Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #4

[Cali08]

So I didn't from my wife all day and right when I was talking on the phone to my mother and filling her in.....

I say "I haven't heard a word out of her today, so who knows, but maybe she is waiting for me to respond to her. After all it's how we used to go about things because of the time zone differences."

A soon as I finish saying that I get a text from my wife.

W: Not going to be able to stay up tonight.
W: I'm pretty tired. Only 3 hours of sleep.
W: I hope you had a good day.
W: Goodnight.
W: Enjoy your workout.

I wasn't sure if I should actually try to talk to her real quick and just say goodnight in person. I was also thinking that she probably was waiting to hear from me all day....possibly anyway. So I responded with....

ME: Hi, I was just thinking about you. I literally just got back to the hotel from work.

W: Oh OK. Gym time then?

ME: Not yet, in a little while. I'll wait until it dies down.
ME: Do you want to talk for a little?

W: I'm struggling to keep my eye's open.
W: Really tired.

ME: I'm sorry I don't mean to keep you up. I know you're really tired. I understand. Get some good sleep and I'll talk to you later.

W: K night
W: Enjoy the rest of your evening.

ME: Goodnight


So what do you think of how things are going. This honestly feels more like normal interaction with my wife. I am not sure what the next steps are really other than to just go about it the way I am and let things fall naturally the way they do, which is the easiest thing to do.

[Holding]

Maybe "I was just thinking about you" and "Do you want to talk for a little" were taking things a little too far. It sounds a little like pursuit, which you should probably lay off of for a while.

[25yearsmlc]

So I didn't from my wife all day and right when I was talking on the phone to my mother and filling her in.....

no offense but why are you filling your mom in? I would back off doing that or just keep it vague. I cannot see how it helps the situation, although I get why you'd want to keep her posted. Thing is, it's risking that your mom will over involve herself. Just saying.

(And I'm not denying that my s31 could say the same thing down the road )

I say "I haven't heard a word out of her today, so who knows, but maybe she is waiting for me to respond to her. After all it's how we used to go about things because of the time zone differences."

A soon as I finish saying that I get a text from my wife.

W: Not going to be able to stay up tonight.
W: I'm pretty tired. Only 3 hours of sleep.
W: I hope you had a good day.
W: Goodnight.
W: Enjoy your workout.

I wasn't sure if I should actually try to talk to her real quick and just say goodnight in person. I was also thinking that she probably was waiting to hear from me all day....possibly anyway. So I responded with....

let's not over think ^^ this. I mean, it's her reaching out for sure. Which is good! But we don't/can't know what she was doing "all day", etc.

ME: Hi, I was just thinking about you. I literally just got back to the hotel from work.

W: Oh OK. Gym time then?

ME: Not yet, in a little while. I'll wait until it dies down.
ME: Do you want to talk for a little?

W: I'm struggling to keep my eye's open.
W: Really tired.

ME: I'm sorry I don't mean to keep you up. I know you're really tired. I understand. Get some good sleep and I'll talk to you later.

W: K night
W: Enjoy the rest of your evening.

ME: Goodnight

So what do you think of how things are going.


I think this ^^is one short unrevealing safe conversation. It was not deep or emotional or particularly interesting to be honest (sorry). But yes, she reached out and you answered her. That's a good thing. Build on it.

This honestly feels more like normal interaction with my wife. I am not sure what the next steps are really other than to just go about it the way I am and let things fall naturally the way they do, which is the easiest thing to do.

Well, the easiest thing to do is often not the best choice; it's just the easiest.

In fact, I have found when struggling between 2 choices, one of which is fairly easy, the right choice is the more difficult. That's b/c if the easier choice were really the better one, there'd be no struggle.

Hey, there have been discussions here about you self descriptions and we need to touch on them b/c it's not about you lying. It's about you missing or repressing something many of us see, at least in your written words.

You referred to your personality type (which you refer to but never disclosed what that type is, specifically) and you mentioned a racial difference with your wife, which you refer to but never disclose, and your w's family not supporting the marriage to you, which you've mentioned but which you never explain.

