So I didn't from my wife all day and right when I was talking on the phone to my mother and filling her in..... no offense but why are you filling your mom in? I would back off doing that or just keep it vague. I cannot see how it helps the situation, although I get why you'd want to keep her posted. Thing is, it's risking that your mom will over involve herself. Just saying.
(And I'm not denying that my s31 could say the same thing down the road )
Believe me I hear you when you say that. My mom is unbelievably persistent and will not stop bugging me until I tell her something. She only means well and I have hurt her feelings already once during this whole thing telling her to butt out and I am careful not to do it again. Giving her news like this makes her happy and that is a good reason for me to share with her.
I say "I haven't heard a word out of her today, so who knows, but maybe she is waiting for me to respond to her. After all it's how we used to go about things because of the time zone differences."
A soon as I finish saying that I get a text from my wife.
W: Not going to be able to stay up tonight. W: I'm pretty tired. Only 3 hours of sleep. W: I hope you had a good day. W: Goodnight. W: Enjoy your workout.
I wasn't sure if I should actually try to talk to her real quick and just say goodnight in person. I was also thinking that she probably was waiting to hear from me all day....possibly anyway. So I responded with.... let's not over think ^^ this. I mean, it's her reaching out for sure. Which is good! But we don't/can't know what she was doing "all day", etc.
Yep, over thinking is an issue, but if I do it my way I wouldn't think about it at all and I would just move along. That means I would go about ignoring her again because I prefer it, but that I don't think would help my situation, but I am having less and less motivation for it honestly.
ME: Hi, I was just thinking about you. I literally just got back to the hotel from work.
W: Oh OK. Gym time then?
ME: Not yet, in a little while. I'll wait until it dies down. ME: Do you want to talk for a little?
W: I'm struggling to keep my eye's open. W: Really tired.
ME: I'm sorry I don't mean to keep you up. I know you're really tired. I understand. Get some good sleep and I'll talk to you later.
W: K night W: Enjoy the rest of your evening.
ME: Goodnight So what do you think of how things are going.
I think this ^^is one short unrevealing safe conversation. It was not deep or emotional or particularly interesting to be honest (sorry). But yes, she reached out and you answered her. That's a good thing. Build on it.
Nothing deep about it or interesting about it is right. I think of this through my perspective and if I had done what my wife had done last night I would want to keep the ball rolling because that would be the practical thing to do. She doesn't put the effort forth and I won't either. I have already probably put way more effort into this than I probably should have and I grow very tired of it. It was so much easier just completely ignoring her. I didn't have to try to figure anything out and I could go about my day and enjoy no drama. My responding last night was trying to build on what we started the night before, but it went absolutely no where. This seems to be the most common thing to happen. Spinning my wheels is getting boring and I am losing interest real fast. Ball is in her court, but I will be signing those divorce papers when I get home and can make sure I am not owing her anything.
This honestly feels more like normal interaction with my wife. I am not sure what the next steps are really other than to just go about it the way I am and let things fall naturally the way they do, which is the easiest thing to do.
Well, the easiest thing to do is often not the best choice; it's just the easiest.
In fact, I have found when struggling between 2 choices, one of which is fairly easy, the right choice is the more difficult. That's b/c if the easier choice were really the better one, there'd be no struggle.
[color:#990000]This is something that no one understands here. The easiest thing for me is what most of you would probably consider the hardest thing. For instance, I have read many times that detaching and moving on is the hardest thing, but that truly feels like the easiest thing for me to do. My wife left abandoned me and sent me divorce papers so by my practical view point it's time to move on. No need to spend time and energy with someone who doesn't want any of it from me. So when I do the opposite it is usually the harder thing for me to do, which is to continue to contact my wife and to pursue her as everyone puts it. I hope this makes some sense to you, but I really am not a typical person when it comes to things like this. I am only trying to get people to understand me so when giving advise it can be taken into consideration.
Hey, there have been discussions here about you self descriptions and we need to touch on them b/c it's not about you lying. It's about you missing or repressing something many of us see, at least in your written words.
You referred to your personality type (which you refer to but never disclosed what that type is, specifically) and you mentioned a racial difference with your wife, which you refer to but never disclose, and your w's family not supporting the marriage to you, which you've mentioned but which you never explain.
Cali, These^^ are odd, okay?
I'm not quite sure what you mean by it being odd. Anyway I have done a professional personality profile before and I came out as an Expressive/Dominate. Expressive/Dominate were very high on the chart and Amiable was barely even a blip on my chart and I was situationally Analytical. My personality didn't change at all through different environments and I was pretty much always the same person rather it be at work, with friends or family ect ect. The way I viewed myself wasn't much different than the way others viewed me either. It was also revealed that I was not a very typical type of personality. There were things that I did that were not fitting with my two dominate types. It's been many years since I have done it and I can't recall exactly what was said about me, but they professionals that were doing the testing took an interest in me because I was so different. I actually have the book of information that they gave to make after all the testing was done stored away somewhere.
I have disclosed the racial difference between myself and my wife, which has been typed out on here. I am white and she is black, but I didn't disclose because I didn't think it made a difference when talking about what was happening at the time. That being said the more I learn about things the more I found out about my wife's family not supporting her continued marriage to me. I think in the beginning they did, but as I have mentioned I think my political standing made them think otherwise.....even though my wife was on the same page as me. I say used to be because I think she got so much flak for it that she felt she was wrong and had to change her mind about things. I hope that helps to clear it up a little more.
