First time here, part 3

[leahsue]

I've gotten the names of several local lawyers from my neighbor, who is becoming such a good, loyal friend. (She is a retired local attorney.) So tomorrow I will begin calling these recs to make an appointment.

HOW in the WORLD do average people afford to get divorced??? Do lawyers allow payment plans? For crying out loud, I wouldn't imagine most people have 5-10K just lying around in a savings account to pull out and spend on a divorce. Especially if it's not one you've been planning from your side of the street. Luckily, my mom said she will help me financially with however much this is going to cost, but that piece is very frightening to me.

My daughter leaves for her cross country move on Tuesday. That is not helping with my emotional state right now, although I'm so happy for her, and she and her H are over the top excited. I will fly out next Monday for a week to help them get settled, so I'm looking forward to that distraction.

I know life will go on for me, and I will begin to be interested in living that life in a full way as a single woman, but the prospect of starting a personal life over at my age seems very daunting today. I'm trying not to focus on the deep sadness right now, but it's a struggle. I had some very dark thoughts today that were a little frightening to me. My IC is on vacation, of all times, but my next appointment is early August. She and I will have quite a bit of catching up to do, since my last appointment I was planning his visit, my birthday, and he was calling and texting every day.

(And for anyone who is about to say, get out and GAL, you know that I know that is what I need to do- and I will. I'm just being very honest about how I feel at 2:45 in the morning, feeling more alone than I have in a very long time.) I know this is not a site designed as a pity party, but if I can't be honest here, then I don't think I will be honest anywhere. This, too, will pass. But oh my, the white hot pain takes my breath away. I'm trying to just feel it, rather than feel my way around it. I know there's no bypass.