Cali, These^^ are odd, okay?

When you say you process emotions faster than the rest of us mopes, surely you can see how arrogant & smug that sounds, right?

To be clear, I presume ^^that's not your intent. Still, your written words here are often interpreted one way, only to have you then explain that our take on it was not accurate because it was not your intent. But then it happens again. That's on you, Cali. You have to own something here.

I'm struggling to get to the crux in a way you can hear it.

- I worry that even if you two can reconcile, then you won't piece well. First you are already jumping on the idea that you can stay in California (not the real problem)

and so you can avoid changing what she claimed was the primary issue - her being alone so much, and far from home/her support system.

Not Piecing thoroughly is one of MY 2 biggest regrets, after a 10 year recon. My recon was longer than your m, so please listen. I didn't know it consciously then, but i now see that I believed the recon was THE victory.

Things were indeed better but when another curve ball came our way (MIL got cancer) we shelved the piecing and did not really dig deep. (Curve balls and tragedies will come your way- it's life).

Back to what I learned, - We went to Retrovaille which was great, btw, but down the road my h did not get any IC on his own, ever. Yes, I did & am now, thank God.

Imo, both parties must get individual counseling after a split. I feel strongly about this.

Look, Your w left you and she recently filed for divorce. That's a big fat deal.

If you think you two can rebuild & restore your m without you specifically addressing what a lot of folks here are spotting but which you deny, I fear it will not last. I really do.

(Of course she needs IC and of course you two will need some form of MC or Retrovaille and their follow up. This is a given).

When someone sees an IC their spouse also sees, or a MC for their own individual issues , it's inhibiting. Their growth will not be the same as it would be if you had your own, even if only for half a dozen sessions. Each spouse needs to feel safe with their own T.


*Plus, sincerely, I don't get why you resist IC so much that you'd state flatly you will "never see an IC". If you are so sure you don't need it, what's the harm in getting it?*

Anyhow, here is a suggestion for some "homework" for you - (& since this is free advice, you are free to ignore it )

Get out of your head and into your heart, to let her in.

Start 10 sentences with the words "I feel" and finish those sentences with an emotion, not a thought.

You might be surprised at what you learn, & what your w would want to hear.

[25yearsmlc]

**
- I worry that even if you two can reconcile, then you won't piece well. First you are already jumping on the idea that you can stay in California (not the real problem)

Meaning, you are already saying that "California is not the real problem" which is b/c SHE is willing to move back to you. Willing to suck it up for you, again.

That is Not b/c there's not a problem moving there, but b/c she is again willing to sacrifice for you.

Please see this^^

[Cali08]

Maybe "I was just thinking about you" and "Do you want to talk for a little" were taking things a little too far. It sounds a little like pursuit, which you should probably lay off of for a while.

I suppose it may be, but I am only doing what I think she would like me to do. Saying things like that was a suggestion I have read on similar sites like this one...... HAHA! Can you imagine that.... a man trying to figure out what his wife would want. I know I'm not suppose to try to mind read her, but I'm just doing my best. It's a tiring job and I am losing drive for it. Fighting for someone who wants nothing to do with me and thinks I was such a terrible husband is an odd thing to do you know what I mean. I will tell you that I wasn't the one who initiated the text and I haven't heard a peep out of her today, but that's OK. I liked it better when I was ignoring her all together it was so much easier than trying to figure out how to do the next right thing. When I was ignoring her and she actually wasn't texting me I had nothing to figure out.

I am regretting talking to her now. I'm not really sure what it accomplished. I just gave her the opportunity that she wouldn't give me, which was she got to say things she felt she needed to say. We barely talked about things. I realize it was really late for her and she was falling asleep, but you would think if her intentions were anything different than divorce then she would have tried to follow up the next day with more talk on the subject. I still have divorce papers sitting on my kitchen counter. I intend to have a close look at them when I get home and then I will sign them. This is just drama in my life, which is something that I am not used to having at all and it's a pain in the butt to say the least. I question why am I doing this a lot and my only answer is because I think it is the right thing to do because she was my wife and I took a vows to her and I don't want to be the one who breaks it. I actually haven't been the one to do so and she has already done it, so there is that.

