Boston Dad in need of Help

[Accuray]

Teppo it actually did lead W to come back and we had another three years -- I'm good with the outcome. Had she left originally in 2011 it would have been much worse for me.

Your situation will not improve while W is in an EA. She wants you to be the bad guy and convince herself that you pushed her to this. She wants to justify her choices and will look for evidence to support her and ignore or minimize anything that contradicts what she wants.

Affairs are waiting games, your goal is to stabilize things and not make them worse.

Your time with your son is not fleeting--you're entitled to 50% custody

Another tip is not to talk to her family and friends about the situation--she will really resent you for that and she needs her support network.

Be strong and take care of yourself!

[AnotherStander]

Since I last posted, my situation has not improved. I continue to follow a detachment course, but it's not having the desired effect on my wife.

It takes TIME. Like most LBSers, you're expecting too much too soon. You have to be ready for a long haul- many more months or even years. Read this that you posted again:

"I'm guilty of being moody, irritable, complacent, taking my wife for granted, and not being friendly to her mom."

Your W endured years of that (I'm not saying she was perfect and you were awful, this is all about her perception of things). Do you think it's reasonable to expect her to think you're "cured" and that things will be perfect if she gets back together with you after a few weeks or months? You have to do 180's on your faults and do them until they are permanent behavior. At first W will resent you for changing because she thinks it's "too little too late". She will also resent you because she'll see it all as tricks to try and get her back. It takes a long, long time of consistent changed behavior before the WAS starts believing that you really may have changed for good, and longer yet for her to start to want the new, improved you.

[Teppo]

It's been a few weeks since I posted. Here's an update.

I learned that my W has filed for divorce, so I'm expecting to be served papers any day now. I found this out by looking at her phone. I know, I shouldn't have looked, but now I won't be surprised when I receive them. She's filing for divorce even though we're still talking with our Deacon who specifically told her not to do anything rash.

When I found out that she was going to file I told her last Saturday night that "I'm sleeping in the master bedroom. I told her "Since you're the one that wants a divorce you should sleep in the guest room and that you don't deserve to sleep here anymore. I know I haven't been the perfect husband and if I hurt you along the way, I'm sorry. However you cheated on me". She sheepishly denied the affair (I should've specified an EA). I then said "You believe what you want to believe. I also said "you're the one that wants to leave the family, not me"and finally I said I was committed to you".

I've held my tongue for over 2 months and since she filed, I figured I've got nothing to lose by telling her to go to the guest room. Her EA is still ongoing. To be clear, when I told her to sleep in the guest room I said this calmly and without yelling or swearing.

Her mother is against the divorce and I've spoken to her about my feelings and how I suspect an EA. She doesn't seem to understand the significance of an EA and I've decided to stop talking to her about our problems.

Our Deacon is trying to arrange a meeting with her today, but I doubt she'll meet with him. I just can't believe that this woman who I feel in love with and is the mother of our son has come to hate me.





I know I screwed up by talking with her mom, but when she told me how distressed she was and how much she was against the divorce, I felt a need to talk to her. She confided in me her attempt at suicide when she was in her marriage, so I think I can trust her. Regardless, I'm not going to talk to her about the divorce moving forward. I've learned my lesson.

[AnotherStander]

Teppo, very sorry to hear about the D papers being served. Hang in there, we're here for you!

I've held my tongue for over 2 months and since she filed, I figured I've got nothing to lose by telling her to go to the guest room.

I'm curious if you told her you knew she filed for D? Also what was her reaction to being told to sleep in the other room? I'm guessing she probably welcomed the idea.

Her mother is against the divorce and I've spoken to her about my feelings and how I suspect an EA. She doesn't seem to understand the significance of an EA and I've decided to stop talking to her about our problems.

Yeah, it's not a good idea to talk to friends and family because they WILL tell your W and she will feel like you're trying to rally everyone against her. Just confide in us here or a friend that has no connection with your W.

Our Deacon is trying to arrange a meeting with her today, but I doubt she'll meet with him. I just can't believe that this woman who I feel in love with and is the mother of our son has come to hate me.

