Advice appreciated

[Tobias]

IMO, You are here largely b/c you both don't know how to fight fairly, so there's fear in her, and you don't actually resolve conflict. So feelings are pressed down, then they brew, and fester, and morph into intense feelings of resentment and alienation and for both of you - depression.

Oh you hit it on the head. Although I think I mentioned this somewhere here: when she says something to me that is mean I shrug it off as her being just in the moment. She believes everything I say. I took her saying those things for granted and that added gasoline.

You have mentioned, repeatedly that you have a temper, you frequently "escalate" things when you are "emotional" (but really, when else would you escalate other than when it's emotional? I mean it's not much of a reason. )

Yes. It is mostly because W doesn't seem to recognize that still speaking with OM is just something that is okay. I should have been firmer from the start that while I can forgive her for that indiscretion because clearly I caused her to drift away from me that any continued contact is not good. I was worried to lose her, and I thought maybe it could just work. Whatever it was, I didn't act well.

The past few weeks any meltdown was solely around OM, either her texting him, either her mentioning wanting to hang out.

On the other hand, beyond this sitch I have come to recognize that I also need to count to 10 more often. Especially when I feel cornered I can lash out. For the most part I am usually very calm. But what happened with W is that for too long I was afraid of what was happening with us (pretty much entire decade of knowing her) and I let things slide and when it reached it a boiling point it escalated.

You used the word "Violent" in arguments. That's a huge red flag to me and frankly, that bothers me so much that I can barely speak to the OM issues, without first saying WTF??

Yes. And this is also part of why I focused on her being the problem for too long. Yes, I have pushed her out of the apartment (I was afraid and did that assuming she would apologize and say she was wrong...wtf indeed) but over the years she has been more violent with me that I said she has anger issues. I blame myself for being arrogant and not seeing that I too had anger issues. I told W actually today that I no longer want to win the fight at all cost. And to both our credit for the past three months we may have yelled at times or been upset but we have not had escalating fights that became violent (violence also being slamming doors, throwing stuff on the ground).

YES ^^that is something to fix asap. Otherwise It can literally be fatal. (I'm not being overly dramatic either. Tempers, stressors and affair partners are bad combinations.)

I would never forgive myself for letting myself get too violent. The worst I could see myself doing is physically pushing her out which i have done before. But you're absolutely right. I think we both let things come to a boiling point and neither of us liked that. That pattern needs to stop.

What are you doing to address your ability to express feelings of anger without losing control of your mouth or tone?

How will you learn to resolve conflicts in a better/different healthy way?

We will have to see my updates in the coming weeks but I think the MC session helped me become calmer. MC now knows W still talks to OM and W understands now fully that I am not okay with any contact. OM is also apparently afraid of me (which is funny because I am usually described as a gentle giant and OM has guns). I have mentally told myself that W has two choices: she can either contribute to the R and any contact with OM is purely as friends (and I am almost inclined to believe that) OR she can decide to play with my emotions and still engage in a PA. If she does that I expect her to either experience more psychological distress (right before I discovered evidence she was really at a low place and even seemed suicidal although she now denies saying that) OR for her to admit it and say she needs to move out and we need to pursue D.

Am I completely at ease? No. But W is afraid of me at times and she has legitimate reasons that go beyond OM for that. Now her not wanting NC doesn't help. But her fears need to be removed. Only I can do that and that can only happen when I stay calm. So I need to keep myself busy. And I also plan to journal whenever I have dark thoughts so I distract myself.

Will I succeed? Time will tell.

I also expect MC will help us with that and I believe that once W does IC she will receive tools to get over resentment. I have already mostly focused on the present and barely bring up the past.

Your w has said she'd like a different marriage with you, so what would that look like and how are you showing her this?
(I'm not referring to OM but to your behavioral issues, specifically being worked on). As for you being okay with her being polyamorous, "if you are in a good place", what does that mean? Are you also polyamorous? Or do you mean if it's sex with another woman? I have to say I'm having a hard time envisioning this working out well for you. That's partly b/c to me, being in a "good place" maritally would eliminate the perceived need for other lovers. I guess I'm mainstream in that way. I have read about swingers and open marriages. And their increased divorce rate.

Just as a clarification. W ONLY mentioned this the day after I discovered the PA. And maybe a few days after that. She has no longer expressed that desire. She IS a sexual creature but after she learned I too felt we didn't have enough sex she seemed to see me in a different light. The sex we have had lately has been more passionate and wild. This may be a good sign or it may not be. But I almost think W felt she was in a sexless marriage and couldn't see herself be a 30 year woman who wouldn't have much sex anymore. I do have some insecurities but have been way more open about them.

On the other hand from a theoretical perspective I COULD see myself being okay with polyamory. The ONLY way this works is communication and trust. Neither of which exist right now. I personally am completely fine having sex with only and just my W. But I am an academic so I explore that question differently than perhaps I should.

Why throw gasoline on a fire, when staying married is hard enough as it is?

Well I think W needs to figure out if she is throwing gasoline on our R by remaining friends. She has said once she feels she wants to recommit she would break contact.

From my part I was way too accommodating and that of course confused W. But you're right. It was playing with fire. Honestly, she said herself that it was easier for her to work on us while she could see him. And that she saw me in a different light once it became a PA. She did seem less cold and more wanting to be intimate a few days before I found evidence BUT this was mixed with distress.