Betrayed Spouse - Round 2

[dale165]

Thanks Kaizen, we were in a group of her family so I didn't want to make it awkward but I didn't think much of it as I used too.

And yes that's all I could come up with as well. Patience has never been a strong suit of mine but I am surprising myself and working on it. I do believe you are right. I believe you told me awhile back not to go on that trip as well. I listened but talked myself out of it soon after. But now days I am thinking clearer and I did cancel it. It was supposed to be next weekend. I basically told her it would be inappropriate to get feelings mixed up while she's still doing her thing.

[WshIKnw]

I'd say keep doing what you're doing. Usually, I find that if you don't have a clear direction, that it's best to not make any drastic moves - the path will unfold before you.

I agree with Kaizen on this point. I also say to keep doing what you are doing, because it seems to be working. And I get the feeling that you can have your wife back if you want her. You have to decide for yourself whether you do. If you want motivation to take her back, just think about all the good times you've had with her and think about her good qualities, and all the good things she's done for you. When I compared how my wife was for the ~10 years that I was with her, before she did what she did, to the bad things that she did recently over those 4 or 5 bad months, the good far outweighed the bad, to me. That's a testament to how good she was.. It was my reason for wanting her back. I see so many similarities in your latest update, with how my wife has acted.

[AnotherStander]

We go outside and stare at each other for a second and she says "Dale what do you want to do about us?". I say you already know what I want. This time I take a page from TXs handbook and lay down some boundaries. I realized that my boundaries were implicit before hand.

Why are you laying down boundaries for recon when all she asked was what you want to do? You should have just said "you know what I want, now tell me what YOU want." That would have been a great opportunity to LISTEN and VALIDATE. Instead you made it all about what YOU want, which she ALREADY KNOWS. First she needs to express a desire to recon, THEN you can establish boundaries.

She then said I can get any woman I want and asked why would I ever take her back because she's a piece of crap. Don't remember my exact reply but I said something to the tune of she's my wife and I love the person she used to be.

Next time try "You are right, and I am open to the possibility that I will move on and find someone else." Make her think she may lose you.

She then said if we R she is going to be hyper critical of me.

Wow, she's putting you on notice that she's going to be a B**** to you? I think I would have said "then you're not ready to recon. When you feel you can come back to this R with love in your heart then we can talk about recon then."

She also tried to tell me I ruined her R with her dad because her dad still wont acknowledge her. I just said I told him the truth, nothing more nothing less.

It's tempting to assign the blame to her, but that's a situation where validation rules the day- "it sounds like you are upset because you feel I did something to drive a wedge between you and your dad, I am sorry I made you feel that way." Note that you are not accepting blame, you are merely acknowledging her feelings.

So Im writing this mainly because I'm stuck.

Why? What did this change? Nothing, continue on your previous course.

she said she hasn't bathed in 3 days and all she does is sleep.

Wow. Sounds like some depression going on there.

I been doing so great with GAL, meeting new people including women, and just extremely proud of myself. Im 30 years old, no kids and starting to wonder if this is even worth it. I been lied to 100s of times, insulted a lot, and just plain crapped on. I can see a turning point is near, good or bad. Needing some inspiration to keep going.

Brother, you should be your own inspiration You've been GALing, enjoying yourself, finding yourself, moving on and detaching. THAT is EXACTLY what you should keep doing.

Ideally, I want to R with W and continue marriage as Im pro marriage.

She's not ready yet. Read TXHubby's thread, your W needs to get to that same point where she greatly humbles herself before you should even think about recon.

[dale165]

Thanks Wsh, I appreciate you stopping by! I wouldn't go as far as to say I can have her back. I would say its 50/50 right now. Her hot and cold has leveled off quite a bit and she is saying a divorce is scaring her a lot. I can see that she is now thinking about the reality of the situation vs being gung ho about her OM and divorcing me in the beginning. She isn't remorseful yet but I think its coming.

Also, I don't think I'm opposed to R with W. I guess after I'm finally getting some confidence back and a clear head, thinking about all that damage is starting to bother me. Very frustrating. Her taking a year away from me angers me a bit.

I'm willing to hang on a little bit more though. Our W anniversary is 9/18 and they are supposed to go on a 7 day cruise then. I'm internalizing that as my deadline. I think if they go on that I'll be done. I wont tell her this though. Pressure is bad, especially with her.

[WshIKnw]

You know better than we do, Dale, when it comes to the core stuff that you "just know". Trust yourself.

She took a year away from you. But has good come from that year? Is there a silver lining?

I get you, though, because I've had similar thoughts to what you are having.

[dale165]

Thanks for pointing out some of the flaws in my approach Anotherstander! We did briefly talk about R. Maybe the boundaries was at a bad time but I've been a doormat all this time. Huge doormat. Gigantic doormat. Just trying to show her that I wont be used as a punching bag anymore.

As far as being hyper critical of me, she said she thinks this bc she says we are different people and other pessimistic stuff. She says she thinks she is going to critique my every move going forward. I tried to validate that by saying something simple like this wont be easy for us in the beginning, I understand.

As far as being stuck, I guess the GAL is getting to me. For example, I come home one day after something fun. Then I say to myself, I'm doing so good, this other nonsense is dragging me down. Why do I need it.

Also, no one has really responded to this but Ill say it again. Maybe its tasteless but Ill say it anyway. One year of no sex, attention, and women starting to notice me is getting to me. Its not a huge concern but I cant say it wont be in the future.

[Holding]

Also, no one has really responded to this but Ill say it again. Maybe its tasteless but Ill say it anyway. One year of no sex, attention, and women starting to notice me is getting to me. Its not a huge concern but I cant say it wont be in the future.

Good for you! It's too soon to start seriously considering someone else. But being noticed can help rebuild your confidence, and help you think more objectively about your W and what you want.

[dale165]

Yeah holding you are right, just needed to hear it again! Each step in this has its own unique difficulties!

[dale165]

Hi DB people. I forgot to ask this in my latest update but it's becoming a common theme with my GAL. I'm seeing more old friends and people in general I know out at bday parties, dinners, etc. Everyone is asking where is W. Some even asks if I'm single again because they never see her. Some has even seen her OM on facebook with their pics. Do I say we are taking a break? Ive lied about a 100 times but some see right through my lies. Trying to keep W image somewhat descent in the event of R.

I canceled our trip this weekend and she asked me again about somewhere differnt so we compromised and we are going eat at our place and dancing. I'm terrible at dancing and she's obsessed with it. One of complaints of me not wanting to try anything so while I'm in GAL mode, what the heck. I think I'm at a good place where if she blows me off I'll be fine. Used to it now anyways.

[Tread]

Dale,

As for your friends asking about your W, just tell them the truth if they ask. Especially if their seeing pictures of her on FB with OM. Lying makes you look foolish, especially if people are already talking. My question for you is why are you making plans with W if OM is in the picture?