Here again part 9

[sandi2]

Yes, I believe *this* MR is done. I'm sorry, TO. I think you need to let it go and stop trying to save what you once had, b/c it's not there anymore. We can't make someone love us! So, grieve or mourn the loss, but don't let it possess you. You have been like a crazy LBW who is desperately trying to control what he thinks and what he does.......and you must let go of the control handle. Number one, you really weren't controlling anything, and number two, it was turning you into someone unattractive. Do not do that to yourself. Set yourself free. As I've told you in the past, I did not see my own contol issues, until it was pointed out to me. It's tough, but you can train yourself to let it go. It's very freeing, actually.

IMHO, the best way to approach any decision or connection with your H is by using the "Dropping the Rope" method. Sometimes, the person here gets overwhelmed by so many DB terms......b/c that person is having to deal with so much under very stressful conditions.

Dropping the Rope is like a ship that carries these other DB terms that have been mentioned, like Detaching, Going Dark, acting as if, etc. To me, it is easier to relieve your brain from trying to think, "Oh, I need to detach more", or "Maybe I should have stayed dark"......or "Was I acting too cold, or friendly neighbor?" Why don't we just drop all that stuff for now, b/c DTR ship will carry all of those things without fragmenting your brain.

This is nothing new, and I have previously talked to you about it. If you are in agreement, then it gives us a starting point and an objective. Right now, start schooling yourself to think like an individual......instead of 1/2 of a non-functional couple. You are not half of anything. You are one whole, independent, free, person. Your personal life does not include H (or ex-H, if it helps to think that way). Your objective is to drop your emotional ties to his life, and stop trying to control him and the outcome of this situation, You have become an emotional prisoner to what he may think of you, and/or what he does. This method of DTR will set you free. I am not telling you that you must stop loving him, but I am saying that, for now, do not dwell on your feelings for him......and try only to think of him as the father of your children. Much like he expressed his feelings for you. Let me emphasize that thinking of him as their father......does not include what you think he should be doing for the kids. That's his job to do with his kids. You have your own. At the moment, he wants to combine those jobs and play family in front of the kids.......but that's a big NO! He does his thing. You do your thing.

We've talked about faking it, well, your actions and feelings may seem unreal in the beginning......however, it's like reinventing yourself, or taking on a new role. You are in training, taking it day by day. The time is coming when it will be second nature for you.

Currently, you want to stop H from staying overnight. My suggestion is for you to act as if he is not there as your H or to help with boys.......b/c it messes with your mindset. Don't call/text to see what the plan is. You have a plan, and until there is a child schedule set..........go about your daily life as if he will never show his face again. If he comes or doesn't come.......who cares! If you need help with the kids, ask someone.......but don't ask him, and don't snoop to see what he's doing and why he's not there to help with the kids......and don't tell him they want to see him. Plan as if he won't come.......unless he should have the common decency to contact you in time to adjust your plans. But you don't contact him for anything, unless it is an emergency. Your problem, TO, is that it bugs you to no end that it's his responsibility to help parent these children.......and you should not have to ask for help. I get it. But look what this thinking is doing to YOU! Honey, you cannot force him to be a good parent. You have your hands full just being a good mom, and you have to let go of that rope you have around him......yanking him and trying to force him to do what is right. Drop the rope. Let it land where ever it falls. Don't look back at him to see what he's doing or how he reacts to the rope that is gone.

Should he just pop in and take the baby while you study, it's no big deal. He doesn't get a medal. He is lucky to get a "thanks" for taking the baby out of your arms while you study........b/c he is a parent, after all. The law says he can be there, so okay, he gets no special treatment. He certainly is not a guest. He is not a neighbor. You don't have to make small talk. You don't have to play nice. You don't have to do anything but be you. Great, huh? Just think about all that stress falling away, when you can just be TO again......and don't have to worry about walking on eggshells. You aren't trying to impress him. You sure aren't trying to "win" him. So, relax. Let it go.

You don't need to sweat the small stuff, like, "Should I be nice, say hi or goodnight, thanks for your help, etc". Yes, you can speak when he arrives. If it's handy to say bye, that's fine. Just don't make it a big deal. If the kids are in bed, and he's watching tv when you are ready to retire......you don't have to search for him to say goodnight. Why bother? B/c it is good manners? (Really? I hear this stuff from LBS's and wonder......he's having an affair and breaking up the M, and you are worried about showing good manners when the kids aren't watching? This is the kind of stuff that messes with LBS's head. Well.........hopefully, you get my point and nobody will misunderstand what I mean, too badly, b/c this post it too long to expound on this particular subject). And btw, he doesn't get to sleep with you when he stays overnight. . (If it were me, the bedroom door would probably be locked, just to make sure). No discussion necessary. .

DTR means you don't analyze his every move or spoken word.......b/c you don't have the time, the energy, or concern. If you do the action of not being concerned, the feeling will catch up. You are in your home, and you'll do whatever the heck you feel like doing......and if he doesn't like it......who cares? Not you! And, since things have shifted into a whole new gear......when he comes to spend time with the boys (and should he decide to stay over).....you are not required to leave your home and stay out till 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, trying to show him how you are GAL. Now understand what I am saying here. If you are having real fun while out with friends, or whatever.......that's great. Enjoy yourself every chance you get. Just don't stay out late trying to show him you are GAL. At this point, you aren't concerned what he thinks, and therefore, you are not trying to show HIM anything. Get it? This is a little different than you were originally told. That's b/c we are starting with a clean slate, and you are dropping all your stuff that you were doing to draw him back. Now, you will do all your stuff for mainly four people, your boys and you....and what he thinks about you and what you do, is not your concern. You are dropping that end of the rope......b/c, dang, that thing was heavy!

What do you do when he calls the kids and then wants to talk to you about his day? Same as when he texts you. Use absolutely as few words as possible. On the phone, say uh-huh or grunt a few times and then tell him you've got to go. After all, who does he think you are? His buddy?