I'm just catching up on the latest. I agree 100% with the things your dad told your H. Will you support what your dad said, by not allowing your H to join in the family's activities? By "family activities", I mean anything that involves you and the boys, or you and your relatives. He has to see that he doesn't get the best of both worlds. From this point forward, "family activities" will mean him and the boys without you and/or your relatives. That's how it works when divorce hits a family unit. Like most waywards, he clings to a fantasy of what he thinks it will be like in the future. He'll leave his new love interest just long enough to run over to your house and play family? Not if you are the smart woman I believe you are! As someone pointed out........now that he knows you are aware of the OW, it changes everything. Speaking as a former wayward spouse, I don't know how to stress the importance of this enough.
Among one of the first hurdles you'll face along these lines, will be if/when one of the kids invite him to join whatever plans you've made. Knowing the state you've been in for a while, I see it confusing you about the best way to handle it. You need to talk to the boys and tell them not to be asking daddy to join in the activities that you (or your side of the family) plan, don't ask him to stay for dinner, or to spend the night.......or anything. Tell them that you will not be attending the activities that daddy plans to do with them. Maybe some of these ladies can share how to have the talk......but you cannot allow your wayward H to partake in your family (which includes you with the boys, and/or your relatives) activities. I so relate to the things your father said to WH. I hope you will support your father's words, and not get all confused about where you need to draw the line on WH and your family activities. He failed to read the memo of how things change when he drops his current W and exchanges for another model.
Although some may think this sounds punitive, that's not it at all. (Although not intended, who cares if he feels as if he's being punished?) You have nearly lost your mind, worrying over what he may think and feel. We are talking reality of divorce, here! I have witnessed some wonderful couples who divorced and maintained a friendly (but detached) connection. Even in those cases, they did not share boating trips, or a Saturday afternoon "as a family". The only time they showed up for the same event were weddings, funerals, graduations, hospital emergencies, and maybe sports. Even then...... they stayed on their side of the street, if you know what I mean. There were no shared holidays, traditions, birthday parties,, etc. Each parent had their own party with their side of the family for the kids. No more shared vacations or weekend outings. That's crazy. Things like adultery, divorce, and remarriages end these things being shared like the family unit they once were,
(Sorry, sweetheart, I'm truly not trying to see how harsh I can be). I know your heart is broken. I also know you have been vulnerable for several months. You are far from being stupid, you are just vulnerable).
WH doesn't get to cherry pick the parts he wants.......and show up for the fun stuff and playing "One Big Happy Family with the W and Kids". He has made his choice, and it had nothing to do with what's best for the kids. How dare him! It had everything to do with what he wanted. I don't know how you stopped yourself from slapping his face. (Loved your response, btw). Anyway, you've already tried that "family activity" route with him, and he came and went whenever "he" wanted......and still ended badly. Well, the law may say he can come and go where the house is concerned......but I bet it doesn't say you have to let him tag along for whatever you have planned for the boys away from the house, or whatever event your relatives have. Listen, he will try to make you feel guilty about the kids, b/c that's how waywards operate. Please, don't succumb to him trying to make you believe you can, or should, continue acting like a family and doing things together with the kids. It is only his selfishness talking. The audacity! He deserves the rude awakening that lays in store for him. Not only that, but he needs the rude awakening. He doesn't want it.....but he needs it. There may be just a little window of time for him to get a tiny preview of the new life he's bought by sacrificing this family. Indeed, he thinks he will get to continue doing just like he's done since you were first aware something was up with him. And I am not saying this to get your hopes up. I am saying this for your own good (God, I sound like a mother!) and it will be for his own good, b/c he is messed up! Wasn't it the daughter of his boss (or similar) the first time? That's just too creepy, and if I was your mother, I would be saying just what I written.
You may not realize it, but I gave him more slack than just about anyone I remember on the board. You wanted the M to work so badly, and when one thing failed I would come back with "okay, then try such & such to see if you get better results". I hoped upon hope he would come to his senses. As an older lady once told my heartbroken daughter, "Honey, when they have a new pu$$y, they have no common sense".
Please.....PLEASE.....follow what your father laid out to your wayward H.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
