When we tell our son that we're getting a divorce I want to make it clear to him that this isn't "Daddy's idea, but that I have to do what Mommy wants". Is this the right approach?
I assume you plan on having that convo with W there too? You should both be present. My personal opinion is that you should not place blame in that initial convo. The focus of it should be on the kids. They need reassurances. My W and I simply told them that no matter what happens, we both love them very much, would continue supporting them and would continue going to events for them. Surprisingly the only questions they had were regarding whether they would get their own rooms at W's house, and could they pick out their own furniture and such. A lot of people expect a lot of wailing and kids confronting the WAS, and the WAS collapsing into a puddle of remorse. That's not how it usually goes down though. The kids did ask more questions later about why, and I tried to be as honest as I could without making it sound like W was the enemy. IE, I told them that W felt it was time for a change and even though I wanted to stay together I thought we should support her decision, and that I thought she was an awesome mom regardless and that we would try to make the change as easy for them as possible. When the two D's got older we did have some more "adult" conversations about it, but again I just stressed that I didn't know why W left, that it was confusing but I wanted her to be happy whatever that meant to her.
By the way in the following years W and I continued going to all of their events and shows and we always sat together (and still do). We plan their birthdays together and have one party for them and we're both there. I'm not saying it works for everyone, but we have consistently presented a unified front in support of the kids and I think that made all the difference for minimizing the emotional impact of S and D on them.
