On Higher Ground

[HaWho]

Bttrfly - sorry I forgot to answer. I do plan on taking time away. I am going to take a personal day and just head out of here and not return until late. I may stay away for the night.

Brubeck - my depression was complicated in that it's hard for me still to see what exactly happened. Time is fuzzy and I have a tough time putting the chronologies together. I now know my h went into MLC before my depression.

Anyway, the cons are I lost that time. I don't remember those years well. We went away one summer and the kids talk about this part and that part and I don't remember anything but one morning of it. Those years are a big blank. And I withdrew from my kids. My h was irritable all the time and everything I did was wrong. He was critical of me 24/7. I don't think this was all due to my depression. He was heading toward BD on the bullet train.

As for the pros, well, there are many. I learned a lot about worrying; that it gets you absolutely no where. I learned to compartmentalize better. It was the beginning of me training myself to give x thought 15 minutes and then get out of my head space. This would only be reinforced 1 year post BD.

The biggest pro is that I recognize a lot of the behaviors I see in my h. It's jogged my memory and helped me realize his depression, though it affects my life greatly, is not personal.

I withdrew and wanted to be by myself. I didn't make eye contact. I left rooms when he walked in. He would call and I just wanted to get off the phone. I was always tired and had difficulty completing simple tasks. I was achy and always felt sick and yet I know I wasn't. I was not afraid of aging and did not have replay. It was not MLC. I was grieving over my nephew being diagnosed with a severe, rare genetic disorder.

Anyway, I don't remember all that I did. So when the MLCer says he/she doesn't remember doing x and y, believe it.

As for me, I am coming to terms with the fact that I don't need to suffer as much as I am suffering through this. For me, I just need to really give this over to God. I need to let go of this. It's so above my pay grade.

Lately, there is very little interaction between us. He avoids me. An example? I came home from work and they were watching a game. I politely asked s13 to clean up his dishes from the AM and h left the room. I am sure he thinks I am a nag.

This week he posted a sign detailing his new life diet. It has 10 foods total on it. It is the exact same list he posted prior to BD. It's impossible to live life just eating those 10 restrictive things. Guess he hasn't learned that yet.