But the emotional temper thing is still an issue. You seem to think b/c it's mostly about OM, it's alright. It's not alright to interact the way you two do, with any conflicts and this is a loaded one.
*you were not calm or in control of yourself when there was no OM in the picture, so it's something you have to work on.*
It is not attractive to see a man who cannot remain calm. It says "I cannot control myself" and is often coupled with a man who seeks to control others, ironically. Do not confuse a hot temper with romantic passion.
So I'd want to know what you are specifically doing to address your "heated communication" issues. We can all calmly compromise when a topic is not emotional or terribly important to us. That's the easy stuff we learn in school.
But dealing with a tension filled conflicting desires/emotions and lack of certainty about outcome, is always going to happen in life.
So whatever boundary or line you create, you still need to deal with this^^^ issue.
I know you are in pain. Gosh I don't mean to hammer you about something you already regret. I'm rooting for you.
I just worry it's being sort of tossed aside as not that big a deal. A vague promise to talk to a MC about it...
Throwing/breaking things, pushing her, are significant red flags to me and continue to be.
You can't just say "if she stops seeing OM then I'll be calm" - THEN we will handle things in a way we have not before...
how's that going to happen?
I know she has issues too.
But she's not here working on the m, you are.
Keep at this.
Thanks for your concern. I agree with that. To be clear; the violence has disappeared. Me pushing her out was years ago at the start of our marriage or maybe even slightly before that. Most of the other acts of violence have been her. The worst I have done is when she comes at me screaming or with an object is grab her wrist. I have since stopped doing that. But to be clear the last time that happened was at least a year ago.
We are right now at our worst division but I am proud we haven't had an escalating fight.
I agree that the temper is an issue and I may seem dismissive because I have been able to remain calm 99% of the time. The only exception is when it explicitly involves OM. I recognize that that 1% is also not helping matters.
What I do? Is think before I speak, walk away when an argument starts, rather than think about how I can win the argument I take a step back and think about if we REALLY have a different view point.
What I meant with the MC comment is that while I am determined to not have disagreements that escalate that W still clearly has fears about it. Hopefully the MC can help us give tools and resources. Either W gets to feeling safer on her own or through counseling. My desire and intent isn't enough to control how she feels. And of course she expresses anger and resentment and says things like too little too late. Etc.
But yes I agree with you that the temper is an issue. We are both explosive people and that is just not helping things. I actually think I tend to be calmer and I have been able to be calm.
