there's a lot in this so I'm going to just pick a few parts out. Others will focus on the OM more than I will- at the moment --- just b/c I want to focus on a few of your past comments I found maritally dangerous.
This is Not me defending your w's affair!
I don't know how conflicts were resolved in your family or origin or your wife's. That would be something to really look at. Do you recall how your parents or siblings dealt with conflict?
IMO, You are here largely b/c you both don't know how to fight fairly, so there's fear in her, and you don't actually resolve conflict. So feelings are pressed down, then they brew, and fester, and morph into intense feelings of resentment and alienation and for both of you - depression.
You have mentioned, repeatedly that you have a temper, you frequently "escalate" things when you are "emotional" (but really, when else would you escalate other than when it's emotional? I mean it's not much of a reason. )
You used the word "Violent" in arguments. That's a huge red flag to me and frankly, that bothers me so much that I can barely speak to the OM issues, without first saying WTF??
YES ^^that is something to fix asap. Otherwise It can literally be fatal. (I'm not being overly dramatic either. Tempers, stressors and affair partners are bad combinations.)
What are you doing to address your ability to express feelings of anger without losing control of your mouth or tone?
How will you learn to resolve conflicts in a better/different healthy way?
Your w has said she'd like a different marriage with you, so what would that look like and how are you showing her this?
(I'm not referring to OM but to your behavioral issues, specifically being worked on).
As for you being okay with her being polyamorous, "if you are in a good place", what does that mean? Are you also polyamorous?
Or do you mean if it's sex with another woman?
I have to say I'm having a hard time envisioning this working out well for you. That's partly b/c to me, being in a "good place" maritally would eliminate the perceived need for other lovers. I guess I'm mainstream in that way. I have read about swingers and open marriages. And their increased divorce rate.
So my main question would be,
Why throw gasoline on a fire, when staying married is hard enough as it is?
More later...
hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
