So we had our MC today and I kind of lost it. I know I should have kept quiet but I knew this was a ticking time bomb. I mentioned that I kind of don't feel I can give W space with OM involved. She admitted at the session that while he said he would leave her alone so we can work things out that she begged him to stay since they are both going through the same thing (ending a relationship. Ironically he got cheated on by his GF). She expects a D and fears being isolated. She told MC that she doesn't want to be M. She confirmed that all physical activities stopped (I kind of knew that given our unique situation of W not driving and us pretty much being in same place 24/7) but that she admits it is an emotional connection.
I confronted her about what happened on the trip and she said it was just as friends with me and that there is a familiar touch that is nice. And because I had said let's take it day by day (which is true...I just assumed she would slowly engage in NC with OM).
MC told her that clearly she is confused about what W wants as she cannot be working on the MR if she is also talking to someone about leaving the M. W said that she just doesn't know what to do. She wants to feel in love with me but she doesn't (I am not sure WHAT she misses, she says we have fun, we enjoy similar activities, she said before we flew back home that clearly we have great sexual chemistry, she thinks I am great at my profession and she would love for me to also be in another State...to me that is marriage: a profound friendship where two people enjoy each other's company regardless of what we do...) --> I do recognize that my impatience and impulsiveness and focus on money often prevented us from enjoying things. Add to that that during fights we both were mean and it escalated and whereas I want to fix problems at once, W needs space. So those are HUGE things that were never set up right.
MC asked me (when I gave the chance...ugh I really need to be better controlling my emotions but this had been weighing on me for weeks) if I wanted a decision now. I said I can wait as long as W needs but that it would be easier if OM is not in the picture. MC said that she has never heard of a situation where someone else was involved and it being good for the R. She also said that W is perhaps giving conflicting messages and false hope.
I mentioned how I don't feel a next MC session makes sense but W pleaded/asked that we go. So I agreed. W. also said that while she would feel empowered to think about us in a different State that here she feels trapped and feels that she needs to move out to clear her head. (At home she added that she knows she takes me for granted and kind of needs to know what happens when she misses me and I am not right there to help her.) and that because our lives are so intertwined that it is hard for her to have time for herself and is always worried what I think... I interrupted (shouldn't have done that) and said but that is because of OM.
MC said that she thinks we can get out of this but only IF both of us commit (yeah...I knew that, hence why I was so emotional). She said that some couples come out stronger after one of the people moves out. She also told W that I am communicating better in these sessions (although I was bad today and need to apologize to her) and that while I am clearly emotional that it is obvious I admire W and I love her and think she is amazing.
At home W suggested extended stay in a motel as an alternative. I said if she really thinks that will help and she isn't just doing that to prolong the inevitable that I can accept that. That I will try to not think OM is over there all the time. She said he won't come over. (I am trying to recall if she said all the time or implied not at all.) It doesn't matter. She knows how I feel and either she thinks she needs to get him out of her system and have more PA with him OR he truly is being a friend.
She shows compassion towards me when I am sad so I think that's a good sign. What is a bad sign is that I need to be strong if I want her to feel safe to come back. I really hope I can stay calm and she can see I am giving her space DESPITE knowing she talks to OM that maybe she will feel safer but part of me also thinks maybe her moving out would be the best especially if she commits to more MC which she said she wanted to do (I confronted her about her saying she wanted to date and she denied that at the session so maybe her thoughts did change or she is worried what MC would say). It would require an insane amount of emotional regulation on my part but it is important I focus on myself. I don't like feeling this way and it makes me whiny and unattractive.
At home she also said she regrets sleeping with him because he is a friend. When I mentioned it later she changed it to well not regret but...and she didn't finish. She did say we both need IC as well and she said she needs to do it and encourages me to do the same. Honestly, I need to work on things but for me it is mostly not knowing which side of W to belief. The one that comes closer to me. Laughs with me. Says we have sexual chemistry. Says she can see us live together in another State. OR the one that says she doesn't want to be married. Maybe both. Maybe neither. I can have patience. I have enough work to do...it's just that both of us want to leave the State in the next year. Figuring all this out how to leave AND how we feel about each other is going to be insanely difficult. The benefit I guess is that I can focus for a job so wherever I would go W COULD potentially follow me and do her PhD. Or maybe it just means we wait another year.
I do know we are both exhausted. I do know I love her. I do know she seems to care about me (in some fashion). I know she is worried about the finances when she moves out. I know she has major fear that I will hurt her. I know that in the past we both have been too excessively violent. But she starts to validate more and more that she contributed to the problem. And that we both have been emotionally abusive (my fault was only seeing her part for too long and not seeing how I did the same and sometimes worse). I know she validates that i have made huge changes for the better (she mentioned that to counselor as well) but that she feels it is too little too late. I told her that that is part of the reason I am frustrated because I was asleep for so long.
One other thing she said when we were home and she was in pain in her shoulders and neck and I did what I always do: rub it. She said it feels so good. So familiar. I love feeling that touch. She then sighed and said she messed up but doesn't know how to do it in this home. To me that is a glimmer of hope that what seems to be the biggest problem is getting over the fear of me, the resent towards me from the past and especially the too little too late. She even said we did so much bad to each other that it may be too much to overcome and I said: precisely because we both contributed that it is just important we start with a clean slate.
So maybe her moving out for a bit and not having me immediately there to rub it. Not immediately there to talk about her day. Not immediately there to think about our problems OR for any intimacy. She will either miss me and want to come back or decide she really wants out. Perhaps it will be too easier for her to do the latter. But I cannot control that. I can only control becoming the best H I can be.
My secret hope is that on Wed at our next session there is NO added drama from me. I have said my peace. She knows how i feel (and yes she did say I initially said something else and I explained that was fear). The MC now knows everything that is going on (except W talking about extended stay). But I don't know if she is mentioning these things to just delay the inevitable (because when I asked during the MC if there was anything that could change for her to want to recommit and she said not right now, not how things are. Which is different from what she said at home).
I know I need to detach and GAL. I know I need to accept that maybe she really is toying with my emotions. I know...don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. But which half?
Long story short: I came to this board without knowing the full picture. When I found out about OM I acted way too accommodating. I slowly backtracked which of course makes sense why W is confused. So I am beginning at week 1 of this process.