She text me that two stubborn people started a fire....who can put out the blaze. When I think about it. The fire to me is a divorce put into action and I had nothing to do with that. She started the fire and I am not so sure it can be put out...... or that I want it out. I'm not so sure I need someone with so many problems in my life and that there is a better fit for me out there. From my point of view I think the ball is in her court and she is going to have to show me something. She is going to have to give me a reason to continue fighting for this marriage. I'm just thinking rationally about this and it seems I may be getting an opportunity to do better for myself.

[Cali08]

So I didn't from my wife all day and right when I was talking on the phone to my mother and filling her in.....

no offense but why are you filling your mom in? I would back off doing that or just keep it vague. I cannot see how it helps the situation, although I get why you'd want to keep her posted. Thing is, it's risking that your mom will over involve herself. Just saying.

(And I'm not denying that my s31 could say the same thing down the road )

Believe me I hear you when you say that. My mom is unbelievably persistent and will not stop bugging me until I tell her something. She only means well and I have hurt her feelings already once during this whole thing telling her to butt out and I am careful not to do it again. Giving her news like this makes her happy and that is a good reason for me to share with her.

I say "I haven't heard a word out of her today, so who knows, but maybe she is waiting for me to respond to her. After all it's how we used to go about things because of the time zone differences."

A soon as I finish saying that I get a text from my wife.

W: Not going to be able to stay up tonight.
W: I'm pretty tired. Only 3 hours of sleep.
W: I hope you had a good day.
W: Goodnight.
W: Enjoy your workout.

I wasn't sure if I should actually try to talk to her real quick and just say goodnight in person. I was also thinking that she probably was waiting to hear from me all day....possibly anyway. So I responded with....

let's not over think ^^ this. I mean, it's her reaching out for sure. Which is good! But we don't/can't know what she was doing "all day", etc.

Yep, over thinking is an issue, but if I do it my way I wouldn't think about it at all and I would just move along. That means I would go about ignoring her again because I prefer it, but that I don't think would help my situation, but I am having less and less motivation for it honestly.

ME: Hi, I was just thinking about you. I literally just got back to the hotel from work.

W: Oh OK. Gym time then?

ME: Not yet, in a little while. I'll wait until it dies down.
ME: Do you want to talk for a little?

W: I'm struggling to keep my eye's open.
W: Really tired.

ME: I'm sorry I don't mean to keep you up. I know you're really tired. I understand. Get some good sleep and I'll talk to you later.

W: K night
W: Enjoy the rest of your evening.

ME: Goodnight

So what do you think of how things are going.


I think this ^^is one short unrevealing safe conversation. It was not deep or emotional or particularly interesting to be honest (sorry). But yes, she reached out and you answered her. That's a good thing. Build on it.

Nothing deep about it or interesting about it is right. I think of this through my perspective and if I had done what my wife had done last night I would want to keep the ball rolling because that would be the practical thing to do. She doesn't put the effort forth and I won't either. I have already probably put way more effort into this than I probably should have and I grow very tired of it. It was so much easier just completely ignoring her. I didn't have to try to figure anything out and I could go about my day and enjoy no drama. My responding last night was trying to build on what we started the night before, but it went absolutely no where. This seems to be the most common thing to happen. Spinning my wheels is getting boring and I am losing interest real fast. Ball is in her court, but I will be signing those divorce papers when I get home and can make sure I am not owing her anything.


This honestly feels more like normal interaction with my wife. I am not sure what the next steps are really other than to just go about it the way I am and let things fall naturally the way they do, which is the easiest thing to do.

Well, the easiest thing to do is often not the best choice; it's just the easiest.

