfortunately at this time you have to put your personal feelings aside for sake of your children.
Teppo: I wonder if it would be easier for you to look at her role as a mom. Has she been there for your son? is she a good mom? If the answer is anything besides: no she has been physically and emotionally violent with him that you can easily separate seeing her as your W would perhaps did some bad stuff but that role is different from her role as a mom.
I get the fear of "getting off too easy" but what is the purpose of giving her a harder time? What will YOU gain from it?
Believe me she's not going to get off easy. I've been divorced for 3+ years and ExW has definitely had it harder than I have by a long shot. When I did eventually detach (it just happened) she noticed and didn't like it at all. I think she believed that she'd continue having the benefit of my friendship but wouldn't have to own anything she did.
Teppo your W will definitely not get off easy, and I guarantee you she's suffering much worse already than she's showing you. You're the last person she'll show that to.
In terms of the kids, I also feared it would be a catastrophically bad change in their lives. I don't know anyone whose parents divorced who was or is happy about it. That said, if you met my kids now you wouldn't know anything had happened, they are 100% fine and happy. I have 50% custody.
The best thing I think exW and I did for them is to have a very amicable divorce, which allowed us to keep goodwill with each other. I really think that paid off in spades where the kids were concerned.
When it comes to dividing things up and working out your parenting arrangements, if you can do it together at home and then just get lawyers to formalize it, that's the way to go by far.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I'm really having a tough time accepting what's happening and how the woman I fell in love with, who bore my child, resents me so much. I know this sounds like a cliche, but I don't recognize her anymore. I live with a stranger! She's alienated my family, no surprise, but also our friends who haven't bought into "her side of the story". In short, she's placed everyone who disagrees with her on her sh!t list. I'm talking about people we've known for years. I just shake my head at the insanity. I know I'm responsible for our failures, but I refuse to accept 100% of the blame.
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
Your W sounds exactly like mine. My W made it a point to burn her bridges with my family early in the sitch. I'm sure in her mind even if she wanted to come back to the MR, it would difficult trying to work things out with my parents or siblings. And that feeling of living with a stranger is very true. Now the funny part of the friends who don't buy into the lies. Always happen to be the closest friends who care the most. When that fogs wears off the WS will seriously regret losing those friends as much as losing the spouse.
