Cali, I've been wanting to ask this for awhile, but I haven't because I'm no expert, but the more I think of your sitch and read your responses, it seems more and more likely to me.
Did you emotionally abuse your W?
I ask because of these facts: - you isolated her from her family, while taking family trips to your family - you frequently tell others they are wrong - you seem to believe your way is right because you know best - you've described having to teach her things because you are older and wiser - you seem to be a bit of a narcissist
I'm not asking if you intentionally emotionally abused your wife, but is it possible none the less? Most of the time, both parties are not aware of emotional abuse, but still feel the affects of it.
In my opinion, the best things to do for your sitch would be for you to see if you can relocate closer to her family and for you to seek IC, and you've expressed that you're not going to do either.
Isolating her from her family -
So we have made 3 trips in total to see my family up in Washington state for major events that were happening and 1 Holiday trip to see hers. My wife never had grandparents, so we made a trip for my grandma's 92nd birthday which had a big party planned and it was supposed to be the entire family showing up for it and we did the same for my grandpa in his 90th. These grandparents are on different sides of the family. The last trip we went to Washington for was my families last cattle drive. I grew up a cowboy and I wanted my wife to experience something that she has before. We went to my wife's family for Thanksgiving.
To hear my wife tell it they have never actually had a Holiday where the whole family showed up. Before my wife lived in California I also went to a family reunion on her moms side of the family, so really 3 trips to 2, but only 1 for her since she moved to California. Her parents and best friend have come to California to visit a number of times. Her mom has been there at least 5 times and her dad twice, because of his work schedule. Her best friend showed up often without even asking if it was good to come or not. These are just the facts when it comes to visiting family. If this is considered isolating than I suppose she was. If I truly think about that particular subject then I know the one problem she had with it. I can see why, but it's done and over with now. I'll explain. She wanted to go see her family for a holiday and I told her we didn't have the money at the time, which was true. Then several months later I got a call about my families last cattle drive and I really wanted her to experience a major part of my life so we went for it, granted it was a lot cheaper to go there then the east coast for us, but I know that it bugged her because she voiced it. I wasn't thinking of it in the way she viewed it and I did apologize to her about it.
Telling others they are wrong -
This isn't intended by me. It's the way I deal with things that this comes about it seems. That being said the one thing, I am explaining until I am blue in the face is that I truly deal with things differently. I have always been a very strong person emotionally and I don't let it get in the way. I am either happy or mad and that is pretty much it. In order to truly understand my dynamics you would have to know me and see how I deal with things. When I was younger I was a little more emotional I can probably say, but as I have gotten older and with the training I go through I am not very much at all. My wife has expressed this to me as well and it's one of the things she loved about me. She used to tell me that she loved how strong on I am. She admired how mentally and emotionally strong I was and that she would love to me like that too. I really just don't know how to explain it anymore. I wouldn't want my mother to be on this site. HAHA!! It would be great for her to step in to explain things from her point of view. Then maybe it would help.
You seem to believe you're way is the right way because I know best -
I definitely don't believe I am always right and I listen to everyone of you on here. I do think that I am sometimes right and I really believe I will stand up for it. I would think that everyone does that to some extent. I think some if this thinking comes from the fact that I don't believe California is the issue. Realistically my wife has never had that great of a family life (not that this means I should keep her away from it), she has always wanted to live in California, I have established a home in California which is not an easy things to do. Moving to Virginia wouldn't be any easier because the cost of living is only slightly less than San Diego. Quitting my job at this time before I have something else lined up wouldn't be a smart thing to do. So I do think losing the house and having nothing to show for it, moving to Virginia and not being able to afford a house or moving in with her parents is not the best idea. I have already told her that once we can get better settled with a housing market coming back up when we can afford to do so we could look at moving to Virginia if that is what we want to do.
You've described having to teach her things because you are older and wiser -
That sounds bad when you say it, but my wife lived a very sheltered life growing up, so there are things I have definitely had to help her with. I mentioned I was older because it had to do with the difference in the world we came up in. She is a millennial and their experience of the world growing up was different then mine. I don't believe my wife is an idiot in the least and it's a matter of fact that she is very intelligent. Everyone can learn no matter how smart they are. I am constantly learning in a field that I have been doing for the last 28 years and I love to learn.
You seem to be a bit of a narcissist -
This is something that has never been used to describe me, but you guys only know me through this event that is happening in my life, so I can't blame you for what you think you see. I can only tell you I am not. That is a pretty strong thing to call me. I want you, if you will, point out exactly what makes you think I am a narcissist? I find it an interesting thing to call me and I would like to understand why. I feel that this has all started coming up since I tried to explain that I am fine and deal with things differently. Because I am not an emotional wreck, is that what you think makes me a narcissist? Please help me understand this.
I did emotionally abuse my wife and no not on purpose, but she had her faults too that helped that alone, which at the time I didn't see. Basically now I see how she did things that affected me and I acted a certain way then in turn she acted a certain way. It was a downward spiral basically. I abused my wife by pulling myself away from her and being distant, because at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I gave her space and time to deal with things on her own and that was not a good thing. With me being gone at least 2 weeks out of the month it made it worse and the fact that her 3 major Love Languages are Quality Time, Words of Affirmations and physical touch it made it so much worse. It used to be was all she needed was me and me loving her. When I pulled away she filled the gap with wanting to be around family and back in Virginia is the way I see it.
