WW with affair moved out 4+ weeks ago

[15Stang]

KGuy,
Thanks for your reply. I am beginning to see some of the control issues I have had. I really can see them after the affair came to light. I WAS trying to control things as I didn't want to get hurt again. I know the control came from a sense of fear. Fear of losing her, fear of the unknown, fear of divorce, fear of failing. I wish I had handled things differently. I still might have been divorced but we will never know. I do know my control issues weren't meant to actually be controlling. I understand that they were. It wasn't my intention.
You had stated that you felt I was controlling and how I was treated her like a child. I think I can see this now. My goal was to see that she had become a safe place for me. A person that I could again be vulnerable with. Her taking the time to invest into herself is a way that would have validated me and the decision I made to stay and work through this with her. I wasn't meaning to treat her like a child. I was spending a lot of time reading things and learning about myself and how I could be a better husband for her. I wanted her to do the same for me. But the reason I wanted her to do the same is because I was fearful that if she wasn't doing those things then I knew she wasn't a safe place. If she wasn't a safe place then I knew we would eventually end in divorce. It's almost like I was subconsciously not willing to see the writing on the wall of how my wife was truly acting at the time. I wanted to see the best in her and I wanted to see her putting forth the effort but the fact of the matter is she wasn't. It was discouraging to watch her put forth minimal effort. I thought I deserved better since I decided to stay. And my constant pressure to have her work and being consistent and doing things to get better just comes across as control.

So here's a question I have. How should I have acted or what should I have done? I know we can't change the past and I'm not looking to do that. I feel like I had zero power in the relationship after the affair came out. I very much wanted to stay married and be with my wife. I wanted a wife that fully chose me and was truly remorseful for what she did. When I had a hard time seeing this remorse I begin to try and control her and the situation. Thinking that if she was consistent on working on herself that someday she would be remorseful. It's tough because I feel like I didn't have a choice. I didn't believe in divorce as it goes against what I stand for. I also want to treat her like I want to be treated. If I screwed up this bad I would've wanted a second chance to try and prove that I wasn't going to be this type of person. So to sum up when the affair came to light I was left with two choices. One choice that I didn't believe in and the other choice I was hopeful that I would have a remorseful wife and we can get through it. When the remorse didn't come, fear came. I was scared of what I truly was seeing even though I didn't want to acknowledge it. My fear then caused my control. Not trying to blame fear. It was still my choice to do the things I did. Just trying to process why I was doing what I was doing.

As for the financial stuff I still don't really understand it. My wife was not a stay at home mom. She worked part time. We actually really didn't argue about money much since 2010 when we put together a budget that we both agreed upon. We had a family account and she had her own separate account that she could spend on whatever she wanted. I was just frustrated as we didn't seem to argue about money anymore as we had before we put together a budget that we both agreed upon. But once she left then it was a bunch of complaints about how I was controlling with money. I really don't know what to say about this because the budget we put together we both had equal say. In fact I specifically asked her how much money did she want in her checking account to spend on whatever she wants a month. The number that she offered was higher than what I wanted. But I decided that I would give her what she wanted as it wasn't a whole lot different than what I had offered. Anyways I know I'm not gonna have answers to all these questions. I want to try and look back at my past so that I can learn from it and grow and be a better person. I have to remember that there were two of us. Some of the issues we had might be more 90% her fault. Other issues we've had might be 90% my fault. I want to work on the 90% that were my fault. Those of the ones that I can work on and change for the better. Thank you for your help. Your responses made me think. Plus it helps me view them from a different point of view.