I doubt she hates you, I'm sure her feelings are the classic "ILYBINILWY". She may be acting cold and callous, but that's just the WAS's way of creating some space and not "sending the wrong signals". They seem so afraid we'll actually think they might change their mind that they go out of their way to show that they are resolute. It's all part of the WAS playbook, try not to take it personally. It'll go away once she no longer feels pressured. By the way, if she quits seeing the Deacon then count yourself lucky. That's just another form of pressure on her.

[Teppo]

Teppo, very sorry to hear about the D papers being served. Hang in there, we're here for you!

[quote=Teppo]
I've held my tongue for over 2 months and since she filed, I figured I've got nothing to lose by telling her to go to the guest room.

I'm curious if you told her you knew she filed for D? Also what was her reaction to being told to sleep in the other room? I'm guessing she probably welcomed the idea.

[quote]

I didn't tell her that I knew she was going to file. Though she didn't dispute my statement. She was annoyed at being told to leave the MBR, and hasn't complained about the move - at least to me. I know she bitched to her mom about it.

When we tell our son that we're getting a divorce I want to make it clear to him that this isn't "Daddy's idea, but that I have to do what Mommy wants". Is this the right approach? I don't want to lie to him and give him the impression that I want a divorce.

[LH19]

Teppo,

You do not say that to a seven year old.

When he is old enough and asks on his own you politely say to him " I think you should ask your mother that question".

[doodler]

When we tell our son that we're getting a divorce I want to make it clear to him that this isn't "Daddy's idea, but that I have to do what Mommy wants". Is this the right approach? I don't want to lie to him and give him the impression that I want a divorce.

Teppo,

My sons were 11 and 13 when we talked to them about the pending divorce. I told them that I didn't want the divorce, but mommy did. I told them why we were getting the divorce (they know the OM) and I told them why I kicked mommy out of the house well before the divorce. They didn't have to figure it out or guess; I laid it all out for them. There was no ambiguity.

I'm glad I did that and I'd do it again. Would I do it if they were 7 years old? Probably. I expect my sons to be truthful with me and they deserve the same from me.

[AnotherStander]

When we tell our son that we're getting a divorce I want to make it clear to him that this isn't "Daddy's idea, but that I have to do what Mommy wants". Is this the right approach?

I assume you plan on having that convo with W there too? You should both be present. My personal opinion is that you should not place blame in that initial convo. The focus of it should be on the kids. They need reassurances. My W and I simply told them that no matter what happens, we both love them very much, would continue supporting them and would continue going to events for them. Surprisingly the only questions they had were regarding whether they would get their own rooms at W's house, and could they pick out their own furniture and such. A lot of people expect a lot of wailing and kids confronting the WAS, and the WAS collapsing into a puddle of remorse. That's not how it usually goes down though. The kids did ask more questions later about why, and I tried to be as honest as I could without making it sound like W was the enemy. IE, I told them that W felt it was time for a change and even though I wanted to stay together I thought we should support her decision, and that I thought she was an awesome mom regardless and that we would try to make the change as easy for them as possible. When the two D's got older we did have some more "adult" conversations about it, but again I just stressed that I didn't know why W left, that it was confusing but I wanted her to be happy whatever that meant to her.

By the way in the following years W and I continued going to all of their events and shows and we always sat together (and still do). We plan their birthdays together and have one party for them and we're both there. I'm not saying it works for everyone, but we have consistently presented a unified front in support of the kids and I think that made all the difference for minimizing the emotional impact of S and D on them.

[25yearsmlc]

do NOT say you "do not want it BUT she does".

I'd strongly urge you talk to a child psychologist about how to present it

and worry about all your facts later. Know that your w has justified her choices with reasons that are not flattering to you.

So if you want to start the PR war about who did what and why and blaming her b/c in the end, she's the one who wants out, I'm not sure you will get far.

But remember, the truth will be revealed in time.

[Tobias]

Yes don't make the kids resent her as a mom or have them feel they have to choose.

There are times where I want to scream to everyone that my W cheated but I cannot.... (and we don't have kids).