Do you both really think there's no hope? I think the only way your h will wake up and really truly deeply change, is by believing he has lost you and the family you have created. I don't think its easy to act as if, the 2nd time around. So it has to really happen...and see what happens down the road maybe.
I do not think it's likely, but it's possible and there is always hope.
I also believe you are harming your chances of this happening down the road, by delving into the minutia of what he's going to do if you say X or if you do Ym and the repeated spinning that is happening.
He said he is done, repeatedly, but throws you a vague "needs space/time" bone now & then. But his behavior mostly comports with being out the door & he spends time with an OW & lies about it.
This weekend I've already enforced the boundaries of no shared time. The main boundary is him still staying the night at the house. He's just using it as a hotel and isn't really spending time there. What is the boundary?? He can come if he wants?
He doesn't come home from work til 8-9pm and usually sees the kids for 30 mins to an hour then goes on the couch watches TV and goes to bed. We don't talk. Is that okay if that's the situation and there's little to no interaction I don't see anything here^^ that helps you much. Or costs him anything since he's getting the time HE wants. And it makes you tense, which is 100% normal. cannot afford for him to not pay so that's where my concern comes from.
what would you get from him in CS and some temporary or permanent alimony? How on earth is he buying a house AND does that hurt you once he has a mortgage? I'd do some serious budget analysis to see how much better off you are with this arrangement which, btw, will likely change to your detriment when things with OW get more demanding...
he will have free time to spend money on - vacation, dinners, new things for his place etc. Sorry but you need to get into self preservation mode, not save the m mode.
Saving the marriage only comes from ending THIS one. I don't know another way to say it and I'm very sorry to say it at all.
Just wondering if I let the staying over go if I just don't make myself available to him or partake in family time.
is that^^ really what you are wondering? This^^ to me is minutia. You are doing something I very much recognize....working so hard to believe what you want to believe and not seeing what is relatively clear.
YES we know he changed and yes we know he said/did things recently that are at odds with today's reality. That's a sh1t sandwich and it is a clusterf$%k for you and I'm so very sorry.
Your h says (often) that he is done and for the most part, he acts like it.
Frankly, as I said before, I'd treat him as a semi reliable baby sitter for the kids and that's it.
No "happy family" time of course. No asking him questions and guilting him which is not effective. It's just not.
Back off and be a woman only a fool would leave. Get happier, get out of the rut and I know this might be the hardest time of your life to have to get out of a rut. (This is sort of primary rut making time with a newborn.)
But that's what is real. And you have your dad nearby and whoever else to lean on...
it's smart to rely on the people you can rely on...
We know you want your boys in an intact family but you do not have one. If you were in a country requiring you to flee a revolutionary force,
would you continue saying "BUT I want to remain in what was once a peaceful land", and "I do not want this", or would you get yourself and your boys out of there?
From Sandi's post to you, which you need to take in & believe - even though you don't want it.
You may not realize it, but I gave him more slack than just about anyone I remember on the board. You wanted the M to work so badly, and when one thing failed I would come back with "okay, then try such & such to see if you get better results". I hoped upon hope he would come to his senses. As an older lady once told my heartbroken daughter, "Honey, when they have a new pu$$y, they have no common sense".
Please.....PLEASE.....follow what your father laid out to your wayward H.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/10/1712:29 AM. Reason: Combine posts
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