In fact, I have found when struggling between 2 choices, one of which is fairly easy, the right choice is the more difficult. That's b/c if the easier choice were really the better one, there'd be no struggle.

[color:#990000]This is something that no one understands here. The easiest thing for me is what most of you would probably consider the hardest thing. For instance, I have read many times that detaching and moving on is the hardest thing, but that truly feels like the easiest thing for me to do. My wife left abandoned me and sent me divorce papers so by my practical view point it's time to move on. No need to spend time and energy with someone who doesn't want any of it from me. So when I do the opposite it is usually the harder thing for me to do, which is to continue to contact my wife and to pursue her as everyone puts it. I hope this makes some sense to you, but I really am not a typical person when it comes to things like this. I am only trying to get people to understand me so when giving advise it can be taken into consideration.

Hey, there have been discussions here about you self descriptions and we need to touch on them b/c it's not about you lying. It's about you missing or repressing something many of us see, at least in your written words.

You referred to your personality type (which you refer to but never disclosed what that type is, specifically) and you mentioned a racial difference with your wife, which you refer to but never disclose, and your w's family not supporting the marriage to you, which you've mentioned but which you never explain.

Cali, These^^ are odd, okay?

I'm not quite sure what you mean by it being odd. Anyway I have done a professional personality profile before and I came out as an Expressive/Dominate. Expressive/Dominate were very high on the chart and Amiable was barely even a blip on my chart and I was situationally Analytical. My personality didn't change at all through different environments and I was pretty much always the same person rather it be at work, with friends or family ect ect. The way I viewed myself wasn't much different than the way others viewed me either. It was also revealed that I was not a very typical type of personality. There were things that I did that were not fitting with my two dominate types. It's been many years since I have done it and I can't recall exactly what was said about me, but they professionals that were doing the testing took an interest in me because I was so different. I actually have the book of information that they gave to make after all the testing was done stored away somewhere.

I have disclosed the racial difference between myself and my wife, which has been typed out on here. I am white and she is black, but I didn't disclose because I didn't think it made a difference when talking about what was happening at the time. That being said the more I learn about things the more I found out about my wife's family not supporting her continued marriage to me. I think in the beginning they did, but as I have mentioned I think my political standing made them think otherwise.....even though my wife was on the same page as me. I say used to be because I think she got so much flak for it that she felt she was wrong and had to change her mind about things. I hope that helps to clear it up a little more.

When you say you process emotions faster than the rest of us mopes, surely you can see how arrogant & smug that sounds, right?

To be clear, I presume ^^that's not your intent. Still, your written words here are often interpreted one way, only to have you then explain that our take on it was not accurate because it was not your intent. But then it happens again. That's on you, Cali. You have to own something here.

I can be very blunt and I know most people can't handle bluntness, which it seems to me. I definitely don't intend to come off as arrogant and smug and that is exactly why I say you guys don't know me. I am just telling you how it is with me and it has nothing to do with you guys. I feel I have to give reference to something to compare it too when trying to make people understand I deal with things differently so I bring in the one thing everyone can compare to and that is yourself. I hope that made sense because it sounds funny when reading it. By the way I have owed the fact that I am not representing myself well in a way that everyone can understand that I am different.

I'm struggling to get to the crux in a way you can hear it.

- I worry that even if you two can reconcile, then you won't piece well. First you are already jumping on the idea that you can stay in California (not the real problem)

and so you can avoid changing what she claimed was the primary issue - her being alone so much, and far from home/her support system.

So when does not believing 100% of what they say and only 50% of what they do come into all of this? Why does the rules only apply at one time, but then not another? I'm not being funny, but trying to figure things out. I'm not the only one who doesn't believe California was a part of the problem. I think she was using it as a way to validate what she was doing. Why would she be willing to sacrifice for me again?When I first met her, well before there was an interest and I'm talking about days into knowing her she said she has always wanted to live in California and was looking to move there when she could. She recently said she was thinking of coming back. If everything was so miserable for her why would she even mention it? This kind of thinking is so confusing to me!

