WAS OR WHAT 10

[roist]

I recently read Michelle's book on SSM. I was initially not overwhelmed by it, but I did like how her thinking was very coherent and similar to DR. I think I didn't like how the book targeted everyone (men, women, high sex drive and low sex drive) but to cover the topic properly that is actually necessary.

Here are some key points I took away from the book. Again I emphasize that within the book they are expanded upon and put in context. Again this list is for me to refer to later.

The book emphasises the connection between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. Some things to do to improve connection include:
# put W first. She has to feel important and appreciated
# spend time together
# take share of household workload off W
# speak your mind, be clear.Share feelings/vulnerability.
# ask "do you want the kids to grow up not seeing any affection in a couple, don't you think it would be better for them to have a better tole model?" Whereas I agree totally with the sentiment I am not sure I like this question as it is.
# rather than criticise, talk about how you are feeling
# show empathy
# think about where you are stuck and next time, do something different
# if all else fails be brutally honest. Spell out what you have been thinking about. Say it is not a threat but you don't know what else to to. Ask partner to help solve this........ then wait and see.

Michelle outlines a lot about communication which is orth reading.

!
A lot of her approach involves direct communication with spouse, which most WAS aren't receptive to. I have tried a lot of indirect stuff the last two years and think that now I need to cross off some more direct approaches from my list. I am realistic about what I think may or may not work for me, but I don't want to assume this. Time to experiment!!

With direct approaches many seemed too textbooky and I wasn't comfortable just saying something textbooky. I am now going to adapt some approaches so they sound like me speaking not just learned. This weekend I asked my W ( who is starting two month summer break with our boys at home):" is there anything I could do that would help her pass a better summer?" The reply was reserved but essentially she is a big girl and can ask if there is. I have asked a similar question before and the reply was "not that she could think of". The next day something went wrong with the kids and she spurted out that if I wanted to do something I could ............ I took note even if it was reactive instead of the ideal proactive.

Both times my W has not taken the opportunity to open up or list stuff. Maybe that will come in time or with consistent asking.BBut it did not kill me to ask either.