Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #4

[25yearsmlc]

Cali

please answer the questions I asked of you (see posts in which I asked you about IC and your personality type and how you write with such opacity.)

It's harder to read your posts and get meaning from them, than is typical.

Your last post sounds SO MUCH like your first.

There has been no actual movement in your positions, even though you say you learned a lot.

Here is a quote below, from your recent post.

You wrote:


I did emotionally abuse my wife and no not on purpose, but she had her faults too that helped that alone, which at the time I didn't see.


= I did abuse/mistreat my wife - but she deserved it...

Basically now I see how she did things that affected me and I acted a certain way then in turn she acted a certain way. It was a downward spiral basically.

Cali, this^^^ is so vague & cryptic. It's why I can't say writing is your strength. I don't know what the hell you are saying BUT I do know you are still not just manning up to own your crap.

It's all mixed in with what SHE did or how "in turn" you acted a certain way.

There is poverty in the content of your speech^^^. I work to get information out of it and I can't. And it's a lot like your first posts.

The whole "California is where we must be/I want to keep my job/my house & I can't move east b/c my reasons are better/more important than her needs" speech

is almost identical to what you first said here.

What progress is there, in you? What change in position?

It's almost verbatim what you stated in your "reasoned arguments" that outweighed her needs - but back then you wanted her back & you eventually realized you should have flown out immediately, and been willing to move, and job hunt there, and rent the CA house out to live with her,

but now that she's interested in a recon, all that is out the window??? Um, okay...




I abused my wife by pulling myself away from her and being distant, because at the time it seemed like the right thing to do.

"I abused my wife....b/c it seemed like the right thing to do."

um, WTF? Why is not the "right thing" to do anymore?

Is it b/c it's unhealthy and shitty, or b/c you might lose her?



I gave her space and time to deal with things on her own and that was not a good thing. **With me being gone at least 2 weeks out of the month it made it worse and the fact that

** her 3 major Love Languages are Quality Time, Words of Affirmations and physical touch** it made it so much worse.

It used to be was all she needed was me and me loving her.

Um, maybe you showed love for her more then.

I do not believe it was ever "all she needed" - given her love languages..

When I pulled away she filled the gap with wanting to be around family and back in Virginia is the way I see it.

Well yes, Her reaction is a normal healthy response to having her needs unmet with no real end in sight.

And nothing will change for her if she rejoins you. Which is Not a recipe for success.

Cali, Stop speaking in code. That part comes across as stubbornness and a type of repressed denial.

Why not Write out 10 sentences that begin with "I FEEL..." and add an actual emotion you feel??

If you really only feel "happy" or "mad" then your life is not textured or full

and EVEN if you claim to be happy 90% of the time.

It reeks of repression. It's not the human experience. In fact, it is almost on an autistic spectrum.

My youngest brother has Aspergers and he cannot do the "I FEEL" exercise without tremendous safety guards and emotional encouragement from me and my 3 sisters and his wife.

That's 5 women supporting him to just get him to dig deep and express an emotion - not a thought. Not analysis and btw, he has a great job which he excels at.

But he wants deep emotional connections with others, and that is impossible with a limited range of emotions.

His life is so much richer and his marriage is so much deeper & more authentic now. It still takes effort on his end, but he does it.

As for the IC you insist you will not get and do not need, it's a striking form of resistance. You admit you are stubborn. Look at that, please.

What harm could there be?

You know I want you to succeed and for your wife and you to be happy & fulfilled.

The tools for that are what we are suggesting you get. It's okay to need new tools. It's not a weakness.