The primary issue was being alone and that was not having me around enough. I think with me being a much more supportive husband in the way she needed the whole needed her family support would be such an issue. I feel that going to visit once or twice and year, plus her parents coming to us would fix most of it. Again this is just what my gut tells me and it is what my gut told me before this all went down.


Not Piecing thoroughly is one of MY 2 biggest regrets, after a 10 year recon. My recon was longer than your m, so please listen. I didn't know it consciously then, but i now see that I believed the recon was THE victory.

Things were indeed better but when another curve ball came our way (MIL got cancer) we shelved the piecing and did not really dig deep. (Curve balls and tragedies will come your way- it's life).

Back to what I learned, - We went to Retrovaille which was great, btw, but down the road my h did not get any IC on his own, ever. Yes, I did & am now, thank God.

Imo, both parties must get individual counseling after a split. I feel strongly about this.

We haven't even begun to reconcile and that is a big if right now. The way things are going I don't see it as much of a chance of happening. Like I said in another post, my wife needs to show me something if I am going to continue to fight for this marriage. I am satisfied that I have done all I really can to keep us married and it seems it is a lost cause. The little conversation we had the other day wasn't continued and it accomplished nothing as far as I can tell other than get something off her chest, which she refused to let me do in the first place.

My wife, since this whole thing went down, seems to have become very anti-religion so the retroville thing she would scoff at it. She has also scoffed at going to counseling because she has had it for past issues, which I am sure she still suffers from, and she claims it did nothing, but make it worse. So how do you deal with that?

Look, Your w left you and she recently filed for divorce. That's a big fat deal.

If you think you two can rebuild & restore your m without you specifically addressing what a lot of folks here are spotting but which you deny, I fear it will not last. I really do.

(Of course she needs IC and of course you two will need some form of MC or Retrovaille and their follow up. This is a given).

When someone sees an IC their spouse also sees, or a MC for their own individual issues , it's inhibiting. Their growth will not be the same as it would be if you had your own, even if only for half a dozen sessions. Each spouse needs to feel safe with their own T.


*Plus, sincerely, I don't get why you resist IC so much that you'd state flatly you will "never see an IC". If you are so sure you don't need it, what's the harm in getting it?*

It's not so much that I resist going, but I honestly don't care. I have no feeling towards needing to see a T. Plus it would be expensive and I am just trying to pay my bills now without the extra cushion my wife used to bring in.

Anyhow, here is a suggestion for some "homework" for you - (& since this is free advice, you are free to ignore it )

Get out of your head and into your heart, to let her in.

Start 10 sentences with the words "I feel" and finish those sentences with an emotion, not a thought.

I'm telling you that I don't feel much. I feel mad at my wife for leaving me. I feel annoyed about how she is going about it and I am feeling like I care less and less the more it goes on. She completely cut herself out of my life so it's not like there are lingering things to deal with. We have no ties with kids or money or anything at all. She was just gone one day and that was it. If I hadn't tried to make things right it probably would have been just that, she is gone. There is one last thing that I have felt from time to to time and that is excitement on starting a new life with the right person. I'm sorry to disappoint you on this exercise because I really did try, but there is nothing and even the mad is more just annoyed now then anything else. I will continue to keep thinking about it and see if I actually do feel something more. I really am different when it comes to emotions I often think or feel if you will that I should be having some sort of emotion for something that is happening, but I honestly don't. It even makes me think I'm a little strange.

You might be surprised at what you learn, & what your w would want to hear.


[/color]

[Vapo]

C,

I just read up on your situation and I'll be totally blunt here. You Sir, are an A hole. A self absorbed A-hole. You have sooooooooo many wonderful people lending you their experience and guidance and you shoot all of them down making them ignorant and stupid. And when your exact words are served back to you, you claim it was taken out of context. Are you sure you aren't in politics?

I am AMAZED that 25 and some other are continuing their support. AMAZED. 25 really has patience of a saint.

