Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #4

[Cali08]

First of all your an awesome lady and I just want to say thank you for all you have communicated with me on here.

Further more she talked about future things with me. About jobs I should look for and how good I am at coaching and that I should make it a full time job. It' was by far the most normal conversation I have had with her in months since this thing started.

Flying out to Virginia either helped you a lot or was a neutral. I feel it was the former and not the latter.

I agree I think the flight to Virginia was a turning point, but after talking to my wife it would appear that she wa also thinking of coming out to see me. Still a very confusing thing to me that I got the divorce papers laying on my kitchen counter. I have thought of possible flying her out to Hawaii with for a weekend, but it's just a thought. If she truly wants to see me then it could be arranged.

IMO, The job advice she is giving or probing with, means you moving. Not arguing about why you should stay, and the house, and the lost opportunities, and proximity to your family, etc...

She actually discussed specifically about jobs in and around my home town, so I'm still leaning towards Cali truly not being the real problem.

You have made many promises about insights and things you have learned...things you regret doing/not doing.

Please use any opportunity you may have to salvage your m, to make changes in your trajectory. To keep those promises.

In other words, change how you treat & view your w, or neither one of you will be happy, for long.

I totally agree! I already have changed how I wold treat my wife because I can feel it. It's is literally a part of my thought process of I want to treat her and how she needs it too.

Communication -oh my dear Cali, I do not think the written word is really your strength when it relates to emotions/relationships.

So when you communicate with your w, do it in person or on the phone, maybe emphasize the listening without the need to coach your w. It would be an easy trap to fall in

and before you deny ever doing that, STOP.... no one is accusing you. It's just advice. And FTR, I'm a L and know for a fact that in the start of my m I often gave oral arguments that I felt were organized and thought out and would inevitably lead to the conclusion I had come to so brilliantly.

In court, I won a lot. Not so much in my marital discussions. Some areas do not overlap as well as we'd like. Period.

Haha! I wasn't going to deny doing it honestly!! I wasn't even taking it as you calling me out on it, but as advice from a wise woman. I think coaching my wife wasn't even the issue, but treating her like a kid in some respects would be the more likely thing. It's just a fact that I am more experienced in some life things than my wife, after all I do have 10 years on her and when she wouldn't know things I thought she absolutely should know I would point it out. I wasn't meaning to be that way towards her or at least I wasn't thinking of her as a child, but she definitely took it that way.

I would advise against another letter to her. No. She reacted positively (though belatedly) to your in person visit. That's clear.

I'm confused here because I have never sent her a letter in the first place. I have only talked about it and tried to write acceptable versions of letters and posted them up here.

I know you say you will treat her differently, but I strongly fear that if she comes back, you'll see it as some sort of validation of the past choices you made (& that nothing of significance will be altered, over time).

In contrast, I think it would be a wonderful second chance for you - to use a precious gift wisely, and lovingly.

Make sense?

It makes perfect sense and I really am a man of my word. When I mean it I really do mean it. I know I want to treat my wife differently than before and I know that I don't want to go back to what happened to us before. For one I realize that her actions effect mine and mine hers and it becomes a vicious cycle, which can be nipped in the bud with proper insight and communication.

PS

I read your whole thread from the beginning. While It's true that I read many threads around here, I still could not recall you writing a specific thing about your racial differences, or why her parents/family would not support the m or have a good r with you. I have not re-read your whole thread to search & find those. I don't want to, but I feel like I'd remember them if they were not vague or cryptic.

I did mention it a few times, some time less direct than others because at first I felt odd calling attention to it. It's such a strong subject now a days I didn't want anyone to become offended by it. I will see if I can find it the very last time I mentioned it and I will copy and paste it here.

And I still find your references opaque or forcing a lot of work from the reader. That's why I found your previous draft so unproductive.

I believe this stems from a bit of laziness on my part too. I am a lot of the times, as I am now, typing this after a long day of work and I am trying to just get it out as fast as possible so I can read the advice later. I know I can be better if I took my time to be.

But no matter. Just wanted you to know I did read your whole thread, parts of it more than once.