Wife moved to parents on opposite coast #4

[25yearsmlc]

Further more she talked about future things with me. About jobs I should look for and how good I am at coaching and that I should make it a full time job. It' was by far the most normal conversation I have had with her in months since this thing started.

Flying out to Virginia either helped you a lot or was a neutral. I feel it was the former and not the latter.

IMO, The job advice she is giving or probing with, means you moving. Not arguing about why you should stay, and the house, and the lost opportunities, and proximity to your family, etc...

You have made many promises about insights and things you have learned...things you regret doing/not doing.

Please use any opportunity you may have to salvage your m, to make changes in your trajectory. To keep those promises.

In other words, change how you treat & view your w, or neither one of you will be happy, for long.

Communication -oh my dear Cali, I do not think the written word is really your strength when it relates to emotions/relationships.

So when you communicate with your w, do it in person or on the phone, maybe emphasize the listening without the need to coach your w. It would be an easy trap to fall in

and before you deny ever doing that, STOP.... no one is accusing you. It's just advice. And FTR, I'm a L and know for a fact that in the start of my m I often gave oral arguments that I felt were organized and thought out and would inevitably lead to the conclusion I had come to so brilliantly.

In court, I won a lot. Not so much in my marital discussions. Some areas do not overlap as well as we'd like. Period.

I would advise against another letter to her. No. She reacted positively (though belatedly) to your in person visit. That's clear.

I know you say you will treat her differently, but I strongly fear that if she comes back, you'll see it as some sort of validation of the past choices you made (& that nothing of significance will be altered, over time).

In contrast, I think it would be a wonderful second chance for you - to use a precious gift wisely, and lovingly.

Make sense?


PS

I read your whole thread from the beginning. While It's true that I read many threads around here, I still could not recall you writing a specific thing about your racial differences, or why her parents/family would not support the m or have a good r with you. I have not re-read your whole thread to search & find those. I don't want to, but I feel like I'd remember them if they were not vague or cryptic.

And I still find your references opaque or forcing a lot of work from the reader. That's why I found your previous draft so unproductive.

But no matter. Just wanted you to know I did read your whole thread, parts of it more than once.