I had been the one that had my ex served the divorce papers. I was advised by my attorneys to do so.
I remember getting the phone call from the guy that served him, and crying to know that it was done. I felt like I had betrayed my ex. I was really wrong about this. It was humiliating. And as it turned out, going through lawyers instead of mediating was a really big and expensive mistake and choice I made.
At the time, I was emotionally charged and ultra paranoid. I had so much fear. I did not trust my ex. He was a villain in my eyes. I did not feel like I could mediate. I felt like he was hiding something. And he was. Just not what I thought.
Through this legal process, he was not dishonest. He handed in all the papers as he should have. He did not harass me, or bully me or threaten me in any way. I think I could have been more the bully if I had voiced to him the things that I was thinking, and thinking about doing. Or if I had a different lawyer.
I disliked my lawyer because they were not cut throat, but in reality, its an arrangement that is not too unfair to either of us. I waived alimony. I did not go after his retirement funds or stock options, and I did not go after the missing money. I did not humiliate him with drug testing. Right now, I am ok with that and kind of happy with the arrangement. But there were many times my mind went there. Out of anger, rightousness, entitlement, feeling like a victim, like someone who had no control, vengefullness...I don't know.
During our marriage, he was not honest about money. He had incurred secret debt. He had spending habits that were really scary and affected us as a family. He does not see that, because he feels it was his money and he could do what he liked with it. I had sensed this secrecy, I think our whole relationship and reacted with mistrust and resentment and it became a "mine is mine mentality" which was awful.
He is the one that left. At a time, I was my lowest. He was picking fights, or doing things that he knew I would fight and complain about so that he could feel justified with me as a villain.
Prior to that, I was not the best wife. I was cynical and negative and lazy. I did not give enough. I definatly took our relationship for granted.
I was 100% loyal though and would never have left him. (unless he cheated) I thought that was enough for him, because it was what was enough for me in a marriage. But it wasnt. Maybe he is right in this.
I will end up seeking out another relationship. I want to share life with a partner and to have my own family unit. But I feel deeply saddened that it cannot be my ex.
Anyway, I am about to sign my divorce decree. It feels horrible. I still love my husband..I guess unconditionally. I am mad at him. But I still love him. I feel bad that ending the marriage was an option for him.
I wonder if he will go out and celebrate with his friends tonight or if he will feel as bad as I do.
