So I didn't from my wife all day and right when I was talking on the phone to my mother and filling her in..... no offense but why are you filling your mom in? I would back off doing that or just keep it vague. I cannot see how it helps the situation, although I get why you'd want to keep her posted. Thing is, it's risking that your mom will over involve herself. Just saying.
(And I'm not denying that my s31 could say the same thing down the road )
I say "I haven't heard a word out of her today, so who knows, but maybe she is waiting for me to respond to her. After all it's how we used to go about things because of the time zone differences."
A soon as I finish saying that I get a text from my wife.
W: Not going to be able to stay up tonight. W: I'm pretty tired. Only 3 hours of sleep. W: I hope you had a good day. W: Goodnight. W: Enjoy your workout.
I wasn't sure if I should actually try to talk to her real quick and just say goodnight in person. I was also thinking that she probably was waiting to hear from me all day....possibly anyway. So I responded with.... let's not over think ^^ this. I mean, it's her reaching out for sure. Which is good! But we don't/can't know what she was doing "all day", etc.
ME: Hi, I was just thinking about you. I literally just got back to the hotel from work.
W: Oh OK. Gym time then?
ME: Not yet, in a little while. I'll wait until it dies down. ME: Do you want to talk for a little?
W: I'm struggling to keep my eye's open. W: Really tired.
ME: I'm sorry I don't mean to keep you up. I know you're really tired. I understand. Get some good sleep and I'll talk to you later.
W: K night W: Enjoy the rest of your evening.
ME: Goodnight So what do you think of how things are going.
I think this ^^is one short unrevealing safe conversation. It was not deep or emotional or particularly interesting to be honest (sorry). But yes, she reached out and you answered her. That's a good thing. Build on it.
This honestly feels more like normal interaction with my wife. I am not sure what the next steps are really other than to just go about it the way I am and let things fall naturally the way they do, which is the easiest thing to do.
Well, the easiest thing to do is often not the best choice; it's just the easiest.
In fact, I have found when struggling between 2 choices, one of which is fairly easy, the right choice is the more difficult. That's b/c if the easier choice were really the better one, there'd be no struggle.
Hey, there have been discussions here about you self descriptions and we need to touch on them b/c it's not about you lying. It's about you missing or repressing something many of us see, at least in your written words.
You referred to your personality type (which you refer to but never disclosed what that type is, specifically) and you mentioned a racial difference with your wife, which you refer to but never disclose, and your w's family not supporting the marriage to you, which you've mentioned but which you never explain.
Cali, These^^ are odd, okay?
When you say you process emotions faster than the rest of us mopes, surely you can see how arrogant & smug that sounds, right?
To be clear, I presume ^^that's not your intent. Still, your written words here are often interpreted one way, only to have you then explain that our take on it was not accurate because it was not your intent. But then it happens again. That's on you, Cali. You have to own something here.
I'm struggling to get to the crux in a way you can hear it.
- I worry that even if you two can reconcile, then you won't piece well. First you are already jumping on the idea that you can stay in California (not the real problem)
and so you can avoid changing what she claimed was the primary issue - her being alone so much, and far from home/her support system.
Not Piecing thoroughly is one of MY 2 biggest regrets, after a 10 year recon. My recon was longer than your m, so please listen. I didn't know it consciously then, but i now see that I believed the recon was THE victory.
Things were indeed better but when another curve ball came our way (MIL got cancer) we shelved the piecing and did not really dig deep. (Curve balls and tragedies will come your way- it's life).
Back to what I learned, - We went to Retrovaille which was great, btw, but down the road my h did not get any IC on his own, ever. Yes, I did & am now, thank God.
Imo, both parties must get individual counseling after a split. I feel strongly about this.
Look, Your w left you and she recently filed for divorce. That's a big fat deal.
If you think you two can rebuild & restore your m without you specifically addressing what a lot of folks here are spotting but which you deny, I fear it will not last. I really do.
(Of course she needs IC and of course you two will need some form of MC or Retrovaille and their follow up. This is a given).
When someone sees an IC their spouse also sees, or a MC for their own individual issues , it's inhibiting. Their growth will not be the same as it would be if you had your own, even if only for half a dozen sessions. Each spouse needs to feel safe with their own T.
*Plus, sincerely, I don't get why you resist IC so much that you'd state flatly you will "never see an IC". If you are so sure you don't need it, what's the harm in getting it?*
Anyhow, here is a suggestion for some "homework" for you - (& since this is free advice, you are free to ignore it )
Get out of your head and into your heart, to let her in.
Start 10 sentences with the words "I feel" and finish those sentences with an emotion, not a thought.
You might be surprised at what you learn, & what your w would want to hear.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
) 