You are so closeminded about your own faults it's a major fault all on its own.

I think you really have deep issues that you are afraid to tackle and until you do, things will not budge. I also think you have an inflated ego and traits of a spoiled brat. Are you an only child? That would explain plenty.

Never the less I still wish you the best of luck with your sitch, you'll need it.

[Coconut]

Cali, I've been wanting to ask this for awhile, but I haven't because I'm no expert, but the more I think of your sitch and read your responses, it seems more and more likely to me.

Did you emotionally abuse your W?

I ask because of these facts:
- you isolated her from her family, while taking family trips to your family
- you frequently tell others they are wrong
- you seem to believe your way is right because you know best
- you've described having to teach her things because you are older and wiser
- you seem to be a bit of a narcissist

I'm not asking if you intentionally emotionally abused your wife, but is it possible none the less? Most of the time, both parties are not aware of emotional abuse, but still feel the affects of it.

In my opinion, the best things to do for your sitch would be for you to see if you can relocate closer to her family and for you to seek IC, and you've expressed that you're not going to do either.

[Cali08]

C,

I just read up on your situation and I'll be totally blunt here. You Sir, are an A hole. A self absorbed A-hole. You have sooooooooo many wonderful people lending you their experience and guidance and you shoot all of them down making them ignorant and stupid. And when your exact words are served back to you, you claim it was taken out of context. Are you sure you aren't in politics?

I am AMAZED that 25 and some other are continuing their support. AMAZED. 25 really has patience of a saint.

You are so closeminded about your own faults it's a major fault all on its own.

I think you really have deep issues that you are afraid to tackle and until you do, things will not budge. I also think you have an inflated ego and traits of a spoiled brat. Are you an only child? That would explain plenty.

Never the less I still wish you the best of luck with your sitch, you'll need it.

I don't fault you for thinking it, but I will say again you don't know me at all. You're are right that everyone, especially 25year is awesome for their continued support.

Funny how trying to explain how I actually deal with things or see the world from my point of view makes me an deeply emotional, self inflated egotistical A-hole, but if you feel the need to think of me as one then so be it. I would like you to explain to me exactly the traits that I have that make me this? What tells you I am all of these? Is it because I am trying to explain my point of view which makes me those things? How exactly am I portraying all these qualities in what I type. It would be great for you to be specific when you, or if you will point it out. I am seriously asking you to do me this favor. Show me how you view this from your eyes, please.

I also wish you and everyone else one here the best in their situation too.

[Cali08]

Cali, I've been wanting to ask this for awhile, but I haven't because I'm no expert, but the more I think of your sitch and read your responses, it seems more and more likely to me.

Did you emotionally abuse your W?

I ask because of these facts:
- you isolated her from her family, while taking family trips to your family
- you frequently tell others they are wrong
- you seem to believe your way is right because you know best
- you've described having to teach her things because you are older and wiser
- you seem to be a bit of a narcissist

I'm not asking if you intentionally emotionally abused your wife, but is it possible none the less? Most of the time, both parties are not aware of emotional abuse, but still feel the affects of it.

In my opinion, the best things to do for your sitch would be for you to see if you can relocate closer to her family and for you to seek IC, and you've expressed that you're not going to do either.

Isolating her from her family -

So we have made 3 trips in total to see my family up in Washington state for major events that were happening and 1 Holiday trip to see hers. My wife never had grandparents, so we made a trip for my grandma's 92nd birthday which had a big party planned and it was supposed to be the entire family showing up for it and we did the same for my grandpa in his 90th. These grandparents are on different sides of the family. The last trip we went to Washington for was my families last cattle drive. I grew up a cowboy and I wanted my wife to experience something that she has before. We went to my wife's family for Thanksgiving.

