So we came back from our trip and for the most part it was nice. W. showed a lot of intimacy and spoke about me applying for jobs there. But she also still texts OM. I confronted her about that and she acts defensive and says they are just friends and how I am blackmailing her if I want her to go NC because (I assume) she doesn't know what will happen between us.
This is the only thing I confront her about because to me the OM needs to be out of the picture. I know I wrote something else in the past on here but it has been rough. I feel like giving her space makes it hard when I know OM is still in the picture. And it may not be a PA at this stage anymore but it sure feels like an EA. W even said he isn't a bad person when I mentioned that my initial reaction was more based on my expectation that OM would just leave us the [insert cuss word] alone after he knew I knew.
The trip was nice and it does confirm that we need to be in a different place. Not that moving will fix everything but it might help offer a fresh start. The problem is we cannot think and talk about that until we have figured things out. So I don't know what to trust from my W. when she gives me compliments and talks about feeling empowered thinking about us in a different place...but also saying that she doesn't feel in love with me again. She did acknowledge for the first time that bringing OM to our home was disrespectful. Her actions towards me are mostly warm but there are moments when she lashes out. She says she is scared and it is very clear she thinks my changes are temporary and that it feels too little too late. TLTL should be an abbreviation on here haha!
She said she cannot work on herself and be a whole person when she is worried about how I will feel and react. I told her that I can give her space but that knowing that OM is still in the picture makes it harder...and that I don't think either one of us can be a whole person until OM is out of the picture. She has also mentioned that while she loved being with me on this trip that she needs space and thinks she needs to move out.
So why did I lose my cool? Well our MC told us it was good she wanted to mediate in a natural park where we would go to. I told her during the session that I wanted to do that myself. Right in the middle of the hike a mutual friend who had JUST moved to the area texted her and when she said that I saw she had texted OM. Earlier on the trip his name was nowhere to be found. I get it. I shouldn't snoop but I felt so disrespected at that moment that on this hike where it should be about us independently W decided to text OM. And of course it wasn't snooping as so much I saw her phone when she spoke to me. She said it was just to wish him happy 4th. After that we did not stay distant long... she spoke about not having bad thoughts of another trip. She did reach out to me and comforted me.
The next day before we left she once again spoke about my plans to apply to a job and encouraged me to do so. She says she is uncertain about the future. I told her so am I. She mentioned how she feels we are sexually compatible and how that is nice. She thinks I am attractive. I just don't know if her saying the scenery being different might make everything a lot easier is sincere or not.
She is making an effort I just don't know why she is so reluctant to not talk to OM. I assume it is because she wants a fall back option for when things don't work out but she wants to leave the state in a year and OM wouldn't be in the picture.
I don't want to think it all falls back to money concerns and her feeling her image would be tarnished.
This morning I dropped W off at work as I needed to head back to the house to wait for the AC maintenance. When I dropped her off I mentioned how maybe I would be back in time for her lunch and after I said that she said how she needs to study for her GRE test (to get into the PhD program) and cannot become a whole person if she worries how I feel etc. So that is when I mentioned how I said I don't think either one of us can be whole with OM in the picture. She called that blackmail. Later she did text me saying she hates that we fought and the conversations turned back to more neutral tone. But I just have a hard time trusting her. If she moves out I worry that fear will only increase. She would also not be able to see me and I worry that will make it even more likely she is gone.
My plan right now is that our fourth session is tomorrow (THANK GOD our MC encouraged us to come in tomorrow instead of waiting longer.) and I will bring up that I just cannot get past the fact that OM is still in the picture. Maybe the MC can then say we should either just call it quits or encourage W to really think about that.