When you say you process emotions faster than the rest of us mopes, surely you can see how arrogant & smug that sounds, right?
To be clear, I presume ^^that's not your intent. Still, your written words here are often interpreted one way, only to have you then explain that our take on it was not accurate because it was not your intent. But then it happens again. That's on you, Cali. You have to own something here.
I can be very blunt and I know most people can't handle bluntness, which it seems to me. I definitely don't intend to come off as arrogant and smug and that is exactly why I say you guys don't know me. I am just telling you how it is with me and it has nothing to do with you guys. I feel I have to give reference to something to compare it too when trying to make people understand I deal with things differently so I bring in the one thing everyone can compare to and that is yourself. I hope that made sense because it sounds funny when reading it. By the way I have owed the fact that I am not representing myself well in a way that everyone can understand that I am different.
I'm struggling to get to the crux in a way you can hear it.
- I worry that even if you two can reconcile, then you won't piece well. First you are already jumping on the idea that you can stay in California (not the real problem)
and so you can avoid changing what she claimed was the primary issue - her being alone so much, and far from home/her support system.
So when does not believing 100% of what they say and only 50% of what they do come into all of this? Why does the rules only apply at one time, but then not another? I'm not being funny, but trying to figure things out. I'm not the only one who doesn't believe California was a part of the problem. I think she was using it as a way to validate what she was doing. Why would she be willing to sacrifice for me again?When I first met her, well before there was an interest and I'm talking about days into knowing her she said she has always wanted to live in California and was looking to move there when she could. She recently said she was thinking of coming back. If everything was so miserable for her why would she even mention it? This kind of thinking is so confusing to me!
The primary issue was being alone and that was not having me around enough. I think with me being a much more supportive husband in the way she needed the whole needed her family support would be such an issue. I feel that going to visit once or twice and year, plus her parents coming to us would fix most of it. Again this is just what my gut tells me and it is what my gut told me before this all went down.
Not Piecing thoroughly is one of MY 2 biggest regrets, after a 10 year recon. My recon was longer than your m, so please listen. I didn't know it consciously then, but i now see that I believed the recon was THE victory.
Things were indeed better but when another curve ball came our way (MIL got cancer) we shelved the piecing and did not really dig deep. (Curve balls and tragedies will come your way- it's life).
Back to what I learned, - We went to Retrovaille which was great, btw, but down the road my h did not get any IC on his own, ever. Yes, I did & am now, thank God.
Imo, both parties must get individual counseling after a split. I feel strongly about this.
We haven't even begun to reconcile and that is a big if right now. The way things are going I don't see it as much of a chance of happening. Like I said in another post, my wife needs to show me something if I am going to continue to fight for this marriage. I am satisfied that I have done all I really can to keep us married and it seems it is a lost cause. The little conversation we had the other day wasn't continued and it accomplished nothing as far as I can tell other than get something off her chest, which she refused to let me do in the first place.
My wife, since this whole thing went down, seems to have become very anti-religion so the retroville thing she would scoff at it. She has also scoffed at going to counseling because she has had it for past issues, which I am sure she still suffers from, and she claims it did nothing, but make it worse. So how do you deal with that?
Look, Your w left you and she recently filed for divorce. That's a big fat deal.
If you think you two can rebuild & restore your m without you specifically addressing what a lot of folks here are spotting but which you deny, I fear it will not last. I really do.
(Of course she needs IC and of course you two will need some form of MC or Retrovaille and their follow up. This is a given).
When someone sees an IC their spouse also sees, or a MC for their own individual issues , it's inhibiting. Their growth will not be the same as it would be if you had your own, even if only for half a dozen sessions. Each spouse needs to feel safe with their own T.
*Plus, sincerely, I don't get why you resist IC so much that you'd state flatly you will "never see an IC". If you are so sure you don't need it, what's the harm in getting it?*
It's not so much that I resist going, but I honestly don't care. I have no feeling towards needing to see a T. Plus it would be expensive and I am just trying to pay my bills now without the extra cushion my wife used to bring in.
Anyhow, here is a suggestion for some "homework" for you - (& since this is free advice, you are free to ignore it )
Get out of your head and into your heart, to let her in.
Start 10 sentences with the words "I feel" and finish those sentences with an emotion, not a thought.
I'm telling you that I don't feel much. I feel mad at my wife for leaving me. I feel annoyed about how she is going about it and I am feeling like I care less and less the more it goes on. She completely cut herself out of my life so it's not like there are lingering things to deal with. We have no ties with kids or money or anything at all. She was just gone one day and that was it. If I hadn't tried to make things right it probably would have been just that, she is gone. There is one last thing that I have felt from time to to time and that is excitement on starting a new life with the right person. I'm sorry to disappoint you on this exercise because I really did try, but there is nothing and even the mad is more just annoyed now then anything else. I will continue to keep thinking about it and see if I actually do feel something more. I really am different when it comes to emotions I often think or feel if you will that I should be having some sort of emotion for something that is happening, but I honestly don't. It even makes me think I'm a little strange.
You might be surprised at what you learn, & what your w would want to hear.
) 