To hear my wife tell it they have never actually had a Holiday where the whole family showed up. Before my wife lived in California I also went to a family reunion on her moms side of the family, so really 3 trips to 2, but only 1 for her since she moved to California. Her parents and best friend have come to California to visit a number of times. Her mom has been there at least 5 times and her dad twice, because of his work schedule. Her best friend showed up often without even asking if it was good to come or not. These are just the facts when it comes to visiting family. If this is considered isolating than I suppose she was. If I truly think about that particular subject then I know the one problem she had with it. I can see why, but it's done and over with now. I'll explain. She wanted to go see her family for a holiday and I told her we didn't have the money at the time, which was true. Then several months later I got a call about my families last cattle drive and I really wanted her to experience a major part of my life so we went for it, granted it was a lot cheaper to go there then the east coast for us, but I know that it bugged her because she voiced it. I wasn't thinking of it in the way she viewed it and I did apologize to her about it.

Telling others they are wrong -

This isn't intended by me. It's the way I deal with things that this comes about it seems. That being said the one thing, I am explaining until I am blue in the face is that I truly deal with things differently. I have always been a very strong person emotionally and I don't let it get in the way. I am either happy or mad and that is pretty much it. In order to truly understand my dynamics you would have to know me and see how I deal with things. When I was younger I was a little more emotional I can probably say, but as I have gotten older and with the training I go through I am not very much at all. My wife has expressed this to me as well and it's one of the things she loved about me. She used to tell me that she loved how strong on I am. She admired how mentally and emotionally strong I was and that she would love to me like that too. I really just don't know how to explain it anymore. I wouldn't want my mother to be on this site. HAHA!! It would be great for her to step in to explain things from her point of view. Then maybe it would help.

You seem to believe you're way is the right way because I know best -

I definitely don't believe I am always right and I listen to everyone of you on here. I do think that I am sometimes right and I really believe I will stand up for it. I would think that everyone does that to some extent. I think some if this thinking comes from the fact that I don't believe California is the issue. Realistically my wife has never had that great of a family life (not that this means I should keep her away from it), she has always wanted to live in California, I have established a home in California which is not an easy things to do. Moving to Virginia wouldn't be any easier because the cost of living is only slightly less than San Diego. Quitting my job at this time before I have something else lined up wouldn't be a smart thing to do. So I do think losing the house and having nothing to show for it, moving to Virginia and not being able to afford a house or moving in with her parents is not the best idea. I have already told her that once we can get better settled with a housing market coming back up when we can afford to do so we could look at moving to Virginia if that is what we want to do.

You've described having to teach her things because you are older and wiser -

That sounds bad when you say it, but my wife lived a very sheltered life growing up, so there are things I have definitely had to help her with. I mentioned I was older because it had to do with the difference in the world we came up in. She is a millennial and their experience of the world growing up was different then mine. I don't believe my wife is an idiot in the least and it's a matter of fact that she is very intelligent. Everyone can learn no matter how smart they are. I am constantly learning in a field that I have been doing for the last 28 years and I love to learn.

You seem to be a bit of a narcissist -

This is something that has never been used to describe me, but you guys only know me through this event that is happening in my life, so I can't blame you for what you think you see. I can only tell you I am not. That is a pretty strong thing to call me. I want you, if you will, point out exactly what makes you think I am a narcissist? I find it an interesting thing to call me and I would like to understand why. I feel that this has all started coming up since I tried to explain that I am fine and deal with things differently. Because I am not an emotional wreck, is that what you think makes me a narcissist? Please help me understand this.

I did emotionally abuse my wife and no not on purpose, but she had her faults too that helped that alone, which at the time I didn't see. Basically now I see how she did things that affected me and I acted a certain way then in turn she acted a certain way. It was a downward spiral basically. I abused my wife by pulling myself away from her and being distant, because at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I gave her space and time to deal with things on her own and that was not a good thing. With me being gone at least 2 weeks out of the month it made it worse and the fact that her 3 major Love Languages are Quality Time, Words of Affirmations and physical touch it made it so much worse. It used to be was all she needed was me and me loving her. When I pulled away she filled the gap with wanting to be around family and back in Virginia is the way I see it.