Thank you for that bit of advice Gordie. It is helpful.
I recently finished a book that I found very helpful. Very helpful. What I enjoyed about this book was the fact that it explained the psychology behind the things H and I were/are doing. It isn't just a how to handle the situation; it contained answers to the question of why the situation was happening.
As hard as it was to read some of the things, it was hugely helpful. I don't know why, but I find that if I can understand "why," the "what do I do about it" becomes much much easier to understand and to follow through. (I am certainly not saying it is all very simple, because it's not.)
I find myself having so much regret over how I handled things with H. Regret, remorse, and sorrow. I am so very sorry for the way I handled things. I wish I knew then, what I know now. How things could have been different.
I have to accept that we are where we are and there is nothing I can do about it. I can only move forward and strive to be better. It is too late to save our marriage and I hate that I co-piloted it into the ditch.
One of the things I very clearly understand now is why H blames the marriage. In a way, I did it too by blaming him for our relational problems. The way I saw it is this: I wasn't having any of these type of relational problems with anyone else in my life. Only him. So I assumed it was all him. I took myself out of the equation. Perhaps he is doing that too?
He has said otherwise. He verbally has said he is responsible for doing things that were detrimental to the relationship. However, he has never elaborated and when pressed, changes the subject or tries to start a fight about something else. I never seem to get to the bottom of it. It is such a shallow admission of responsibility that I cannot accept it was being sincere. For whatever reason, he just cannot go there.
Over the weekend we had a disagreement about some yard work. On Saturday, out of the blue, he tells me that some tree trimmers would be coming by on Sunday to trim a bunch of trees. This is the first I have heard about it. I asked him why he didn't tell me about it sooner. He said he did. First he said he brought it up last week, then said, oh I told you two weeks ago. Um, no. Then he said, well, I'm paying for it so what difference does it make. He completely missed the point. So I dropped it. What's the use.
Well, the issue was stuck in my craw. So I brought it up, but I think in a nice way. I asked him what he understood my issue to be with the tree trimming. He said it was two things, the first being the money, and the second being whether it needed to be done.
Ugh! He actually asked me if this was correct and I said not exactly. I told him it was the lack of communication. I was disappointed that he had made plans to do this to the house, our house, and I wasn't part of the conversation. It had nothing to do with the money, it had nothing to do with whether I thought it needed to be done. It was the fact that he made a unilateral decision to do something to the house and I didn't find out about it until the day before. There was no discussion. No inclusion. No talk of "hey, I think this needs to be done so I'm going to do pay for it and have it done."
I'm not sure if he really understood.
I wanted to add why it bothered me, but that is probably too much "relationship" type discussion for us. And I don't feel comfortable getting that vulernable with him. He isn't safe, I don't trust him.
But maybe I can tell all of you to get it off my chest. I was upset because I felt left out. Which is really a glimpse into how I feel about his emotional life. I feel left out. He has had all these thoughts and feelings that I have no clue about.
Looking back with what I now know, I can see that not understanding his feelings and emotions caused me to interpret his actions in a negative way. My stuff, my issues, interpreted his actions.
I have never been sure I have known what he was feeling or thinking. And sometimes when I would press I would get answers that seemed incongruent with his actions. I have really felt that either he doesn't know what he feels or he is covering them up.
